I want a baby but he doesn’t. Yet.

Socajam

Retireby40 said:

Is there any suggestion that OPs partner never wants to be a parent? I dont know where that was plucked from but how many 24 year olds want to be a parent now compared to wanting to be a parent ever.

I'm 31. At 24 I would never have considered having kids as I hadnt long finished Uni, had just spent a year on a working holiday to Oz and was getting my first proper job. Had anyone proposed kids to me then (especially someone at 23) I would have replied are you mad. 

7 years on despite my concerns about being a brilliant parent me and my partner are open to having kids now and while not actively trying we arent actively trying to prevent it. More a role with it and what happens happens without pressure. We are both in a good place financially, we have our own house and I have a rental property (via inheritance). In 7 years my life has turned 360 degrees in a different direction. And I'm sure yours will too.

23-27 are your best years. You have the money to do what you want but have more or less 0 responsibilities. You can be spontaneous. You can go to that concert at the last minute. Dont spoil them by rushing into having a kid now. I would get married. Let the next year or two to enjoy each other. There literally is no rush at 23. And you risk pressuring you partner (who seems to be someone you connect with having been with each other a long time). 

Is what you want a little unreasonable. It's not unreasonable but for most 23/24 year olds it isnt the norm and isnt ideal. Men also mature later than women. So while your boyfriend may be 24 in age its probably closer to 21. We are an immature bunch.

Give it a few more years. Youl still only be 25/26 and then the real serious questions can be asked. Even then if for some reason you then husband spills the beans he doesnt want kids (which I dont think he will) you still have plenty of time on your side.

Well written and everything you wrote is 100% true.
Some times we need to hear from others to put things into perspective

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

Is there any suggestion that OPs partner never wants to be a parent? I dont know where that was plucked from but how many 24 year olds want to be a parent now compared to wanting to be a parent ever.

I was one of the posters who mentioned that as a possibility.

Pollycat said:

Like the poster above, I think there is a possibility that your partner may decide that having children is not something that he wants - ever.

I would be having a very frank discussion with him and expecting total honesty.

It was 'plucked from' the experience of a good friend of mine who - just like the OP - was desperate for a child (the OP actually says in her original post "He knows that this is the only thing I really want in life right now").

My friend's husband said he wanted children 'in the future'.

After a frank discussion, it turned out that he'd never been really sure that he wanted children - despite his many assurances that he did - and he decided 10 years into the relationship, after being pushed hard to be truthful, that he didn't want children. Ever.

My friend was devastated.

The relationship ended.

The OP asked for advice.

I thought it might be helpful for her to know that some men - despite their assurances to the contrary - don't want to be a Dad.

sweetsand

Retireby40 said:

Is there any suggestion that OPs partner never wants to be a parent? I dont know where that was plucked from but how many 24 year olds want to be a parent now compared to wanting to be a parent ever.

I'm 31. At 24 I would never have considered having kids as I hadnt long finished Uni, had just spent a year on a working holiday to Oz and was getting my first proper job. Had anyone proposed kids to me then (especially someone at 23) I would have replied are you mad. 

7 years on despite my concerns about being a brilliant parent me and my partner are open to having kids now and while not actively trying we arent actively trying to prevent it. More a role with it and what happens happens without pressure. We are both in a good place financially, we have our own house and I have a rental property (via inheritance). In 7 years my life has turned 360 degrees in a different direction. And I'm sure yours will too.

23-27 are your best years. You have the money to do what you want but have more or less 0 responsibilities. You can be spontaneous. You can go to that concert at the last minute. Dont spoil them by rushing into having a kid now. I would get married. Let the next year or two to enjoy each other. There literally is no rush at 23. And you risk pressuring you partner (who seems to be someone you connect with having been with each other a long time). 

Is what you want a little unreasonable. It's not unreasonable but for most 23/24 year olds it isnt the norm and isnt ideal. Men also mature later than women. So while your boyfriend may be 24 in age its probably closer to 21. We are an immature bunch.

Give it a few more years. Youl still only be 25/26 and then the real serious questions can be asked. Even then if for some reason you then husband spills the beans he doesnt want kids (which I dont think he will) you still have plenty of time on your side.

Many thanks to Reitreby40 for an excellent post.
Dear OP, many thanks for the update today.
I thnak you for the update as many don't bother. 
I wish you luck but the majority are sincere here but as always, one or two
will try to beat down, insutl an OP no matter what the subject is, it is their loss.
At times writing as you have done here makes it easier to understand ones situation.
Replies, I have asked questions and the majority on my threads are there to have a laugh
at the OP but not here.
Take it what you feel are the best bits from this thread and I am sure that whatever the
outcome, it will be the right one at the right time.
Please ignore those that you feel are offending you just as I do.
Take care, good luck and I judging from your posts, you are a very nice
and caring lady.
x

burlingtonfl6

OP, you are actually doing the right thing by wanting to have a child in your 20's.
Far too many women now put it off until their 30s and by that point they realise the men they want children with don't want them or they struggle to have them.
There are countless women out there in their mid 30's who have spent the best part of 15 years thinking they have plenty of time and can ''have it all'' who suddenly realise they have a couple of years to meet someone, move in, get married, buy a house and have children.....

WickedWitch123

ams2012 said:

Thanks for all the comments. I am absolutely overwhelmed and extremely grateful with the help and advice that many of you have given!
But some comments have actually offended me, people are insinuating that I am going to “accidentally” get pregnant and force his hand into fatherhood that way. I am a decent human being and have morals.

We both work full-time, within steady jobs, we bring in over £35K after tax a year (at our current ages which I think is awesome this early on) and have our home - we do not live with our parents and haven’t lived with them since just after my 21st birthday. We are engaged for marriage (which has gone slightly tits up with COVID-19) but nonetheless, it’s still happening. We have savings and have travelled. New York, Toronto, Niagara, Ukraine, Africa...we’ve done road trips from the UK, through France, Spain and Portugal. We are booked to go to Dubai (had to be postponed because of COVID-19).

Sorry, I just feel like I needed to explain myself. Thanks again for all the advice.

Wow you have really lived a life haven't you and you're still only really young!  We were similar to you, we met when i was 15 he was 17 and by the time we got to 25 we'd done everything you have.  It was only when I got to 26 that my broodiness really kicked in.  We were slightly different in that we got married at 18 and neither of us wanted children, little did i know that you completely change between being a child (yes a child at 18) and an adult at 26.  

In all the wonderfulness of your life so far, your travels, your jobs etc have you actually sat down and discussed where you're going together?  Have you discussed the future, what your aspirations are as a couple and as individuals?  I only ask because we never did - we just did what you're doing and it was such a massive shock when we finally had to face the fact that we had completely different aspirations and our plans just didn't align.  It might be time for that conversation - you will have both changed so much since your teens.  You can disregard this of course but i'm just giving you our experience. 
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
WW

MoneySeeker1

I certainly see what posters are saying when they comment that his "Later....." may (or may not) really mean "Later" or it may mean "I'll avoid that question - as I don't want to answer it". In a lot of spheres of life (not just this one) people that don't really want to answer a question put the questioner off by saying "Later...." and then there's others that mean exactly what they say and genuinely do intend to think about it "later".

Re pregnancy "accidents" that's certainly not a comment meant at all personally - it's the fact that a lot of us know or have heard about women that did that and so we know a noticeable number of women do do that and "fall pregnant". There are women, on the other hand, that are absolutely conscientious about not having any "accidents". From this end of a screen it's not possible to tell whether someone would or wouldn't do that.

I'm coming round more and more myself to the view that there are Major Decisions in life and that (where those decisions involve someone else then it should be fully discussed with them to hear - and then respect - their views on it). If you have to "pay" (whether in time or money or commitment) then you get a "say" - in any sphere of life. Well - that's how it ought to be...

Mojisola

ams2012 said:

Here’s the thing, I am in a family of women whom have struggled to have children, and also the women in generations before me have experienced early menopause.

This seems to the bit overlooked by the people advising to delay having children.

If it's a case of soon or maybe never, ams2012 and partner need to have a serious talk - if he's adamant that he doesn't want to become a father within the next few years, she can then decide whether she wants to risk never having children.

strawb_shortcake

I know its difficult but try not to worry too much about your fertility, as it can be really counterproductive when you do try for a baby. 
My Sister and Mum both fell pregnant easily, I and my niece struggled and knew it would be a struggle, and I am concerned my Daughter may have similar issues. 
I met my Husband when I was 17 he was 21, when we knew we were serious about each other we decided to allow nature to take its course when I was 18 (I'd be horrified if my Daughter did the same) I miscarried after 6 months and it took another 2.5 years to have my eldest. 
I know looking back it was being told I'd struggle to get pregnant that made me want a baby more, and I gave little thought to what else I wanted to do. I do have the luxury of hindsight to know it all worked out for the best, and knowing what a difficult time my Husband was going through at the time a baby was the best thing that could have happened for him.
Other than an odd weekend we've never holidayed just the two of us, we have another 7/8 years maybe before we can, but we are still relatively young to enjoy travelling and will have the money to do so. 
I think you need to be brutally honest with your partner and how you feel as well as your concerns, I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to give some serious consideration to his timescales, successful business and more travelling isn't very tangible to put a time frame to. 
I know a couple that have gone through IVF almost to breaking point before realising that their marriage was more important, only to go on and conceive naturally when the worry had gone.
One friend was adamant she didn't want children but her husband did, she decided to have a baby as she didn't want to be without him, they now have 2 children and are very happy - she even wanted to keep going after baby number 2. 

Good luck with everything 

MalMonroe

My ex and I decided we didn't want children. We got married after five years together and went travelling the world and had a whale of a time, living overseas and visiting South Africa, Canada, the USA, Singapore, Europe, ending up in Australia, where - when we were both 28 - we suddenly decided that if we didn't have children we'd never be able to. So our daughter was born in Oz. Our world turned upside down! And we returned to the UK, so she could be raised amongst our families and friends.

However, 9 years down the line he left us for another woman. Although he and our daughter are really close, probably closer than they would be if he'd never left and she is now an adult, he so obviously did not want any children. He hasn't had any more. He'd never admit it to anyone but I know that once our daughter came along, it changed our relationship so much that he couldn't bear it and had to go when he met a woman who was very like-minded. Our daughter was number one in my affections and that's how it remains to this day. I know that his current wife (number 4) is the person he considers to be his 'next of kin' but my next of kin will always be my daughter, no matter how many partners or husbands I may have (none to date though). 

So you have to be careful what you wish for. Having a baby will definitely turn your lives upside down, which is absolutely fine if that's what you are both prepared for and both want. But your partner has been open and honest, unlike my ex, from the outset and said he doesn't want a child yet. Whether or not he'll change later on, who knows? 

It really depends on what you want more - your partner or a baby. The choice is yours but your partner won't be pushed into having a baby he doesn't want. And that's his choice.

helensbiggestfan

This is a dilemma that many people face.  

The simple truth is that no one has a crystal ball. You might have problems conceiving, you might not.  Your partner might come round to the idea of having children at a later date, he might not.  

I would echo the "seek medical opinion" advice that has been suggested.  Your family history may affect your fertility but then again it might be irrelevant. I recommend you try and find out.  Pay to see a specialist if necessary.  Freezing your eggs might be an option but you won't know until you take proper medical advice.