I want a baby but he doesn’t. Yet.

OldMusicGuy

I've been in this situation as a male. I married young (early 20s), got a house and was earning but was uncertain what I wanted to do career wise. My wife said she did not want to wait more than 2 to 3 years before we had our first child. I felt very pressurised and knew that once we had a family, my choices would be very limited due to the financial commitment. It was the main reason our marriage broke down and we divorced. I felt she was not supporting me, while she felt I was denying her what she wanted.

Later in life, when I was settled in my career and earning well, I had a family with my second wife. Never thought I would but it turned out to be the best decision ever. But it was a mutual decision without pressure and I was more ready for it, both emotionally and financially.

If he genuinely wants to start a business, do you know what's involved in that? It could mean long hours and not much money in the early years. Having a young family will just add to those pressures. 

Reading your post it sounds like your main life goal  is to have a family (nothing wrong with that btw, it's a great thing to do) and you may be using "medical reasons" to twist his arm into doing it now rather than waiting. Similarly, he might be using the reason of "starting a business" to put you off without having to end the relationship, because he knows it might be a make or break issue for you.

You both need to sit down and have a serious and open talk. Is your desire to have a family now stronger than your desire to support him build a business (and possibly a secure future for your family)? Or is he a dreamer that uses vague plans about starting a business to avoid the real responsibility of settling down with a family?

You have to decide if you share the same life goals, both now and in the future. Let's face it you got together very young and neither of you would have had much idea what you wanted from life when you started going out. 

Socajam

Another thought, if you have a child, will you work or be a stay at home mother - if the latter, that means all the financial burden will be on him.
I agree with those that suggest that you do not get pregnant for the sake of it.  If he is not willing, move on and find someone else whose frame of mind is the same as yours.  Do not saddle your partner with 18 years of child support - that is what having a child with him will do in your current situation.

Sea_Shell

Sorry to be personal, but who controls the contraception currently.

If your partner does not want to father a child yet, he needs to make sure he doesn't, even by accident.

rach_k

Have you discussed your concerns with your GP? If not, I'd do that. I don't think you can reasonably cite medical reasons to have children earlier than he'd like if you haven't taken medical advice about it. Remember that knowledge and treatments (as well as simple things like nutrition!) change quickly, so even what your mum experienced is probably quite different to options now.

I was 24 when I had my first and it was the right age for me. However, there are things that we're waiting until the kids go to university to do, like travel, spur of the moment stuff, late nights out! We'll have more money to do them than we would have when we were younger, but also we'll be older and wrinklier so it's both good and bad.

Spendless

The thing is with 'starting a successful business'. It could take years after starting to know whether or not it's successful or not.
I agree with seeking medical advice re any potential fertility issues you may have based on family history.
Once that has been done, then maybe that's when it's time to open up a discussion or set a time limit on how long you wish to wait.  

Fireflyaway

I was in a similar situation. Met my husband aged 24 and after a couple of years, really wanted a baby. I too was told I might need help conceiving so didn't want to leave it too long. My husband was like your partner and wanted to wait a while. We compromised and waited another year before trying and were pregnant after trying for 6 months. 
Having a baby is amazing but it really does limit certain things. I am glad I travelled quite a bit before settling down and we both had jobs and a house. Your partner may feel frustrated if he has to put things on hold. However having a baby a couple of weeks after turning 27 was definitely well timed in that now I'm only 41 with a 14 year old. Hopefully we have many years to be able to do couple things such as travel again, pay for university, buy and enjoy a holiday home whilst fairly young. Many of my child's friends parents are in their 50's and 60's now. My uncle is 70 and still contending with a teenager and uni fees. He wants to retire but can't yet. 
I'd say compromise all the way. The best thing is you do both want kids but 23 is still young. Don't risk interrupting your partners dreams or he may become resentful of at least not be as excited and joyful as you would hope. Agree to wait a bit for him but not too long for you. 

GingerSaurus

Fireflyaway said:

I was in a similar situation. Met my husband aged 24 and after a couple of years, really wanted a baby. I too was told I might need help conceiving so didn't want to leave it too long. My husband was like your partner and wanted to wait a while. We compromised and waited another year before trying and were pregnant after trying for 6 months. 
Having a baby is amazing but it really does limit certain things. I am glad I travelled quite a bit before settling down and we both had jobs and a house. Your partner may feel frustrated if he has to put things on hold. However having a baby a couple of weeks after turning 27 was definitely well timed in that now I'm only 41 with a 14 year old. Hopefully we have many years to be able to do couple things such as travel again, pay for university, buy and enjoy a holiday home whilst fairly young. Many of my child's friends parents are in their 50's and 60's now. My uncle is 70 and still contending with a teenager and uni fees. He wants to retire but can't yet. 
I'd say compromise all the way. The best thing is you do both want kids but 23 is still young. Don't risk interrupting your partners dreams or he may become resentful of at least not be as excited and joyful as you would hope. Agree to wait a bit for him but not too long for you. 

I agree with this. I was in a similar situation, though we had no reason to believe we’d have trouble conceiving.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 21, he’s 5 years older than me. I always knew I’d want kids fairly young, he always wanted them ‘eventually’.

I desperately wanted a baby from around 27, he still wasn’t ready. We compromised by cramming as much as we could into the next 5 years, we travelled as much as possible and saw some amazing places. Eventually he did agree to try for a baby, it took 10 months to conceive and she was born last year when I was 33.

It’s such a difficult situation. In the end I waited much longer than I would’ve liked to have a baby, he had one before he really felt ready. He absolutely adores our daughter but we’re now in the same position again as I want another and he’s happy with just the one!

Retireby40

Your in your early 20s. You have so much to live and learn first before having kids. If you were 33 I would understand. 

Not many 23 year olds have children and it's for a reason. Get married, get a house and fixed careers and then bring a child into the world when you have good foundations.

Your partner wants to travel i would encourage that. It opens up your mind and shows you a different perspective on life. Especially if it is for a while 3/6/9/12 months.

Emmia

What if your partner is at, or moving to a position where he doesn't want children ever, but doesn't know how to tell you? Splitting up now will be hard and scary for you both, but perhaps you're reaching the fork in the road where you go your separate ways?

I've gone from "not sure" (with v broody OH) to married to a guy who doesn't and has never wanted them - a blessing when it comes to early menopause before 40.

With the broody OH it wasn't happening as he saw marriage as "more of a commitment than children"  and I fundamentally disagree(d) with this - for me a child was and is always the ultimate commitment.

Whatever you do, I'd advise not tricking him into getting you pregnant - as my ex tried to do with me (thankfully without sucess) I worked it out, and ended it there and then. 

Pollycat

Like the poster above, I think there is a possibility that your partner may decide that having children is not something that he wants - ever.

I would be having a very frank discussion with him and expecting total honesty.