I want a baby but he doesn’t. Yet.

ams2012

New to this forum, so please be nice. Basically, my partner and I have been together for 8.5 years. I am 23 and he’s 24 so we’ve been together since we were teens. And we are still young!
Every single aspect of our relationship is great, apart from one thing...wanting children. 

Don’t get me wrong, he does want them, eventually “but not yet”. He wants to do things for himself first, before he even wants to start trying.

He wants to travel a little and start a successful business.
Here’s the thing, I am in a family of women whom have struggled to have children, and also the women in generations before me have experienced early menopause.
I told him that planes will never stop flying and business startups will never end. But my chances of having children are.
He is aware of my family history and is still somewhat reluctant to even start trying. He knows that this is the only thing I really want in life right now and he said he really wants to give it to me, just not right now.
I just want to know - am I being stupid and silly for feeling the way I feel? Has anyone else been through the same thing? Does anyone feel that my partner is being slightly unreasonable?

KxMx

I don't think you are silly and stupid at all, especially given your history, sometimes men just don't fully grasp the concept of a woman having a fixed fertility window even when they say they do.

My mum went through menopause at 39 and it's looking like mine has started quite a bit earlier, I am 33 now and I've actually been getting signs for a few years. I waited ages before getting medical advice last year and I was taken seriously, I wasn't laughed out of the room lol. 

Equally if your partner isn't ready then he isn't ready. 

Would he be more open to trying now with the expectation that it will take some time to concieve? Obviously if you got pregnant quickly that would be a bonus for you but not him.

I'm sorry I don't have real advice but I am sympathetic. 

ams2012

KxMx said:

I don't think you are silly and stupid at all, especially given your history, sometimes men just don't fully grasp the concept of a woman having a fixed fertility window even when they say they do.

My mum went through menopause at 39 and it's looking like mine has started quite a bit earlier, I am 33 now and I've actually been getting signs for a few years. I waited ages before getting medical advice last year and I was taken seriously, I wasn't laughed out of the room lol. 

Equally if your partner isn't ready then he isn't ready. 

Would he be more open to trying now with the expectation that it will take some time to concieve? Obviously if you got pregnant quickly that would be a bonus for you but not him.

I'm sorry I don't have real advice but I am sympathetic. 

Thank you for your kind words. I have told him that it’s not something that instantly happens. It can take years to conceive. But I don’t think it’s really registering with him. I just don’t want it to be too late.  

theoretica

Is your partner actually travelling (perfectly possible with a baby or child) and has he started his business or just talking wishfully? 

onwards&upwards

You say partner, have you discussed marriage?  Are you both certain that this relationship is one you want to be permanent, you are very young and you have been together since you were children, it would be unusual not to have doubts. 

Nobody should ever bring a child into the world that they don’t want 100%.  

AskAsk

ummmm... difficult one.  i can see both side's point of views.  he is young and doesn't want to start a family.  most people now start a family in their late 20s or early 30s, so he is of that thinking. 

apart from wanting to have a baby, are you guys able to afford a baby?  maybe that is why he doesn't want to start a family as it would mean money would be tight.

ToxicWomble

Babies are lifetime commitments but also like every other want/need in a relationship.
Has he ever suggested something “significant” that you have said no to ?
Multiply this by 100 to even get close to how he is probably feeling about the thought of being a father
DONT be tempted to “just not tell him and get pregnant anyway”

sweetsand

Dear OP
No matter what you say, what you want, what you do, your OH will have to agree and at times when one side wants a baby and the other does not, there may be something else to it but not always.
If you force the OH's hand via keeping on at them, they may resent what the percieved to have missed out on

With me, we are young, had our first at 21 both of us, 23 the the next... We had a property, we had jobs, we had savings, we had family close by supportive - we are both glad we did early as people still often think we are siblings ie kids and us
Every case is different and if you are continuously not happy with the OH, may need to make harder decisions ie move on, etc.
I wish I could help more but FYI, I don't post to be liked but post openly and honestly from our own experiences and that we have seen, heard about.

Almost forgot, after the first two, my OH said they wanted another, we were a bit older then, I said no - we could afford another child at the time as we were moving into a larger property but I felt no and I think it was easier for my OH to accept as we already had kids.

I feel for you and hope your OH sees the light like you and both of you are blessed with a tiny one or few
xx

ps - you have sibling, parents you can discuss in confidence - if so may be an idea as they help to put your mind at rest

AskAsk

ToxicWomble said:

Babies are lifetime commitments but also like every other want/need in a relationship.
Has he ever suggested something “significant” that you have said no to ?
Multiply this by 100 to even get close to how he is probably feeling about the thought of being a father
DONT be tempted to “just not tell him and get pregnant anyway”

my cousin did this and claimed it was an accident.  i feel sorry for her partner.  she says however, after having the baby, her partner changed his mind and wanted another one, lol 
they have split up now so she is a single mum.  however, her partner is having to pay child maintenance for 3 kids as their second baby turned out to be twins.

MoneySeeker1

Time for you to think long and hard about whether he is the right man for you.

He is entitled to say "Not yet" or "Never" about being a parent and know that he absolutely will not become one unless and until HE decides to be.

So please do not stage an "accident" on him.

swingaloo

Please don't take this as being negative about your relationship as it is not meant to be, its just a general thought.
You have been together since you were 15/16, I was with my first husband from being 14 and him being 15 and looking back we both agreed that we had just grown accustomed to being together and for want of a better word 'settled' for each other as by the time we were early 20s neither of us had any experience of dating others or being  young and single (My ex decided to do that 10 years into the marriage, lol). Obviously no one but you knows what your relationship is like but is it really the relationship you both want for life? Could your boyfriend be having a touch of nerves about this being 'it'.  Have you talked together about marriage or is this something that he wants to do later, after the travelling etc? Is he reluctant to take your relationship a step further in other ways, do you live together, have joint accounts, is he willing to commit in other ways.
If so and its just the baby thing then you need to approach it from a point of finding out how he really feels without pressuring him in any way. I understand where you are coming from and a biological clock is not something a lot of men understand. But he is equally entitled to not be ready. Its getting down to the reasons why he is not ready that matter and the reasons he has given are very vague.
He wants to start a business, so assuming he starts one fairly soon, will he then be saying 'Well its not making enough money yet, we need to wait' followed by 'We need to wait till I can get more staff then I don't need to put as many hours in'. Saying he wants to start a business is so vague, has he any plans for this business, has he discussed what business he wants to run or is it a vague 'pie in the sky' way of stalling the baby topic.
Likewise the travelling, you can travel as a family. Have you both ever made any plans for this travelling? discussed where you will go? or again is this a vague idea of what he would like to do sometime in the future.
At the moment if you were to start trying for a baby you would both likely be mid twenties when the baby is born. After 8.5 years you should be able to be direct and honest with each other. You need to have a calm but realistic talk about both your expectations. If you are adamant that you want children and he is hesitant then you need a clear idea of if and when he will be ready as you do not want to be in your thirty's, resentful and looking to start again with someone else.