I want a baby but he doesn’t. Yet.

sweetsand

Expecting and getting total honesty are two entirely different things.
OP - many good posts here from yesterday, last night and imo,
in summary, do not force their hand and no surprise pregancy
as all of this will backfire.
I hope you have read these and as I said some really good posts, expereinces posted but
every situation is different as we are all different people and what works for several couples may not work
for you. Watch your OH, watch what they do, their history of wanting to do and getting
things done, keeping promises, etc and decisions will have to be made. Therefore, build up
to a redline question as we are all getting older.

Take care
x

swingaloo

The OP is 23, hardly middle aged!

TBagpuss

OP, you are not stupid or silly, neither is your partner.
But right now, the two of you are not in the pace in wanting children, and you might not ever be.

I thin that you probably need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him, (maybe even consider doing this with the help of a mediator or therapist as these are difficult and emotive issues to be discussing.)
Things to consider 

• How certain is he about wanting children later, and does he have any specific time scale in mind, (i.e. is he more thinking "I would like us to start trying for a baby in another 2-3 years" or  "I definitely don't want a baby now, and I can't even start to think seriously about it until I have done x, y & z" 

• How strongly do you feel about it? If he was saying he wanted to look at you trying to get pregnant within the next 3, or 5, or 7 years, would you be OK with that or not? If the position is that he definitely doesn't want children now and is not able to say when or if he will be ready, is that a deal breaker for you.?

I don't think that it would be in any way appropriate or  productive for you to give him an ultimatum,  the last thing that would be healthy for either of you, your relationship, (or for any child) would be for him to feel he had been coerced into becoming a parent, or for your to feel that you had been denied the opportunity of being a parent,  but I think you both need  to consider whether this is something that you are prepared to end the relationship over if your wishes and needs are fundamentally at odds with each other.

I also agree with the advice that, if you haven't done so already, you should speak to your GP and if necessary ask to be referred on to a specialist to look at the risk factors and family history - they may be able to discuss whether it would be sensible to consider freezing your eggs, for instance, which might give you more time (I *think*, but you would need to speak to you GP, that if you did go through an early menopause that would mean you were not producing any more eggs but would not prevent you using your own eggs to became pregnant, although of course it would be likely to involve HRT and much more medical intervention than a conventional 'natural' pregnancy. 
That might be another part of the conversation with your partner - how committed is he to the two of you aching on the cost and additional work of going through IVF, if it became necessary? Or would his attitude be more of a 'if it happens naturally when we're ready, great, if not, we can live with that'

And from your perspective - if he doesn't want kids now and maybe won't want them if it doesn't happen naturally, do you still want to continue the relationship or would you rather move on, look for anther partner or even make plans to go it alone? 

It's OK to want different things from each other, and it is OK if you decide that, if it comes down to a choice between the two, that becoming a mother is more important to you that remaining in this relationship, but the two of you are going to need to  think about where you both stand, and to be honest with yourselves about the implications of those decisions. 

onwards&upwards

Emmia said:

With the broody OH it wasn't happening as he saw marriage as "more of a commitment than children"  and I fundamentally disagree(d) with this - for me a child was and is always the ultimate commitment.

Your OH was right.  Having a child with someone doesn’t commit you to them at all, legally.  You can still walk away without a backward glance if you aren’t married.  

AskAsk

onwards&upwards said:

Emmia said:

With the broody OH it wasn't happening as he saw marriage as "more of a commitment than children"  and I fundamentally disagree(d) with this - for me a child was and is always the ultimate commitment.

Your OH was right.  Having a child with someone doesn’t commit you to them at all, legally.  You can still walk away without a backward glance if you aren’t married.  

yes, you can walk out of the relationship a lot easier.  pack your bags and off you go.
you do have to pay for child maintenance though.
i think couples who co-habit don't tend to last as long as marriages as there are hurdles to getting out of a marriage, BIG hurdles and people would stay because it is too much to get out.

ams2012

Thanks for all the comments. I am absolutely overwhelmed and extremely grateful with the help and advice that many of you have given!
But some comments have actually offended me, people are insinuating that I am going to “accidentally” get pregnant and force his hand into fatherhood that way. I am a decent human being and have morals.

We both work full-time, within steady jobs, we bring in over £35K after tax a year (at our current ages which I think is awesome this early on) and have our home - we do not live with our parents and haven’t lived with them since just after my 21st birthday. We are engaged for marriage (which has gone slightly tits up with COVID-19) but nonetheless, it’s still happening. We have savings and have travelled. New York, Toronto, Niagara, Ukraine, Africa...we’ve done road trips from the UK, through France, Spain and Portugal. We are booked to go to Dubai (had to be postponed because of COVID-19).

Sorry, I just feel like I needed to explain myself. Thanks again for all the advice.

Emmia

onwards&upwards said:

Emmia said:

With the broody OH it wasn't happening as he saw marriage as "more of a commitment than children"  and I fundamentally disagree(d) with this - for me a child was and is always the ultimate commitment.

Your OH was right.  Having a child with someone doesn’t commit you to them at all, legally.  You can still walk away without a backward glance if you aren’t married.  

Which is why I wouldn't have a child without being married to the father... I had no desire to be left high and dry holding the baby when he decided it was too much... 

As it is, I'm happier without children.

Retireby40

Is there any suggestion that OPs partner never wants to be a parent? I dont know where that was plucked from but how many 24 year olds want to be a parent now compared to wanting to be a parent ever.

I'm 31. At 24 I would never have considered having kids as I hadnt long finished Uni, had just spent a year on a working holiday to Oz and was getting my first proper job. Had anyone proposed kids to me then (especially someone at 23) I would have replied are you mad. 

7 years on despite my concerns about being a brilliant parent me and my partner are open to having kids now and while not actively trying we arent actively trying to prevent it. More a role with it and what happens happens without pressure. We are both in a good place financially, we have our own house and I have a rental property (via inheritance). In 7 years my life has turned 360 degrees in a different direction. And I'm sure yours will too.

23-27 are your best years. You have the money to do what you want but have more or less 0 responsibilities. You can be spontaneous. You can go to that concert at the last minute. Dont spoil them by rushing into having a kid now. I would get married. Let the next year or two to enjoy each other. There literally is no rush at 23. And you risk pressuring you partner (who seems to be someone you connect with having been with each other a long time). 

Is what you want a little unreasonable. It's not unreasonable but for most 23/24 year olds it isnt the norm and isnt ideal. Men also mature later than women. So while your boyfriend may be 24 in age its probably closer to 21. We are an immature bunch.

Give it a few more years. Youl still only be 25/26 and then the real serious questions can be asked. Even then if for some reason you then husband spills the beans he doesnt want kids (which I dont think he will) you still have plenty of time on your side.

AskAsk

Emmia said:

onwards&upwards said:

Emmia said:

With the broody OH it wasn't happening as he saw marriage as "more of a commitment than children"  and I fundamentally disagree(d) with this - for me a child was and is always the ultimate commitment.

Your OH was right.  Having a child with someone doesn’t commit you to them at all, legally.  You can still walk away without a backward glance if you aren’t married.  

Which is why I wouldn't have a child without being married to the father... I had no desire to be left high and dry holding the baby when he decided it was too much... 

As it is, I'm happier without children.

i think this is what marriage is all about.  it is not about whether someone loves someone else at all, as you don't need a marriage certificate to express love.  that is just a piece of paper.

however, marriage does have its place where comittment is concerned as once you are married, effectively you have made a decision to commit to that relationship and to that person for the rest of your life.  the marriage certificate is like a promisary note that you are going to hang around whatever happens.

Socajam

ams2012 said:

Thanks for all the comments. I am absolutely overwhelmed and extremely grateful with the help and advice that many of you have given!
But some comments have actually offended me, people are insinuating that I am going to “accidentally” get pregnant and force his hand into fatherhood that way. I am a decent human being and have morals.

We both work full-time, within steady jobs, we bring in over £35K after tax a year (at our current ages which I think is awesome this early on) and have our home - we do not live with our parents and haven’t lived with them since just after my 21st birthday. We are engaged for marriage (which has gone slightly tits up with COVID-19) but nonetheless, it’s still happening. We have savings and have travelled. New York, Toronto, Niagara, Ukraine, Africa...we’ve done road trips from the UK, through France, Spain and Portugal. We are booked to go to Dubai (had to be postponed because of COVID-19).

Sorry, I just feel like I needed to explain myself. Thanks again for all the advice.

Surely you did not expect all positive comments - that's not a true reflection of life.  Life is not like that.
Everyone that commented wrote about their life experience - both positive and negative.  It's now for you as an adult to take something from each and sort out where you want to be and how to approach your partner with the valuable information given.
I read all the contributions and they were very enlightening to see how others were able to deal with their life issues.