Adult 'Babies'

pressurecooker

macman said:

'My mum made me move out, so naturally I had to turn to being a full-time criminal. It's all her fault'.
I think that even the most lenient judge is not going to think much of that as a plea in mitigation.

Yes he's actually said that some months ago, that if he got kicked out, he'd start selling drugs!! I don't care anymore and so I said that was his choice.

Sky_

Is the £100 board monthly or weekly? If £100 a month, that seems very low and is unlikely to cover his food, his share of utilities and the 25% of council tax he is costing you.  I'd never want to make a profit from my children, but they do pay their way when they live here for any length of time and they're expected to do their own laundry, help with cooking and cleaning and make their own way to and from work (usually by bus) unless there was an emergency or the buses weren't running, in which case I did drive them or collect them because we live out in the sticks.  We recently charged DS £160 a month which just about  covered his costs and he'd happily have contributed more, but he was saving hard so I didn't want to take from that.

Mine started doing their own laundry and cooking a family meal each week (pasta or soup) from age 12, but there's no reason your two shouldn't start doing that now.  Take it slowly and introduce a new responsibility each month or two.  Initially it is harder than just doing all these things yourself, but it will pay dividends if you persevere and will help them in the long run.

Does the TV sound carry a lot in your house?  If so, could you use wireless headphones late at night to avoid disturbing anyone who wants to sleep/so that you can watch in peace?  We did that in previous houses where sound carried too much and the kids did the same when they were playing music/watching TV late at night.  It's not ideal, but it makes living together so much easier!

theoretica

Slightly tangential, but I am always bemused by the advice to get adult kids to do their own laundry, cook their own meals etc.  Surely they should do yours too.  My family from senior school age it was cook for everyone one evening a week (+ more lunches in holidays), take a fair share of doing all the laundry, some cleaning etc.

sweetsand

Mojisola said:

sweetsand said:

The only thing I'd add to my post is if you did kick them out as I would, there is always the chance they may get beaten up, or worse or turn into full time crims

Why would a working adult and a uni student get beaten up when they move out from their parent's home?

Why not when people like that usally have no money, no owrk, no savings and the so-called friends only put up with them for a night or so so they sleep in squats, street etc. It is indeed a sad fact and the majority of people that watch the news etc will be aware that being homesless maks you a lot more vulnerable in being a victim of crime, ok!

sweetsand

pressurecooker said:

I'm my own worst enemy as I give in when they start being 'nice' which is usually when they need a lift etc. They think I'm in the wrong because I said that it was my house and I refuse to walk on eggshells anymore. There will be no more lifts and only food that I cook which they can either eat or buy their own. Thanks for the replies - Parentline webchat would have been my next port of call if no-one had replied. 
I've always been a penny pincher and I know I could survive on an income from reduced hours but only if they move out. I can't wait for that to happen.

Why "wait" take decisive action as the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Do take note of the pitfalls and advantages I have told you about. If you don't mind me asking are they like their biological father/s behaviour wise?

x

sweetsand

Mojisola said:

pressurecooker said:

I'm my own worst enemy as I give in when they start being 'nice' which is usually when they need a lift etc.

Tell them in advance, it's not how they behave when they want something that's important but how they behave the rest of the time - unless that improves, it doesn't matter how nice they can be towards you when they want a lift somewhere.

She's already done that and it will carry on and on if she takes that route again.

KxMx

Different arrangements suit different families, there isn't one size fits all.

Our household shares cleaning but laundry is strictly seperate and cooking is usually seperate but not always.  We are more than happy with that because it suits us. 

Savvy_Sue

Sit them down either together or separately and explain the new living arrangements. Your house, your rules. 

Also look at your household budget: you may not wish to divide it by 3 but both of them have income. When my youngest was a student but living at home, I said his grant / loan wasn't his personal spending money, some of it was keep! 

If they choose not to live by your rules, then that's their choice. They just don't live in your house. 

I don't think you need to be dramatic about this, just offer choices, and explain that they are no longer babies, they are ADULTS and this is what being a grown up is all about: you take care of yourself, you pay your way. 

Mojisola

sweetsand said:

Mojisola said:

pressurecooker said:

I'm my own worst enemy as I give in when they start being 'nice' which is usually when they need a lift etc.

Tell them in advance, it's not how they behave when they want something that's important but how they behave the rest of the time - unless that improves, it doesn't matter how nice they can be towards you when they want a lift somewhere.

She's already done that and it will carry on and on if she takes that route again.

Only if she continues to give in.

If their behaviour hasn't been acceptable, the next time they need a favour, the answer is no, no matter how nice they've been just before asking.

Mojisola

sweetsand said:

Mojisola said:

Why would a working adult and a uni student get beaten up when they move out from their parent's home?

Why not when people like that usally have no money, no owrk, no savings and the so-called friends only put up with them for a night or so so they sleep in squats, street etc. It is indeed a sad fact and the majority of people that watch the news etc will be aware that being homesless maks you a lot more vulnerable in being a victim of crime, ok!

They don't have to be thrown out of the house with no notice so that they have no option but to sleep rough or couch surf.