Help with relationship

Sarah90

elsien said:

Sarah90 said:

Sky_ said:

Would he consider working in hospitality, then you'd have similar routines?  It's no different than him expecting you to change your job.

I agree about the sulking--members of my extended family (parents and siblings) do that and I've never understood it. To my mind you either say what's upset you and sort it out, or you forget about it and move on/carry on with life as normal. Extended sulking seems very passive-aggressive.

Only you know what's right for you, but I'd make it clear to him that living with a sulky partner is not okay for me, then I'd be gone if he continues.  The libido is more tricky--is 'no libido' normal for you, or are you turned off by his sulky behaviour? 

Oh, I have a dog that I love to bits and I felt the same about the previous dog and cat, it's not daft at all.

Good luck whatever you decide to do!

Thankyou for your reply! 

We met in hospitality! He now runs a family business, so he wouldn’t consider moving back. 

My libido is nothing to do with him - I have no urges - I don’t ‘fancy’ anyone really! 

Again thanks for your reply! 

If your libido has been the same throughout your relationship then why is it only becoming an issue for him now - what's changed? Eight years is a long time to then belatedly realise that it's a problem. 

If I’m being honest, it’s been an on and off argument for the whole time. Which makes him look like a saint for putting up with it for 8 years. 

It’s only recently come to the level of seriousness, where we are both questioning our relationship. 

Yes daft to question it after a mortgage and pet - I know 

zagfles

Sarah90 said:

zagfles said:

So you work in hospitality, presumably you've not been working the last few months? Odd kind of hospitality job that would have carried on through the lockdown. So how was that? It's just you seem to write as if you've not just had 3 months off? 

Yes I have had 3 months off, however he wasn’t happy about my situation before lockdown - so it’s just carried on. I wrote as if the lockdown hasn’t happened because what I wrote was exactly the same before we went into lockdown. 

During the last 3 months it has been better because I have been around 24/7, then it returned back to normal.

Sorry for not making it clear that I have been in lockdown for 3 months, but I feel it really didn’t have anything to do with what I was asking for advice for. 

Thank you for your reply though! 

No problem! I was just a bit confused when you wrote "Add to this the fact that I work 12 hour days (on his days off) - there hasn't been much of a relationship recently", when you've not actually been working at all recently (except VERY recently).

How the relationship went during lockdown should give you an idea whether the job is the main problem or the libido mismatch, you say it was "better" but how much better? I would have thought lockdown would have had a massive impact on your relationship - especially you as you love working in hospitality and meeting people all the time presumably - and now you're just  with your bf 24/7.

-taff

As far as libido is concerned, I found previously, that if I wasn't attracted to them anymore, then libido went away never to come back. First two years, fine, tailed off to nothing after that....I probably could have made more of an effort there with some of them, but I didn't want to because they acted like children and I was actually an adult, not their mother...Either I pick badly, or men just want to revert to children...

ST1991

I don't really have any advice, but i can only offer sympathy to your situation after being in a similar situation myself.
You can go down all the 'how would you feel if your partner did this to you..' questions, but how would he feel if you blanked him for 6 days with nothing but 1 word answers after being at work all day. How can someone expect that not to affect intimate feelings towards the other person?

I was with my ex (husband) for 8 years. We got married after 5 years, bought a house together in the last 2. Things were bad, but we kept going along. He did a similar thing, where he would sulk if i wasn't in the mood. He obviously felt rejected but we could never discuss the underlying issues without it causing a huge argument and the more he was like that, the less and less i was in the mood to be intimate, if ever... it got to the point where even if i 'was' in the mood, if i wasn't quick enough to tell him he would huff and puff like a 4 year old, grab the duvet and go and sleep on the sofa (leaving me in bed with no covers...) with no way to 'console' him out of that mood. The next day it would be as if nothing happened...
I tried anti-depressants and that made things worse (better for my mood, but worse for my libido) and then eventually i tried counselling and that helped.
Counselling, although terrifying, helped me massively. It also helped me realise my relationship was sooo unhealthy, there were so many things going on that weren't right, but i had just put up with because after you've been with someone for such a long time you get used to the little nuisances that would normally be red flags. In the end i broke things off and it was a total mess (i won't lie...) but my life is so much better now. It got much worse for a while, because of my mental health and years of being battered down, suffering emotional abuse and being gaslighted without realising it, for it to all suddenly become so obvious to me that i struggled to cope with 'being so stupid/naive' for such a long time. But now i am the happiest i've ever been.

I've moved on, managed to buy him out of the house we bought together, with my new partner. We are now engaged, have an amazing dog and are expecting our first baby in December. I still struggle sometimes, but my new partner is very understanding.

At the end of the day it is up to you, if you want to make it work it is worth trying at the very least - however it is unfair to put up with certain behaviour.
Also, when you meet someone at a young age you may not have grown fully into the person you are now, or who you want to be. Sometimes people just don't grow together...

MaterialGirl*

Have you a actually asked him if he wants to continue the relationship? He may be feeling trapped by the situation having a mortgage and dog together and also doesn’t want to be the bad guy breaking up the relationship?  

He may now realise after you spend more time together at home together that the relationship is just not what he wants anymore but doesn’t want to say it but us trying to be passive aggressive with you instead? 

I think you need to be the one asking for a conversation. You can still decide on counselling should you both want to continue the relationship.

zagfles

-taff said:

As far as libido is concerned, I found previously, that if I wasn't attracted to them anymore, then libido went away never to come back. First two years, fine, tailed off to nothing after that....I probably could have made more of an effort there with some of them, but I didn't want to because they acted like children and I was actually an adult, not their mother...Either I pick badly, or men just want to revert to children...

The usual rule of thumb is if you have a problem with one or two people, then maybe it's them, if you have the same problem with lots of different people, then it's less likely that it's them that's the problem. But then again you could believe the misandrist stereotyping coming from the female equivalent of the so called "incel" movement. I find it odd so many posters offering "advice" on the "marriages/relationships" board seem to be people who aren't capable of holding down a relationship themselves, and don't even seem to be interested in doing so.

I tried ski-ing a couple of times, didn't enjoy it and have no interest in doing it again. Funnily enough, I don't hang out on internet ski-ing forums offering people advice on ski-ing. That would be known as "trolling".

-taff

Well, you see the current one is fine. Im still attracted to him, he's still attracted to me, it's been six years. We've known each other for over twenty though. And he does take up his share of the doings. Which is not what I can say for the other two I lived with, who both reverted to 'I'm a child, look after me, do the housework and organise everything and do everything I want to do and nothing you do'. So you know what you can do with your trolling comment

TBagpuss

I wonder whether it would be worth you suggesting to your partner that the teo of you speak to RELATE or to family therapist?
Effective communication is absolutely key to a relationship, and at the moment, you don't seem to have that at all. He is sulking and refusing to talk, neither of you at the moment seems to be very open to thinking about making changes to accommodate the other.

On a personal level, I would suggest that you think about what you might be prepared to consider changing - e.g.  altering or reducing  your hours, looking (as a longer term option) for a different job, perhaps within the same sector but with fewer unsocial hours, or even thinking about what you love about your job and whether there are any other jobs which might give you the same positives but have fewer late / long hours. Equally, think about what you would like him to change about his behavior, his job or hours etc - you don't necessarily have to make any of those changes, but it can be a useful exercise to clarify to yourself what you would and wouldn't be willing to change, and what you would or wouldn't be able to live with in terms of his actions and what you would ideally like him to change. 

If he is not prepared to talk to you or to go to relate or talk to anyone else, then you would need to think about whether, if nothing changes, you still want to be in this relationship.

I second the advice to think about the differences in your libidos and what is causing that - i.e. do you not want sex because you are unhappy in the relationship / under stress or was it true before things started to go wrong? consider speaking to a doctor to rule out any medical cause, but assuming that there isn't one, the other thing which it may be helpful to consider is, again, what you and he could change, and what you (or he) wouldn't be prepared to live with. For instance, whether you would both enjoy / feel comfortable with  intimacy falling short of actual sex,  how you would feel if he were to do something else such as  watch /read !!!!!!, play with himself etc  if you are not in the mood, whether those are is something the two of you might explore together, how big an issue this is for each of you now etc - I don't think that Relate would cover this but you could look at trying to find a couples therapist / counseller who deals with sexual issues as well as wider relationship/ communications issues. 

If you decide that it is too late for any of that and that the relationship is over, don't just walk out, Stop and think about whether it would make more sense for you, or for him, to move out (consider things like how easy it will be to find rented accommodation, especially with a dog, how much renting would cost compared to paying the mortgage, whether longer term you want to buy him out of the house or have him buy you out, etc.  Both financially, and practically, in terms of getting to an agreement about selling / buying out the house you may do better to stay put until you have a clear agreement, rather than just walking away and trying to negotiate afterwards (it is a bit uncomfortable, but that can help as it puts pressure on you both to reach an agreement and sort out a sale / transfer / whatever!) 

Whatever you decide, good luck.

zagfles

-taff said:

Well, you see the current one is fine. Im still attracted to him, he's still attracted to me, it's been six years. We've known each other for over twenty though. And he does take up his share of the doings. Which is not what I can say for the other two I lived with, who both reverted to 'I'm a child, look after me, do the housework and organise everything and do everything I want to do and nothing you do'. So you know what you can do with your trolling comment

Oh I see, so you're now contradicting your previous "Either I pick badly, or men just want to revert to children..."

Sexist stereotyping and contradictory posts - typical trolling behaviour

rach_k

zagfles said:

I find it odd so many posters offering "advice" on the "marriages/relationships" board seem to be people who aren't capable of holding down a relationship themselves, and don't even seem to be interested in doing so. 

It's the Marriages, Relationships and Families board.  In case you don't realise, you don't need to be married or "in a relationship" to have a family, nor is every relationship between partners.