It's time to begin.....

WinterWarrior

If this was mumsnet you’d get a raft of LTB’s!
id be tempted to suggest he has a nose job and see how that goes down! Honestly he’s not being sensible or kind to you. No one can even see bottom teeth at the best of times 😔

joedenise

Absolutely agree with both @southern_chick and @WinterWarrior.  Love WW's suggestion!

stymied

Do you even care about his hair length any more? Fingers crossed for no more imaginary problems being raised tonight! Stay strong x

Kakiste

No not really. And honestly if he said 'well I prefer it longer' then that would be the end of the conversation, given it's his hair! 

It just really annoyed me; that he wont even admit that he's !!!!!! about the money, keeps pretending that its nothing to do with that and is a totally separate issue. Its so disingenuous. Particually as his response to my comment about the insane cost and how I couldnt ever afford that was "When has that ever stopped you before" 

@WinterWarrior Yep i'm fully aware! I don't post on mumsnet (though i read the relationships board frequently, living vicariously through other people leaving similar idiots) as I'm reasonably sure he drops in on the forums (gets very anti-woman relatively frequently and cites mumsnet as a 'cesspit of feminism' and I'm concerned he'd recognise himself through my post. However he is totally unaware of MSE and i'm deliberately not mentioning it and only logging on using duck duck go (which removes all trace of search history/cookies etc) when you close the window. 
If he doesn't suddenly have a personality transplant in the next 18-20 months Ill be looking forward to being in my own peaceful home with the kid, wearing a feminist sloganed t-shirt and playing the Hamilton soundtrack at an unreasonably high volume!

WinterWarrior

Ah, go for it! I had 18 yrs of similar hell. Lost all my money, my confidence, half of my pension, had to start completely again....yet I would never, ever go back. Reading your post made me really sad, I remember those days and actually got (eventually) to a point where I didn’t care anymore. It was a long time coming though and I do know how hard it is. You know what they say, he’s showing you who he really is...if only I’d understood that at the beginning, sigh!
My favourite slogan T-shirt says ‘in my defence, I was unsupervised’ 😬
Perhaps for now Hamilton through noise cancelling headphones? 😁

Kakiste

I dont own any headphones- but I play it in the car a lot. When I was self-isolating after one of my year 11s had covid last October I spent a whole school day sat on the sofa, watching it. Fantastic use of a day!
Ive got a list of thing a mile long that I avoid doing/saying/watching/listening to whilst at home as otherwise it sets him off- he'll pitch it as "oh dont be silly- you can do/say/watch whatever you like. However in reality it's very different and certainly produces either a horrible mood, a huge rant about how X is terrible for the following reasons (last time he realised i was listening to Hamilton the resultant rant went on for over an hour) or both. 
He's currently sulking in the spare bedroom- I'm clearly meant to go and chase him down and have a long drawn out conversation where he explains how terrible a person I am and I apologise and say I'll get braces but that's not going to happen. So he can continue to sulk about what a crap wife he has who wont have unwanted medical procedures purely on his say so or emmigrate with him as my only adult company! What a beast I am! 

I'm glad you're well out of it @WinterWarrior. Once im debt free i'm going to be very clear about how I feel he needs to behave/stop behaving and see how that goes down, if it lead balloons i'll be off. I'd happily sacrifice my pension for that. 

bellevie

It must be exhausting treading on eggshells constantly.
Is the 18 month timescale for the debt to be cleared and savings built? 
If you needed to go sooner could you? Do you think there's any chance if you stay true to yourself he might chose to walk away, could you see that happening?

Kakiste

18 months is for all debts to be cleared. I could go now and be able to afford to rent a 2 bed flat and maintain all current bills, but it would then mean my DMP lasting until 2026/2027 and not being in the position to have a house deposit until 2030. If I wait until next summer/early autumn it means I could afford a small house, maintain current bills and still also be able to save £500 towards a deposit every month. That way I could afford to buy a house in 2024. 

Yes I absolutely see that happening @bellevie. He has to have his own way, in the majority of things, all the time. Whilst moaning that everything is terrible for him and playing the victim. He says about how much he wants an equal partnership in marriage and also in friendships and for people to bite back and assert themselves, but he absolutely hates it whenever anyone does. If anyone disagrees with him (or worse, makes fun of him) it leads to serious sulking and anger. 

It's mainly that if I'm committed to staying until the debt is gone (for reasons above) if I push back and constantly assert myself, it will leads to lots and lots of shouting in front of my daughter and at the moment there is none. He is blanking me or being horrible whenever we're alone but she's not witnessing any of it. I've grey rocked and I'm not getting upset. Whilst it might me feel slightly better in some ways to assert myself, it will lead to far more negative a home environment. He may well flounce off, but that would set me back massively financially. 

I think it really helps to have a job I love. Before, when I was in the horrible school I had a job I hated (where I was physically beaten up everyday by teenagers and constantly got at by a toxic management.) so I couldn't wait to leave there everyday. But when stuff was bad at home then it gave me nowhere I enjoyed being. And I did that for 10 years! Now when stuff is bad at home I just relish the time at work. Lots of colleagues I can moan to and who are very sympathetic. 

bellevie

It makes such a difference to have great support outside the home doesn't it 😊

I can see why your position is difficult, it sounds like you've thought this out clearly, good that you also know what your position would be if it did need to end sooner.

WinterWarrior

It sounds like a great plan. Just make sure your deposit savings can’t be raided when you leave.
Wishing you the best of luck...it can only get better.