A lightbulb?-Now MM's 5 in 4 challenge!

Garnet_Gem

Sorry MM but I'm speaking from experience. I hope things work out for you.

Magnolia

I am so sorry you are going through all this (((hugs))) on your income you should be reasonably comfortable but your hubby isn't playing ball.

You need to sit down and make a list of all your outgoings and present him with it. Mark all the ones that he is responsible for and let him know that it isn't acceptable any more.

Involve his parents! They are the ones that raised this man so they shoukld accept some of the responsibility.

Make yourself an appointment with the CAB and see if you can consolidate all your CC and close them down. Its a shame we cannot get individuals added to the black list when its needed just so he cannot get another one!

As for the golf course - tell him he isn't Tiger Woods and joining a bigger, better golf course wont help him to be him either. Golf is golf and if all he wants is the 19th hole and the prestige of belonging to the 'best in the area' then he really needs a reality check - backslapping and handshaking wont make him a better man but looking after his family and accepting his responsibilities will.

I am sure he is a good dad and loves you all very much be he does need to open his eyes to what is falling down round him.

Hope you can get him to listen (((hugs)))

CRANKY40

It isn't "only money" at all though is it? You are juggling the family finances and the kids are going without so that he can do exactly as he pleases.

Where is his respect for his family and his consideration for everyone else's needs? I'm sorry to say this, and each to their own of course, but if my husband treated me like that he would be out of the door.

Edited as the above isn't really that constructive. You need to do some planning, and also ask him how much in debt you need to be before he realises that it has to stop. Could you put your SOA on here too, so we can see the real size of the problem/solutions needed?

MidlandsMum

Incoming
My salary- 800 minimum, can be up to 1500 in the summer, average about 900. Paid 4 weekly.
OH- 1300
CB - 120
Tax Credit - 40

---

Average 2360 - More than I thought!

Monthly bills

Mortgage - 440
Gas- 30
Elec- 32
TV license 12
BT, inc broadband - 40
Mobiles- 30
Pet Insurance- 5
Build and contents ins -40
Loans- 220 - HSBC - loan 1 - 170pm 11 mos left, loan 2 50pm 5 mos left
Contact Lenses and checkups - 20
Water- 15
Council tax - 90
Sky - 40
Car Insurances - 60

---

total 1074

---

Credit cards:
Card Owe Limit Pay
HSBC 2350 2500 60 (is on 5.9 for life of bal)
Mint 1100 1300 20
TSB Plat 900 1000 20
Virgin 1300 3500 40
Virgin 300 7500 12
Marbles 290 500 14
Debenhams 200 500 12
Topshop 50 350 15
Sainsbury's 1900 1900 39
Barclaycard 2800 3500 80
Barclaycard 180 200 10

---

total 11370 322

---

Also:
new TV, owe 600 on 12 mos interest free, up in sept 08
Xbox 360 - owe 270 9 months left to pay.

So, we should have on average around a 1000 a month to live on.

OH pocket money 240
Petrol 140 (25pw his, 10pw mine - finding it hard to keep mine low as fuel is so expensive)
food 300 (inc kids lunches, my lunches and occasional trip out for a burger)
housekeeping - I would like to have 50pw but cant find that at the moment
Childcare is free, my grandparents/ MIL helps out.
Total 880

So, in theory, should have 120 per month left over, usually goes on clothes/shoes/OH extra spends. That is if I took 50pw housekeeping, which I dont.

As you can see, it's tight.


I'm going to the Good Food show with my sisters and my parents tomorrow, and I'm sure my mum will help me out if I take a shine to anything toward my christmas gift from them. Also, I'll fill up on freebies so I dont need lunch or dinner.


For holidays we usually do mobile home in France for a week, which with car hire and spending money never comes to more than 1000, but I am thinking we may have to knock that on the head next year.

painted_lady

I sympathise with you, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It isnt right to feel scared in a relationship, sounds like you need to talk.
My OH is from a family that consists of him, his mum (who he sees about twice a year and isbnt even bothered about that) and a dog. I have over 50 people in my close family. Now we have a baby I am begining to see a different side to him, mainly due to very different family circumstances.
Hopefully, we are working through our problems, after a difficult year, although finances werent involved in our difficulties.

GettingThingsDone

Hi MidlandsMum,

Sympathise with you - sounds like you're being a mum to your OH. I agree with the other posters, it certainly isnt right to feel scared in a relationship, but I don't know what you do about that.

Have you shown your OH your SOA? Why don't you hand it all over to him to sort out, and take up an expensive hobby yourself. Basically, it sounds like he's has delusions of grandeur - fine, if he wants to join the golf club, then tell him to get a better job and earn more money.

Sorry for ranting a bit, but he needs to wake up. Actually, he doesn't - from his view life is sweet...

gtd

kizzykizzywizzy

Hi Midlands Mum
Sounds like you're having a hard time at the moment, I always think that I've got 3 children instead of two!
I don't know how you are going to do it, but he has got to be made to realise just how selfish he is being.
If one of your children whined on about having the latest toy & you couldn't afford it,would you just give in & let them have it, because they were behaving so badly? NO & you shouldn't do the same for him either.
It's totally unfair for you to watch every penny, whilst he goes out spending ££££s
I wish I could practice what I preach occasionally as my Hubby wraps me around his little finger sometimes, but not at the cost of our children going without.
His family should come before anything else, seems he's having the best of both worlds, this won't stop until you make it stop.
Sorry to sound so hard, I just feel you need to be firmer with him.
Best of luck

CRANKY40

I'm bumping this up in the hopes that some of the experts can look at your SOA. I think your OH needs to have his pocket money reduced, but I reckon there are probably savings to be made on the food side of things too. Have you tried the Old Style board for advice re meal planning and cooking?

To my mind all the bills should be paid and then, and only then, anything left should be divided between you, half each.

I have got into debt because I have the opposite problem to you - I now work part time so I can look after my little boy, my husband has more money left once his bills are paid than I have before I pay anything, yet I refused to admit to him that I couldn't cope with what I had and used credit cards instead. This money thing should be a partnership as I am grudgingly starting to admit to myself.

Karmacat

Hi there MidlandsMum
Welcome to mse! You sound like you're in a horrible situation, and I've posted to give you some feedback on your soa, tho I'm not an "expert" - but the truth is, if your OH continues to act like a money drain, improvements in the soa won't make any difference, he'll just find more ways to spend the money. So thats the caveat, on to the soa.....

MidlandsMum wrote: »

Incoming
My salary- 800 minimum, can be up to 1500 in the summer, average about 900. Paid 4 weekly.
OH- 1300
CB - 120
Tax Credit - 40

---

Average 2360 - More than I thought!

Monthly bills

Mortgage - 440 what kind of deal are you on? Can this be renegotiated?
Gas- 30
Elec- 32 gas and elec both sound not too bad, but check through uswitch and quidco and whatnot.
TV license 12
BT, inc broadband - 40
Mobiles- 30 again, check you're on the cheapest tariff you can find, and if you aren't, switch using the most advantageous means.
Pet Insurance- 5
Build and contents ins -40 as a monthly figure, that sounds pretty high, actually.
Loans- 220 - HSBC - loan 1 - 170pm 11 mos left, loan 2 50pm 5 mos left only 5 months left on one of them, excellent, that means you'll soon have an amount to snowball, i.e. to chuck at other debts.
Contact Lenses and checkups - 20 that sounds pretty high. I don't use contact lenses myself, so I can't be sure, but I've seen soa.s where the cheapest method of purchasing was online. Could you do this?
Water- 15
Council tax - 90
Sky - 40 woah! Thats pretty high!
Car Insurances - 60

---

total 1074

---

Credit cards:
Card Owe Limit Pay
HSBC 2350 2500 60 (is on 5.9 for life of bal)
Mint 1100 1300 20
TSB Plat 900 1000 20
Virgin 1300 3500 40
Virgin 300 7500 12
Marbles 290 500 14
Debenhams 200 500 12
Topshop 50 350 15
Sainsbury's 1900 1900 39
Barclaycard 2800 3500 80
Barclaycard 180 200 10

generalised "ouch" to all of this lot. I can see that you've worked really hard on getting all the figures in there, and you've got one interest in there, on the HSBC card, but what's the aprs for the rest of them? Is there any switching around you can do? Just re-read your first post, and you've already done some of that, but check out whether there's any other deals you can get.

---

total 11370 322

---

Also:
new TV, owe 600 on 12 mos interest free, up in sept 08
Xbox 360 - owe 270 9 months left to pay.

So, we should have on average around a 1000 a month to live on.

OH pocket money 240
Petrol 140 (25pw his, 10pw mine - finding it hard to keep mine low as fuel is so expensive) um, wasn't his "pocket money" (a very telling phrase!) supposed to cover his petrol?
food 300 (inc kids lunches, my lunches and occasional trip out for a burger) that *is* one area where you can cut down. You have two kids, is that right? As Cranky40 suggested, hop over to the Moneysaving Old Style board for moneysaving inspiration in relation to food.
housekeeping - I would like to have 50pw but cant find that at the moment most people on here, from what I can see, count that in the food bill. What does it mean, anyway? Is that basically cleaning products? Depending on what it is, you can certainly cut it down.
Childcare is free, my grandparents/ MIL helps out.
Total 880

So, in theory, should have 120 per month left over, usually goes on clothes/shoes/OH extra spends. That is if I took 50pw housekeeping, which I dont.

You're right, there's other things not budgetted for that inevitably take money - tho that OH extra spends in the "extras" list convinces me that the point everyone's making, including me, is real - anything you save will be swallowed by your OH unless he comes onside, or you set up a separate bank account and formally separate your finances from his, or something really drastic like that.

You probably need to start a spending diary - what *is* the food that you buy? What does that housekeeping go on? What are the extras that swallow the £120 a month? Until you know, you don't have control. And you'll need to write down every penny - Martin's demotivator tool, in the column on the right hand side of each page on here, shows the effect of anything you care to mention, added up over a year or something. £1.50 a day on a coffee adds up, as they say - its hard to realise how, until you see it on the screen/in print.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps. And I hope you can find a way to confront your OH so that he gets the idea.

Keep posting!

As you can see, it's tight.


I'm going to the Good Food show with my sisters and my parents tomorrow, and I'm sure my mum will help me out if I take a shine to anything toward my christmas gift from them. Also, I'll fill up on freebies so I dont need lunch or dinner.

Yum, by the way! Was it good?

For holidays we usually do mobile home in France for a week, which with car hire and spending money never comes to more than 1000, but I am thinking we may have to knock that on the head next year.

MidlandsMum

Thank you so much, everyone for your comments and advice. I have had a chat with the OH and he does know much more than I thought about the money situation, but I think he's just trying to pretend it's not as dire as it is. He's also very willing to cut down on his spends and other things when he gets into the golf club. The way I see it, him joining will be a Money Saving thing to do as during the summer he plays sometimes 3 times a week at up to £20 a round. This way he can play as much as he likes and it is just down the road. So, I have taken £100 a month from him to cover the golf club subs and joining fee, and made him order a new card for his own bank account so he will get a standing order for £130 every 4 weeks for spending money. I will give him cash to put fuel in the car and if he runs out of cash before I get paid, then tough. I will also confiscate his card for the joint spending account to stop his making any unbudgeted purchases. The gas and electric statement came today, we were about £70 in credit, so I've asked for a refund and will put that toward the Topshop card and close the account (for me, that is the only card that will hurt as I like to have it handy incase anything takes my fancy, but I thought it was best to do the most painful one first, to make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile!) I'm finishing my Xmas shopping next week, making sure everything goes through Quidco. Once I have a decent amount in that I will use that toward the TV savings.

I have tried doing my groceries online, but I'm quite rubbish at it, I never seem to buy enough to use the free delivery codes. Maybe when I start meal planning I will get better, I'm a bit hit and miss at the minute.


As for the flaming Good Food Show :mad: I didnt go. I woke up with a vomiting (sorry) bug at 5am yesterday and there was no way I could face it, they all went without me. What a waste of twenty quid! Still I had a NSD lying on the sofa watching The Riches while the OH took the kids to his Mums. I absolutely love Minnie Driver in it. :T