A lightbulb?-Now MM's 5 in 4 challenge!

MidlandsMum

Hi, Everyone. I'm Midlands Mum and I'm in debt. I'm not sure just how much, but I'm in debt. Since I've found this site I have done most things I can to save cash, joined quidco, claimed back over 2k in bank charges and moved some of my CC debt around. I try not to touch my car at least one day a week, take 50p cans of soup to work for lunch and only buy my clothes in sales. My Husband, however is another story.

I think I'll start at the beginning and if any of you lose interest then that's fair enough. Just reading it back I've realised it's a bit of a stream of conciousness thing, but it's good to get it out there, yunno.

8 years ago, when we bought our tiny terraced house we were approx 7k in debt from loans and CCs. Our mortgage was 40k and our income before tax around 25k pa. The mortgage now stands at 56k thanks to borrowing to pay off my husband's CC debt (and, admittedly, a little of mine) and I estimate 11.5k on cards and 2k on bank loans. We also have two accounts with 500 overdrafts that are being used. Our gross income is now in the region of 36K due to me getting a much better paid part-time job. So, with over 2k a month coming in I am still staggered to find we have no money left at the end of the month. When I started this job, almost 2 years ago we decided my husband's wage would pay all the bills and credit and mine would be for spends as I get paid 4 weekly and the amount can vary from 800 to over 1200 a month depending on commission. (I work for a travel agency). A few years ago I put my husband on a budget. 60pw into his own bank account. Out of this he would have petrol money, trips to the pub, etc... It was obviously not enough for his Champagne tastes as he managed to run up 7k on cards and the repayments on those meant I had to resort to using my own cards for food, etc. Then, 18 months ago he discovered Golf. he is now averaging 100pw in spends plus 25 petrol and then maybe the odd 50-60 golf club now and then. I encourage him to sell his old gear on Ebay and to be fair he does use the money in his paypal account very often to buy new things, but now he wants to join the very prestigious golf club just down the road. The joining fee is 1k, plus 80pm subs. He has every intention of cutting down his pocket money to pay this but I just cant see how this will happen and where the spare cash will come from. I have cut off his every line of credit from cards by hiding and cutting them up, and in extreme circumstances with the one I know he has in his wallet, only paying the minimum so he can no longer spend. The kids and I don't often go out, maybe to the local McD's for a treat once a week, where we all have happy meals. The kids and I dont have takeaways often either, I have become the queen of the cheap and easy pasta dish/ fish with rice and veg. OH, however is very picky about his food, he eats junk, to be fair and if it's not in the fridge there is a strop and a mood. Oh yes, the moods. If he doesnt get his own way he is evil to live with. He sulks and strops, brings up old arguments and things I have done wrong over our ten year marriage and knows how to make me feel so small I want to crawl off and hide. I've managed to get pretty good at hiding over the years. I'm not as scared of him as I was a few years ago but sometime I do feel like it's just me and the kids and he just flits in and out to eat and sleep and watch TV. I organise all the childcare, the shopping, the cleaning, the washing and ironing, the kids school needs and the cat. I make sure the bills are paid (mostly) on time, the cars are taxed, holidays are arranged and budgeted for (I get concessions on these) and I still try to keep myself looking tidy. His Mum gave us 500 not long ago to get a new bathroom fitted and my grandparents offered to pay for the suite as a gift. The 500 is long gone and the toilet still doesnt flush properly.

Right, I think I will leave it at this for now, the way I am feeling I could probably type all day, but I won't. Sorry it was so long.



Update 290108 - Hubby's given me a challenge, pay off five debts by the end of May. I'm going to prove to him I know best and will make sure I win. If anyone wishes to join in, please do.

Sea78

HI honey - welcome to the board.

My goodness - your OH sounds terribly selfish! Are you happy in the relationship? How about your kids? Do they see much of him at all?

I'm sure you'll get loads of help on here, you sound unhappy.
Hugs
Sea xxx

suzialwaysbroke

OMG! Big (((((((hugs)))))) to you. It sounds to me like you are the only grown up in that relationship. I'm no psychologist, but I feel there are very deep issues there to be tackled, & that is going to be very difficult for you. I wish I could come up with a nice pat solution for you, but I'm afraid there isn't one.
Best of luck to you with whatever you do. I hope someone on here reads it & has some positive answers for you.

Much love,

Suzi xx

In_Search_Of_Me

Only you have the answers in your relationship but big hugs to you as it sounds pretty much as if you are a single parent! What does he bring to the relationship? Can you talk to your OH about how unhappy you are, or a close friend? Probably the best thing, if you can, is to post your SOA and we'll help where we can. Big hugs fr you & welcome to MSE.

Mad_old_tory

Don't worry about the length of post, it's obviously something you needed to get off your chest and I hope it has helped you vent a little bit

Does your OH know the exact state of your finances and what will happen if you don't sort things out. It sounds terribly unfair that you are putting in all this effort and he just spurns it

Perhaps you should post up an SOA and the experts on here can help you cut down a bit more without hurting your sol, but if your husband won't play ball it might not make a great deal of difference.

All I can say is I'm wishing you all the best and your OH has the lightbulb moment he really needs

Steve

MidlandsMum

Yeah, he's selfish. Only child syndrome, I call it. He's never really had to share before, where I grew up with two sisters and everything had to be shared. I still make sure I clear my plate every time I eat cos I think I'm still worried someone else will try to finish my food! The kids adore him, he's a good man and I know he does love me and the kids very much, it's just he's still of the impression the world revolves around him, rather than my view that the world revolves around the family (I have a very close extended family, he only ever had his Mum and one set of grandparents). To be honest, I dont mind him going out, give me chance to do housework, spend time with the kids, but I do get lonely now and again, I suppose today is one of those days. He's on the golf course and I'm left with a tenner in the bank to feed us for a week.

Sea78

Oh hon - this just sounds worse and worse - could you suggest to him that you need to have a good talk abotu this all when the kids are in bed? Perhaps even print out this thread and ask him for all the details of the debt so that you know the whole situation fully.

Sea xxx

MidlandsMum

I've kind of tried all this, talking and budgeting and stuff, but he still does exactly what he wants. I keep telling myself "it's only money", I remember my Mum and Dad struggling when I was growing up and now they have no financial worries at all, if anything my Dad often offers to help out but I'm always too embarrassed to take him up on his offer. As far as I was aware all families with young children struggle, it's just how it is, but I see now that if we werent paying off these debts (or standing still with them, they dont seem to go down) we would be 5-600 pounds pm better off and I could book the holiday to Florida like I would love to (I got sent there last year for worlk and long to take the kids) and he could join any bl**dy golf course he wanted!

Garnet_Gem

He has to accept that his income doesn't cater for his lifestyle. Face the fact that he doesn't love you and the children enough to stop him being so selfish. If he won't listen to you maybe you and the children would be better off without him. Reading your OP you admit that you've been scared of him. Not a good basis for a relationship. It's all about control and he controls the family. Good luck for the future.

MidlandsMum

Wow, that's a bit scary to read.

Sea78

Young families don't have to struggle - it's not just one of those things. You are earning enough that you and the kids should NOT have to feed yourselves on £10 a week while he swans off to the golf. It is not right.

We can help though - do try to fin out all the totals and maybe there are some steps we can advise to make it easier.