Revealed humiliating CC debt to my husband and can't remortgage

IrishSean

Sry to hear that Tommy.
I hope it works out OK for the OP; as has been said the debt is small into relation to their combined income and all circumstances are different. I just hope both can recognise in any relationship there's no such thing as perfect and hopefully their marriage is strong enough to recover and the financial situation gets addressed without any more pain or upset...
👌

tommyedinburgh

happyandcontented said:

tommyedinburgh said:

Something similar happened to me back in 2007. Found out over the weekend, she was back at her parents' house by the Tuesday, house sold within 9 or 10 weeks and the DIY divorce applied for 2 years to the day of separation if I recall correctly.

I think I have been in her company 3 or 4 times since at funerals and weddings etc, she can probably confirm this as she still uses and contributes to this very web forum...

Out of interest what was the bigger issue? The secrecy or the amount of debt?
Was this a symptom of deeper/previous issues given that you wasted no time in splitting up?
I am assuming that the money didn't go on something similar to what the OP spent it on? If it had would that have coloured your response?

The situation was different, perhaps around the same on credit cards and next directory etc. The biggest amount was around £30k+ in cash that she had been giving to her brother (inspired by my own success, he had started a business and 'promised' to pay it back and a few holidays for her parents, I suspect more).

At that time I was earning astronomical amounts of money (all above board), she was assisting me with the administration of the small business at the evenings and weekend etc when I was away working. I was literally working one way or another 16-18 hours a day, 7 days a week. I did not suspect that my wife would be the person to wipe out around £50k in cash and debt etc.

Edit - I didn't answer your question, the biggest issue for me was the secrecy and lies, I got the cash back when the house sold.

Katie875

I'm also sorry to hear about your marriage, Tommy. 

As furious as my husband was, he made it very clear that this doesn't change how he feels about me and that we're in this together. For a bit of context, when we first met he had very little money and no financial support from his family, and I earned more than him: I paid for his groceries, meals out and holidays as well. As a couple, we know to support each other when one of us is struggling. His issue wasn't so much the money, but the fact that he thought I was too proud to ask him for help. Though he's helping me pay off some of this, he also knows that I'll pay it all back 100%.

I personally think there isn't a single 'right' way to deal with financial matters in a relationship. Whatever a couple has agreed is okay between them, that's okay. I see that my issue has sparked a heated debate, which wasn't my intention at all, but I'm thankful for all of your comments. 

Mr87

Katie, I'm glad you've remained engaged through all of this. The thing for me has always been how self critical you have appeared throughout e.g humiliated, when your motives have always been good, and you seem like a good person. So I think you have a right to be proud of those motives, and be less self critical. You should also be proud of opening up on a very personal issue, it requires bravery. The heated debate is generated because how to manage money within a couple can be contentious; as you put it, there is no single right way. Moving forward, whatever and however you decide, any arrangement struck needs to be open and agreed between you, and crucially, you *both* need to be in control of the outcome (it is not enough to simply just know the outcome). Good luck, support will always be here. 

Katie875

Mr87 said:

Katie, I'm glad you've remained engaged through all of this. The thing for me has always been how self critical you have appeared throughout e.g humiliated, when your motives have always been good, and you seem like a good person. So I think you have a right to be proud of those motives, and be less self critical. You should also be proud of opening up on a very personal issue, it requires bravery. The heated debate is generated because how to manage money within a couple can be contentious; as you put it, there is no single right way. Moving forward, whatever and however you decide, any arrangement struck needs to be open and agreed between you, and crucially, you *both* need to be in control of the outcome (it is not enough to simply just know the outcome). Good luck, support will always be here. 

Thank you so much. It really is a huge relief to hear a kind word when things are so bleak. I hope once I'm done with this self-inflicted mess, I can encourage people like you all did here. Thank you

EimearF

Katie875 you did something really nice for your Grandmother at the end of her life. 

This is not the same as blowing it on something for yourself. It was the right thing to do overall. 

You should have told your husband but this wasn’t a selfish act, you are being too hard on yourself. 

rach_k

Is it possible that your husband feels some shame that you felt you couldn't come to him, and that's why he's reacting so badly?  If I found that my spouse didn't feel he could come to me for financial help for a sick relative, that would be a far bigger issue than the concealing of debt.  I'd feel terribly guilty that my apparent behaviour/attitudes meant he didn't ask me for help when it was needed.  

Spinelli99

rach_k said:

Is it possible that your husband feels some shame that you felt you couldn't come to him, and that's why he's reacting so badly?  If I found that my spouse didn't feel he could come to me for financial help for a sick relative, that would be a far bigger issue than the concealing of debt.  I'd feel terribly guilty that my apparent behaviour/attitudes meant he didn't ask me for help when it was needed.  

I think it’s more likely he’s angry that she lied to him, it’s all very noble that it was for a good cause but when you make financial decisions behind your partners back then you are asking for trouble, I can’t understand why, when you are married that you can’t discuss everything and anything? 

OP If you thought he was the kind of man who would say “no we are not going to help your grandmother”  and felt you had no choice but to go behind his back then maybe it’s you who should be asking is this a man I want to spend my life with, you can’t say you didn’t want to take his money, because in the end that’s how it ended up. You never gave him a chance to help you because of what YOU thought might be the outcome if you discussed it with him, he has no reason to feel shame, I reckon he’s very disappointed in you and no he should not have had to ask you for the credit cards, you should have offered them to him or destroyed them, he is the one who now who has to sort the debt out and at the moment he doesn’t trust you not to use them again, not if he’s the one who in the end will have to bail you out again.

OP All of those people that are saying he behaved badly is probably helping you to justify that it is not all your fault. It is all your fault, you made a bad judgement, he’s not happy, we live and learn, it’s not the end of the world, he obviously loves you as he’s offering to help you and no he didn’t have to, this is not a problem he has to own.  

Move forward, be honest with him in future and I’m sure in time this will all be forgotten. I am sure if you share your worries about your parents with him he may surprise you and actually help you.

I’m only being honest and none of this is to berate you, we are all human and we sometimes do silly things, what you did for your grandmother and parents was very generous, it shows what type of person you are, the fact you’re husband didn’t run for the hills and even told you it didn’t change the way he feels about you, should show you (maybe when he stops ruffling his feathers) he is a keeper after all. 

John_

Mr87 said:

That mortgage + income with your CC debt is really not going to be a problem, unless there are some other large expenses that you have which you haven't outlined. You'd be amazed what you could achieve when you put your mind to it. This might be the impetus you need to put together a budget. Why don't you work through one with your husband, together? [Edit: a joint budget, not just for you] Pare back your expenses to see what you could get down to at a minimum - just for a month, and you might just be surprised at the end result. 

Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you ran up debt for a pretty honourable reason, helping out your family in their time of need, and from what you’ve saod so far there’s no reason to think that you won’t be able to get a mortgage.
I do think that you need to have an honest conversation with your husband, and then, after that, speak to a good whole-of-market broker.

enthusiasticsaver

Katie875 said:

Thanks, everyone.
To be honest, our finances are indeed rather separate and have always been: that's because my husband comes from a wealthy family, whereas I come from a typical working-class family. I got merit scholarships to afford university, both for my bachelors and masters, and I was the first person in my family to even go to university. I'm only saying this to explain that our starting points in life were different, and I didn't want to take advantage of his family's money or his. His family would never need financial assistance - they have more than enough in both savings and assets to last them a lifetime and more. My family might need financial assistance in the future - they're debt free and own their home, but can save very little with their small pensions. If it happens, I've learnt my lesson and I'll speak to him right away. 

Generally, we discuss about what we can afford together and then divide the cost equally - in some cases, he actually pays more, since I still make less than him. I'll have a proper conversation with him once he's calmer. More than anything, I think the concept of having any kind of debt was so alien to him that the cognitive dissonance made him angrier and more confused than he would've normally been.

I really appreciate everyone's comments

I think I can understand where he is coming from although I am struggling with you having to relinquish your cards. I also have a strong aversion to debt and would be very disappointed if my husband built up credit card or loan debt but thankfully he never has.

At least the cards are on the table now and you can make a plan to repay. I see no problem with a tight budget. You did effectively gift borrowed money (regardless of the reason) and at the moment it is sensible to rein in expenditure and save. In the future make sure you are open with him. This could have been avoided had you spoken to him when your parents first approached him and had the discussion then. If you think he would not help in the future you need to build up savings of your own to help your family but ultimately they may need to change their lifestyle unless you think this was a one off. Either way you need to decide how much you are prepared to help and what for.