Revealed humiliating CC debt to my husband and can't remortgage

Willing2Learn

EssexHebridean said:

Treat yourself kindly, but do take a step or two to take back some control here, if you feel you can do so. You do have a right to be considered an equal partner. 

Just wanted to reiterate the above.

Building debt to support your parents is a noble action.  There is no reason to feel humiliated or shame.

A_Lert

There is no shame in borrowing. 12 grand isn't extraordinary.

As long as you're making at least minimum payments and ideally paying more, your debt isn't a problem. Of course it's still good to reduce interest and/or increase repayments if you can. MSE has plenty of practical advice there.

If your husband truly has no credit other than the mortgage, then in the eyes of most lenders that's bad! People who never borrow are unknown risks. Your own CCs, always repaid on time, are in some ways better to show you can be a responsible borrower.

kazwookie

On a joint salary of £80k per year, with the mortgage at £1300 approx per month, you jointly should be able to pay down the debt quickly.

Do a SOA, so you jointly can see where the money each month is going to.

Next you need to speak to your parents and tell them there is no more money, and help them to understand what it is each month they are doing with their money. Get them to join this site.

Katie875

Thanks so much everyone. Our mortgage broker got back to us to say the affordability checks were fine despite the debt and we can most likely get the mortgage he had in mind for us. You guys really helped put my mind at ease for a bit during the day, and I even managed to get some sleep at last after reading your comforting comments. 

My husband is still furious and wants all my cards and logins at this point, even though the remortgage looks like it'll be fine. He'll be helping me clear the debt in two of those cards (with the lower balance) and wait for me to pay him back when I can. I somehow wish I hadn't told him and dealt with this on my own after worrying about the mortgage so much, but at least now that he knows, I can go back to us having no secrets from each other. Thanks for your advice

IrishSean

GL Katie; as I posted earlier you should keep in contact with the forums and seek advice on your parent's situation to help prevent them running into difs in the future and not unwittingly rely on you (from what you've said those circumstances may not arise again, tho). The funny thing is like others Ive been reading these forums for years and in the past have made awful mistakes, so i'll echo what others said; be kind to yourself and in years to come it'll all just feel like a learning experience & an opportunity for growth  

Socajam

Katie875 said:

Thanks so much everyone. Our mortgage broker got back to us to say the affordability checks were fine despite the debt and we can most likely get the mortgage he had in mind for us. You guys really helped put my mind at ease for a bit during the day, and I even managed to get some sleep at last after reading your comforting comments. 

My husband is still furious and wants all my cards and logins at this point, even though the remortgage looks like it'll be fine. He'll be helping me clear the debt in two of those cards (with the lower balance) and wait for me to pay him back when I can. I somehow wish I hadn't told him and dealt with this on my own after worrying about the mortgage so much, but at least now that he knows, I can go back to us having no secrets from each other. Thanks for your advice

I am sorry, but I on your husband's side - debt is debt regardless of when it's paid back.
You should have spoken to him and even if he said no and you went ahead anyway, at least he was approached.
We are now in a situation with Corona virus with no one knowing what the hell is going to happen with employment etc.
If you husband loses his job tomorrow, will you be able to pay the mortgage yourself - which seems really high to me - plus your debt?
I agree with him that you should repay him, that will a lesson that you will not forget in a hurry.
I have lived with debt, working paying the mortgage, bills and travel to work.  I had enough money to only have one meal per day and not even a bag of sugar in the house - milk was a luxury.
I remember the bank charged me 50 pounds for a cheque that I wrote for 35 pounds - making the total 85 pounds.  I walked down the street crying because I knew that at the end of the month, I was going to be even in a bigger hole. This went on for a number of years until I found my way and made a promise to myself that debt was my enemy.
So yes, I understand perfectly where you husband is coming from.  Not everyone can live with debt and it's one of the worst kind of problems in relationships.
I agree with the others you need to speak to your parents, probably sit down and work out where their money is going, set up a budget with them with a few treats of course and just keep monitoring that they are keeping to it.  Don't forget that they need an emergency fund and a life happens fund - 20 pound a month is better than nothing.
If you feel that you might need to help your parents again, open an account and deposit 50 pounds in it - you can call it parent's help fund.
I wish you good luck with your money journey, just know that it gets easier over time.

-taff

Please can you explain how talking to someone  [ apprently in the same way their husband did] is going to help someone who is clearly struggling with a [relatively for them] small debt and the title of the thread should give you some clue to how they are feeling. She is well aware she should have spoken to him, telling her that again, it's not going to help is it? i'm wondering if your post is for you not for her and reading your history I can see you have a very definite stance where debt is concerned.

If you actually read her posts the money was to pay for treatment for her gran, so not spent willy nilly on frivolous things. Her parents knew exactly where her and their money was going.

OP, perhaps you might discuss money a bit more openly with yor husband so that you both know where you stand when you think about it and how you are to manage going forward. Treating you like a child is not going to help, you are both adults. It might also be worth talking to each other about how you both feel about your respective families. I think he's right in that you should have gone to him so now's the time to discuss what happens in a similar scenario down the line.

IrishSean

My worry is that the thread decends into a judgement on OP, her husband and his reaction. I feel OP's husband was understandably upset to discover a debt that had been concealed. However as others have said the context is everything; a sick relative. In short it was something that was done in, perhaps, the wrong way, for the right reasons. However I have concerns about anyone feeling infantilised by having their cards removed and prior control of finances or access to credit removed; this lurches towards control.

IMO the most important thing for any couple to do is to mutually agree a way forward, affirming transparency and mutual respect until the debt is resolved. Having been there (a hidden gambling debt discovered), the worst thing to hear or be made to feel is "you can't handle money". What's OK to hear is "You've made a mistake: tell me everything so we can resolve this". For me it felt like what i'd imagine infidelity would be like. It takes time to rebuild trust; but trust is a two way street. OP shouldn't feel under surveillance or 'run a gauntlet' of not knowing when this mistake will be dragged up and used against them. Thankfully this never happened to me; guilt does take time to recover from though.
That aside in this case the debt is relatively low, can be repaid without impact on day to day life (I surmise) and was accrued for honourably reasons. 
I hope OPs relationship improves in line with her finances: OPs spouse must remember; she cares. There are many more selfish and uncaring people out there.
Again, GL with sorting it all out😀

EimearF

Whilst I agree with others that keeping this from your husband was wrong there are a lot of alarm bells here.
You and your husband appear to be completely financially separate - spouses do not 'borrow money' form each other! Its joint money!
Your husband is right to be upset about you going behind his back and doing this for your Grandmother (you didnt really give your parents money your paid for you Grandmother's treatment). But the separation of lives into yours and his seems to be established in your relationship. You felt so cut off from your joint earnings that you borrowed at a high rate rather than access your savings accounts. 
The money isnt really the issue here its not a lot comparative to your salaries. The issue is that you have not joined your lives as Husband and Wife and this is playing out in money secrecy. You are now family and that includes each others families and you are now one financial unit, it might be worth seeing a relationship counselor to help you navigate this and bring it into your lives in a way that works for you.  

Mr87

IrishSean said:

My worry is that the thread decends into a judgement on OP, her husband and his reaction. I feel OP's husband was understandably upset to discover a debt that had been concealed. However as others have said the context is everything; a sick relative. In short it was something that was done in, perhaps, the wrong way, for the right reasons. However I have concerns about anyone feeling infantilised by having their cards removed and prior control of finances or access to credit removed; this lurches towards control.

IMO the most important thing for any couple to do is to mutually agree a way forward, affirming transparency and mutual respect until the debt is resolved. Having been there (a hidden gambling debt discovered), the worst thing to hear or be made to feel is "you can't handle money". What's OK to hear is "You've made a mistake: tell me everything so we can resolve this". For me it felt like what i'd imagine infidelity would be like. It takes time to rebuild trust; but trust is a two way street. OP shouldn't feel under surveillance or 'run a gauntlet' of not knowing when this mistake will be dragged up and used against them. Thankfully this never happened to me; guilt does take time to recover from though.
That aside in this case the debt is relatively low, can be repaid without impact on day to day life (I surmise) and was accrued for honourably reasons. 
I hope OPs relationship improves in line with her finances: OPs spouse must remember; she cares. There are many more selfish and uncaring people out there.
Again, GL with sorting it all out😀

If I could upvote this 10,000 times I would. The debt isn't an issue. You could have a look at talking to Relate on how to move forward from this and rebuild that trust. [Edit: just to say, I notice they have a webchat function which could work really well in scoping out next steps before going into a more 'formal' arrangement/discussion]