Revealed humiliating CC debt to my husband and can't remortgage

Katie875

Mr87 said:

Katie875 said:

My parents have offered to gradually repay me, but they're pensioners and make very little. They don't know that I borrowed to help. I've basically made a giant mess and everyone's disappointed in me.

I think you are being far too hard on yourself, personally. The sentiment was what mattered here. You made a mistake and have owed up to it. The disappointment should pass, so don't beat yourself up over it. 

I ask about your mortgage payment because on your joint income that level of debt is far from what I (again, personally speaking) would consider "highly problematic". It seems very likely that you could put your mind to clearing it over a very short period of time, you might not need to clear much of it at all to get a good mortgage deal, so I don't think you should dwell on it . Like I said : chalk it up to experience! 

Thank you, I really appreciate the kindness. I  obviously feel terrible and like I've let everyone down. I'm sure if my parents knew that I borrowed, they'd be mortified too. They're the type to always save and then buy, and never had any debts either.

Our mortgage is £1350 pcm.

Mr87

That mortgage + income with your CC debt is really not going to be a problem, unless there are some other large expenses that you have which you haven't outlined. You'd be amazed what you could achieve when you put your mind to it. This might be the impetus you need to put together a budget. Why don't you work through one with your husband, together? [Edit: a joint budget, not just for you] Pare back your expenses to see what you could get down to at a minimum - just for a month, and you might just be surprised at the end result. 

Katie875

Thank you. We don't really have any other large expenses - our biggest expenses on a monthly basis are food, gas and electricity and council tax. My husband was so furious he stayed up all night and made a strict budget for us, and also took away all my cards because I clearly can't be trusted. We'll see how that strict budgeting goes...

We shared all this with our mortgage broker but it's radio silence. I really hope my stupidity doesn't compromise our remortgaging opportunities. 

Mr87

Katie875 said:

Thank you. We don't really have any other large expenses - our biggest expenses on a monthly basis are food, gas and electricity and council tax. My husband was so furious he stayed up all night and made a strict budget for us, and also took away all my cards because I clearly can't be trusted. We'll see how that strict budgeting goes...

We shared all this with our mortgage broker but it's radio silence. I really hope my stupidity doesn't compromise our remortgaging opportunities. 

It won't (compromise your remortgaging opportunity). This is a temporary setback.

You might feel not having your cards because you "can't be trusted" is the right thing right now. But trust is built upon your own actions, not through control. That means you still being in control of your bank account (I hope), so you can demonstrate you stick to a budget without being forced to. 

IrishSean

Katie, your debt to gross annual income is around 15%; as others have said, that's unlikely to affect mortgage offers. Worst case scenario, with base rates at 0.1%, your lenders base rate might not be as expensive as you imagine.There are ppl on the MSE forum who have or have had unsecured debt to income ratios of 100% and more, and are now debt free. Now you've opened up to your husband why not let him read through these posts? They are all encouraging and supportive. As I read last night on someone's footer 'fall seven times, stand up eight' (Japanese proverb). No-one here can claim to have never made a financial mistake or kept a money related secret. You'll get through this NP.
Lastly what others have said about your parents situation is correct: its unsustainable. If they develop financial dependency on you, how would that ever end? Maybe consider posting a pen-picture (protecting their privacy of course) of their circumstances. Have they debts? Business concerns? Equity in their home (& potential to downsize)? Potential for pension draw-down? Lines of credit? If their situation improves, it would surely help your frame of mind too.
Take care; it will get sorted with the right help and advice

EssexHebridean

I'm personally disappointed in your husband for reacting as he has - what would he have done in a similar situation? Told his Mum that no, his Gran could go without her treatment? If so, then while you might have dug yourself into a bit of a hole here, without question you are still a far nicer person than he is! In truth, while borrowing to help out was not ideal, in that circumstance I think most of us might have done something similar. I do slightly wonder if your real reason for not telling your husband about it at the time though was that you feared that he would simply refuse point blank - leaving you with the most awful dilemma imagineable - I certainly have a clearer picture now of why you were uncomfortable sharing the situation with him. Hopefully he will prove me entirely wrong here and issue you with an apology for his knee jerk reactions. I use the word "jerk" deliberately there... 

On the remortgage thing - the first thing is to see what the broker says - and most likely that will be that everything is absolutely fine. At the moment though it is all guesswork, and frankly there is enough of that in the world right now without adding any more. 

On the cards thing by the way - I take it that these are cards where he is the account holder and you are a second named card carrier? Ie - these are his accounts, not yours? If not, then he has precisely zero right to "take them away from you" and far bigger alarm bells would be ringing in my head. 

Mr87

EssexHebridean said:

On the cards thing by the way - I take it that these are cards where he is the account holder and you are a second named card carrier? Ie - these are his accounts, not yours? If not, then he has precisely zero right to "take them away from you" and far bigger alarm bells would be ringing in my head. 

I agree. You absolutely must have the cards in your possession if they are yours. Even if you are committed to not using them any more.

Katie875

Thanks so much everyone. I admit I cried as I read these purely because it's such a relief to hear some kind words when you feel like such a failure.

These cards were all in my name. I always avoided credit cards because my parents raised me to think that they were too risky, but my husband encouraged me to get one to improve my credit score before we bought the house (my credit score was low because I didn't have any credit history, direct debits etc.). When he explained all this, he also warned me against not paying the full balance and how that can quickly spiral into debt, so he's upset because he feels I ignored him.

He wanted me to ask him for money when my mum asked me, rather than borrow. I didn't want to do that because I generally feel bad asking other people for help, and I didn't want to put that burden on him because of my family circumstances. I felt I should be solely responsible and hid it from him. I know I only have myself to blame and it's a huge breach of trust, especially since I've never kept anything from him. 

Thanks for the encouragement! I'll wait for our mortgage broker to see what he can do, if anything.

EssexHebridean

I'm going to make a suggestion - that you tell your husband that the two of you need to sit down and talk, and that first, he needs to listen to you, without judging.  Explain to him that the debt is under control, being paid, and that you have no concerns about clearing it. That you don;t believe that it will have a significant impact on the remortgage, but will of course wait for the broker's view on this. And that he needs to return your cards to you - as they are yours, and you are not a child to have things confiscated by him.  Personally I would also be asking him to pause and think for a while about his side in the situation, also - without apportioning blame.   In my world - OH's family are mine, and my family are his - and we would both want to help out either side if they needed it. 

Treat yourself kindly, but do take a step or two to take back some control here, if you feel you can do so. You do have a right to be considered an equal partner. 

Katie875

Well, he sat me down this morning and did the math and told me exactly how much interest I've paid so far, i.e. how much money I've thrown away, also putting it into context: this could've been a month's mortgage payment, etc. I thought I had it under control as well, since I never went over my limits, paid more than the minimum every month and slowly reduced the balance, but the interest adds up to quite a bit considering I've been carrying that debt for months... 

I'll make sure to continue reading on this forum to educate myself and manage my money better, after this remortgaging nightmare is over.

Thanks again everyone for your kind words