Revealed humiliating CC debt to my husband and can't remortgage

Katie875

Thanks, everyone.
To be honest, our finances are indeed rather separate and have always been: that's because my husband comes from a wealthy family, whereas I come from a typical working-class family. I got merit scholarships to afford university, both for my bachelors and masters, and I was the first person in my family to even go to university. I'm only saying this to explain that our starting points in life were different, and I didn't want to take advantage of his family's money or his. His family would never need financial assistance - they have more than enough in both savings and assets to last them a lifetime and more. My family might need financial assistance in the future - they're debt free and own their home, but can save very little with their small pensions. If it happens, I've learnt my lesson and I'll speak to him right away. 

Generally, we discuss about what we can afford together and then divide the cost equally - in some cases, he actually pays more, since I still make less than him. I'll have a proper conversation with him once he's calmer. More than anything, I think the concept of having any kind of debt was so alien to him that the cognitive dissonance made him angrier and more confused than he would've normally been.

I really appreciate everyone's comments

EimearF

I really think once he calms down about this going to an organisation like relate could really help you both get on the same page. 

I have done this and it’s made the word of difference. We are one solid unit now (family and financial) and we needed an outsider to help us work through the issues that were preventing that from happening before. 

snowbird20

EssexHebridean said:

I'm personally disappointed in your husband for reacting as he has - what would he have done in a similar situation? Told his Mum that no, his Gran could go without her treatment? If so, then while you might have dug yourself into a bit of a hole here, without question you are still a far nicer person than he is! 

I don't think that's being fair, tbh.  It's always a big problem when a spouse finds out your hiding things from them for whatever reason.  If she had just been honest with him, he may very well have said 'oh, yes!  We must help' but he didn't have the chance. OP did the right thing by coming clean to him and they have already figured out a way to fix it.   

EssexHebridean

snowbird20 said:

EssexHebridean said:

I'm personally disappointed in your husband for reacting as he has - what would he have done in a similar situation? Told his Mum that no, his Gran could go without her treatment? If so, then while you might have dug yourself into a bit of a hole here, without question you are still a far nicer person than he is! 

I don't think that's being fair, tbh.  It's always a big problem when a spouse finds out your hiding things from them for whatever reason.  If she had just been honest with him, he may very well have said 'oh, yes!  We must help' but he didn't have the chance. OP did the right thing by coming clean to him and they have already figured out a way to fix it.   

I've BEEN the party that found out that something was being hidden.  He apologised - was horrified about it, and had been feeling dreadful for ages about the situation. I was initially hugely upset - but that he'd not felt he could talk to me about it - NOT about the debt (which was a slightly lower amount than the OP here is talking about, but that was 20 years ago - so in  context, it was a FAR higher figure involved.) - we worked together to find a solution. He's said numerous times since that the one thing that didn't happen was I did not in any way make him feel worse about things than he already did - and this is why I'd have expected the reaction that I did from OP's OH, and why I said I was disappointed in his reaction.

EimearF said:

Whilst I agree with others that keeping this from your husband was wrong there are a lot of alarm bells here. 
You and your husband appear to be completely financially separate - spouses do not 'borrow money' form each other! Its joint money! 
Your husband is right to be upset about you going behind his back and doing this for your Grandmother (you didnt really give your parents money your paid for you Grandmother's treatment). But the separation of lives into yours and his seems to be established in your relationship. You felt so cut off from your joint earnings that you borrowed at a high rate rather than access your savings accounts. 
The money isnt really the issue here its not a lot comparative to your salaries. The issue is that you have not joined your lives as Husband and Wife and this is playing out in money secrecy. You are now family and that includes each others families and you are now one financial unit, it might be worth seeing a relationship counselor to help you navigate this and bring it into your lives in a way that works for you.  

Sorry - I have to take issue with the bits I have highlighted here. There are numerous different ways of managing money within a relationship - what works for one couple might not work for another. It is entirely up to a couple how they manage their money - we both have separate accounts  for example, my pay goes into mine, and I transfer my share to the joint account which takes care of all household spends, MrEH meanwhile gets paid into the joint account and transfers his personal spending money from there to his own account. We pool resources on some things - and deal with others separately - that works for us, has done for almost 20 years, and I certainly wouldn't be inclined to "fix" something that isn't broken, just because someone decides to be judgemental about our way in their view somehow suggesting that we're not committed as a couple! 

My bigger concern is that there seems to be a lot of financial control being exerted here - I understand OP's OH being upset  - but it is not an "expected" reaction to demand that she hands over her cards, try to demand her logins etc. That is unreasonable and controlling, and suggests one very good reason why she should absolutely NOT currently throw her financial lot entirely in with him, I'm afraid.  I do agree that some form of counselling could be helpful, but again that isn't for everyone - they do need to reach a level of financial equality though IMO.

OP - I am truly delighted to hear that the remortgage is not a problem after all, and hopefully it has given you a degree more confidence seeing the reactions of most on here to your reasons for borrowing. As for the interest paid - take that figure, and then think about the price of your Gran having a better end to her life. I imagine that like most of us, you'll consider it a price worth paying. 

Good luck sorting out your situation from here - and no, I don't just mean the debt! 



Finally (and deliberately separated from my paragraph directed at the OP)  I'm just going to leave the following information here for anyone else reading this thread who may feel that any part of what has been said rings uncomfortable bells with them: The Money Advice service have a useful page on financial abuse. Also, Womensaid.org.uk offer various different routes to support, advice and help. that is their website address I have typed there. 

EimearF

@EssexHebridean sorry I didn’t fully expand on my point. 

Myself and my husband retain seperate accounts. But all our money is joint in so far as it’s a pooled amount we each  get an equal pot for our selves to do what we want then bills are split up by whose account they come out of and the rest goes to debt payment or savings that are joint. 

I’m not being judgemental what I am saying is the OP is talking about their families as separate and about ‘his’ money - this shows a problem with merging their seperate lives into one joint unit - which is what a marriage is meant to be. That’s why I suggested finding a counsellor who can help them find a way that works for them. (When you pick out only certain lines it makes it easy to come to the wrong conclusion about what I was saying)

tommyedinburgh

Something similar happened to me back in 2007. Found out over the weekend, she was back at her parents' house by the Tuesday, house sold within 9 or 10 weeks and the DIY divorce applied for 2 years to the day of separation if I recall correctly.

I think I have been in her company 3 or 4 times since at funerals and weddings etc, she can probably confirm this as she still uses and contributes to this very web forum...

EssexHebridean

EimearF said:

@EssexHebridean sorry I didn’t fully expand on my point. 

Myself and my husband retain seperate accounts. But all our money is joint in so far as it’s a pooled amount we each  get an equal pot for our selves to do what we want then bills are split up by whose account they come out of and the rest goes to debt payment or savings that are joint. 

I’m not being judgemental what I am saying is the OP is talking about their families as separate and about ‘his’ money - this shows a problem with merging their seperate lives into one joint unit - which is what a marriage is meant to be. That’s why I suggested finding a counsellor who can help them find a way that works for them. (When you pick out only certain lines it makes it easy to come to the wrong conclusion about what I was saying)

Understood - although I didn't pick out certain lines other than in the bits I highlighted - I had read your full point, it still appeared to be saying that if they operated anything other than 100% all in one pot, that showed a lack of commitment - your explanation above clarifies things though! I do agree that some of the language being used around the situation under discussion here is worrying - although it is the references to "her family" as a separate entity that concerned me first, and the subsequent detail of him then demanding her cards that really set my alarm bells ringing. 

@tommyedinburgh -  not sure what the point you are trying to make is, but it doesn't seem to be a helpful or relevant one. I'm sorry that your marriage was not strong enough to work through your issues together, however. 

EimearF

tommyedinburgh said:

Something similar happened to me back in 2007. Found out over the weekend, she was back at her parents' house by the Tuesday, house sold within 9 or 10 weeks and the DIY divorce applied for 2 years to the day of separation if I recall correctly.

I think I have been in her company 3 or 4 times since at funerals and weddings etc, she can probably confirm this as she still uses and contributes to this very web forum...

Is this to show the OP that her husband could have taken it much worse? 

Reactions like this are a large part of why people keep secrets for so long and let the problem get worse. It’s ok to feel betrayed but jumping to divorce without even trying to work through the issues would definitely not be what most recommend as a first step! 

tommyedinburgh

EssexHebridean said:

EimearF said:

@EssexHebridean sorry I didn’t fully expand on my point. 

Myself and my husband retain seperate accounts. But all our money is joint in so far as it’s a pooled amount we each  get an equal pot for our selves to do what we want then bills are split up by whose account they come out of and the rest goes to debt payment or savings that are joint. 

I’m not being judgemental what I am saying is the OP is talking about their families as separate and about ‘his’ money - this shows a problem with merging their seperate lives into one joint unit - which is what a marriage is meant to be. That’s why I suggested finding a counsellor who can help them find a way that works for them. (When you pick out only certain lines it makes it easy to come to the wrong conclusion about what I was saying)

Understood - although I didn't pick out certain lines other than in the bits I highlighted - I had read your full point, it still appeared to be saying that if they operated anything other than 100% all in one pot, that showed a lack of commitment - your explanation above clarifies things though! I do agree that some of the language being used around the situation under discussion here is worrying - although it is the references to "her family" as a separate entity that concerned me first, and the subsequent detail of him then demanding her cards that really set my alarm bells ringing. 

@tommyedinburgh- not sure what the point you are trying to make is, but it doesn't seem to be a helpful or relevant one. I'm sorry that your marriage was not strong enough to work through your issues together, however. 

I'm going to be honest, I think the strength was having the courage to show her the door.
Without trust, a relationship is meaningless, certainly not a 'marriage'.

happyandcontented

tommyedinburgh said:

Something similar happened to me back in 2007. Found out over the weekend, she was back at her parents' house by the Tuesday, house sold within 9 or 10 weeks and the DIY divorce applied for 2 years to the day of separation if I recall correctly.

I think I have been in her company 3 or 4 times since at funerals and weddings etc, she can probably confirm this as she still uses and contributes to this very web forum...

Out of interest what was the bigger issue? The secrecy or the amount of debt?
Was this a symptom of deeper/previous issues given that you wasted no time in splitting up?
I am assuming that the money didn't go on something similar to what the OP spent it on? If it had would that have coloured your response?