Broody Boyfriend!

foreversomeday

Hi all,

I'm 19 and have been with my boyfriend for 10 months (Though we literally have had about 2 nights apart since getting together so it seems like a lot longer! We also knew each other before we started going out.) We're living together and it's going really well - we tend to be able to sort out arguments quickly and get our feelings into the open and so we don't have resentments building up. We're also sort-of engaged, but he hasn't got me a ring yet.

The "problem" is that although I've always wanted children, and we have discussed the possibility, OH seems to want to have them now! He's 5 years older than me (I'm 19, but feel about 23) and he keeps saying he's just the right age, and worrying he will be too old to have fun with his kids - he already has back and knee problems from playing sport when he was younger.

While it's wonderful to have his support and know that he wouldn't run a mile if I accidentally got pregnant, it's making it difficult that every time we make love, see a baby or pregnant woman on TV, etc, he looks at me with all puppy-dog eyes saying "Let's make a baby!" He even got all upset the other night when I took my pill. It doesn't really help that I'm broody too and quite a few of his and my friends and relatives seem to be having babies. When he asks me, I want to, but my head tells me it's a stupid idea - I've only been working full time for about 5 months and although I know I could make a decent amount of money designing websites from home, and having a family will always be more important to me than my job, just theoretically it doesn't make sense. We also have 10 months left on the lease of our flat, which is on the 3rd floor with no lift!

He's adamant that he'll look after me when I'm pregnant, do the 3am run to tesco for marmite and oranges or whatever, and that he can cope with not having sex for months on end (sorry if tmi!) and I can kind of see it but it just feels to me like he doesn't have a grip on reality.

The worst part is, I'm on the pill, but due to my own forgetfulness and rubbishness, I'm not 100% good at taking it. Sometimes I wonder if it's a subliminal thing - if I really wanted to not get pregnant, I would make sure I had it every day at the same time etc. I can't have the implant because of medical reasons, I'm allergic to condoms (and lube, meaning even non-latex condoms are unusable) and they won't put me on the coil because I haven't had children. There's no way OH will agree to abstinence!

I've read up a million times, so I know, poo, sleepless nights, putting on a million pounds of extra weight, what if the baby is disabled, morning sickness, constipation, labour HURTS!, it never ends even after they leave home, reduced sex life for ever, I've been on http://www.theshapeofamother.com/ and seen pictures of what really happens after you give birth - and told this all to him and it still hasn't put him off, and it's only made me want to wait a bit more than I did anyway (ie, 80% of me wants to wait now, not 60%)

I've suggested we wait until we're married (though being married itself doesn't bother me in the slightest - it's just a milestone/stalling thing) since it will probably take him a few months to get me a ring, then 18 months or so to plan and book everything, and by that time I'll be 21/22. I've asked him to stop mentioning it but he can't seem to help himself. I've suggested we borrow a baby for a weekend to see what it's "really" like but he thinks he'll only love his own. It's driving me crazy! Any advice, ladies, gentlemen?

keelykat

Hi, don't take this the wrong way but 10 months is nothing-it does seem far too early to be honest for having a baby. I know other people have had a baby early on and have stayed together etc, but theres a lot more out there that have broken up and sometimes things have got messy. And both of you are young, so theres plenty of time-so tell your OH to stop worrying about being too old etc if you wait!

Youve got the right idea by waiting untill youre married, not because i think you have to be married to have kids (def not!) but it gives you both time...

He needs to calm down, and really think about this properly. The idea of a cute baby may seem fantastic, but theres a lot more to it then that! Take a read through other peoples post on the secrets of pregnancy and childbirth that may not usually be talked about..its a real eye opener! ill try and get a link for you.... http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=251468

Not trying to put you off having a baby forever, just want you to take your time as it is a life changing experience.

Good luck, and all the best,

keely.

keelykat

just noticed you edited your post, lol.

I still think its too soon, even if he claims he can cope with it all.....

keely.

MKwife

Sorry I can't be of much help but my sister in law is in exactly the same situation as you! She has been with her boyfriend 10 months, live together and his is as broody as it gets! All she can do is reassure him she loves him and that she does want a baby with him but not right now.

Nothing you will say will change his mind or stop him being broody, but think you just have to reassure him you do want a family with him one day but not right now. It will give him something to look forward to in the future!

Sorry I am not much help but when I saw your thread I couldn't believe how similar your situation is to my SIL.

ailuro2

Get a pet and see how he is with that- I'm not joking- 10 months is too early for something as serious as a baby, but if you were to split up it's a lot easier to get someone to look after the pet while you work than it is to pay for childcare.

You're right- get settled in your job, get a better,more suitable house, get the wedding out the way, if that's what you really want. My DH was almost 30 when our DD was born, and swears he wouldn't have been mature enough for settling down any sooner. I have to say I agree- go out and get your partying done now, and you won't hanker after your youth when you're older.;)

belfastgirl23

I think it's a lot easier for men to be romantic about the idea of babies than for women. You've done all the research and know what you'd be taking on. I don't think he has got past the romantic notion yet. I think I'd insist on borrowing a baby for a while just to give him an idea.

BTW I think you know yourself best and if the thought of having babies terrifies you then it isn't the right time...

good luck

u2nick79

I think you sound like you have your head screwed on and know exactly what you will be in for when you have children.

There is no rush for things and it is good that you want to start/progress in your career to help you both financially when the time comes for a family.

I am almost 29 and just got married in the summer after being with hubby for 5 years, he is 8 years older than me. We both are desperate for children but for various reasons have decided to just wait a tad longer before trying.

Relationships are about enjoying each other before your lives have to be shared with your offspring.

kr15snw

About him being too old, surely you have someone you know you can point out that had kids older? My partner is 34 (35 in a week) and Im 20. We are both desperate for kids, but have agreed to wait until I have finished uni (next year) and got a few years in industry under my belt (about 4 years probably). Then we will have 2 full time wages from 4 years to save with and then have a great future.

He understood from day one of meeting me that he wouldnt be able to have kids straight away (I was applying to uni when we met). But he said as much as he wants a family, he wants me more. So is willing to wait until we are ready.

Maybe you could be honest with him and explain you dont want them yet. And as someone else said you gotta enjoy your relationships before you start sharing them with kids!

And if he wants to make a baby, tell him to enjoy practicing for now!

jarrod1

i enjoy practicing to make a baby

ceridwen

You've had good advice so far on this thread - seconded.

Re your thought re it could be subliminal stuff when you arent 100% careful on taking the Pill on time - too true! My thought - even before you said it.

No coil - because you havent had kids yet - excuse me! I had a friend who had a coil quite a few years ago no problem at all (other than the NHS "forgetting" to mention that its painful - so anaesthetic is necessary when inserting it!!!:eek: ) and she never had kids.!

You are too young - if he really cares for you he will wait until you are old enough.

"borrowing a baby" - very good idea!

Personally - I would be asking him if he would still stay with me if I proved unable to have a child - and the answer would have to be "yes" - to prove that it was ME he wanted - not a babymaking machine.

Edit - Just clicked the links. Only got as far as p.5 of the MSE thread - thank goodness I never wanted children - and I'd only heard a fraction of what got mentioned on that and it put me right off! <just going off to count my blessings - ie that I'm not maternal>

smileitconfusespeople_2

I think It's really is too soon to tell so early in your relationship, yes do lots of baby sitting and have loads of weekends away and holidays because you bring another little person in the world a very different to living together or even babysitting obvisiosly it sounds that it would be a major problem to you both I know it just seems so weired when its the Bloke whos broody my hubbies the same im 39 jan and hes just sprung on me he'd like a 3rd:eek: ......goodluck hun