I don't know if I'm expecting too much of my boyfriend

FlametoFire

I've been with my boyfriend for six months. I'm mid 20s and he's mid 30s. At the start I had a really good feeling about him and I felt really happy. I've been in a few long term relationships - never had any major issues or hang ups, they just weren't meant to be. I'm on good terms with all of my exes bar one, who was an abusive narcissist. Current BF's had one long term rel that was about 6 years ago. He's had flings in between. He's always been quite vocal about the fact that it's because he's so picky with women.

At work the general opinion is that he's outspoken/rude, but I don't think anyone thinks he's actually nasty. He's really likes debate and can be quite judgemental about other people. As an example, we once had a big disagreement because he said he thinks footballer's wives who appear in the media are scum of the earth. I said that's a pretty unfair thing to say about people he doesn't know, who're just going about their lives and might be perfectly nice people. He said it was weird I got so defensive of them. 

The biggest issue we have is that I think he says really insensitive and rude things to me, and then if I bring up that he's made me feel a certain way, he'll get defensive, try to put it back on me, or he will eventually apologise, but it'll take an hour to get one, or it'll be in the vein of 'Sorry if you thought I was being rude'. 

Last night we had a long disagreement - I'd just been given some really good feedback about my work along with a pay rise. I sent him the feedback I received and said 'Really happy, just got this nice feedback', which he didn't respond to. After an hour, I messaged him with something unrelated, which he replied to right away. He then made a crude comment that he wishes we were having sex right now. I replied saying 'Thanks for ignoring the positive feedback I got...' (it had been over an hour at this point) and he replied 'Jeez. I haven't had a chance to read it yet. It's not all about you '. At that point I was pretty angry and upset because I just wanted a few nice words and that was the best he could do. He later sent a follow up saying 'That is good feedback, well done. It's almost all entirely positive, and what isn't is minor things'. 

It took him a really long time to understand why I thought what he said was unsupportive and rude, and when I first brought it up, he said that he thought I was the rude one for expecting him to reply so quickly.

I've told him I need a few days to think about whether I want to continue the relationship because this isn't the first time I've felt dismissed. 

There have been other times when I've expressed that his comments have made me feel a certain way, and he'll respond with things like 'Jeez.' or 'Eesh.' and then be generally dismissive, until I really hammer home why I'm feeling that way. In his defence, I've brought up a few other things he did that made me uncomfortable, and he stopped/made a big effort after that. He's not the best communicator and when he's upset about something, I generally have to coax it out of him. 
 
A really big thing that plays on my mind is that he doesn't like my sister, who is my best friend. He thinks she's scatty and irresponsible, which she can be, but she's also the most kind hearted person, and the only person who's there for me through thick and thin. We had an argument a few weeks back because he asked me if 'She'd found a job yet', and when I said no, he said 'Jeez...' which I said sounded like he was being judgemental. It escalated because he said I was being weirdly defensive of her, and it ended with him saying that he doesn't like her because she 'chats a lot of !!!!!!'. At that point I snapped and told him to go F himself, which I'm really not proud of and not something I've ever done to anyone before. I apologised afterwards and felt genuinely bad. I told him I didn't expect him to like her, but I do expect him to respect me enough to not badmouth my best friend to my face. He's made other remarks about her which have been completely unnecessary.  My sister and her long term boyfriend used to live with her boyfriend's parents (she moved abroad to be with him), and her boyfriend and her decided to get a puppy with the parent's consent. When I sent my boyfriend a photo saying 'This is X & Y's new puppy - he's so cute!' his reply was 'And what does [sister's boyfriend's parents] think of him moving his girlfriend and a puppy into their family home?'.

There's been a few times when I've felt like he hasn't been there when I've needed him - I broke down in the middle of nowhere a few months ago and phoned him in tears, and he didn't offer any type of help (granted he doesn't have a car but we were only a 15 min taxi from each other), even knowing I'd be there for 5 hours on my own while I waited for the RAC with my car. I also don't feel like he's particularly concerned about my safety. I keep my horse in the middle of no where, and even if I tell him I'll text him at a certain hour once I'm done and consequently forget, or take a few hours longer than expected, he'll never send a quick text just to check I'm OK. I often feel like strangers and friends are more concerned for my safety than he is. I brought it up to him once in a jokey way, saying 'Just got home! Sorry I forget to text earlier, but good to know if I was lying in a ditch I shouldn't count on you to check I'm OK!' - to which he replied 'No worries. I figured if you were dead I wouldn't hear from you anyway'. He does say 'Drive safe' and things like that though, so I don't know whether IBU.

In most other ways he's very sweet and thoughtful - he buys me breakfast every day, he's very helpful when he comes to my house and will fix bits and bobs for me, he's great with my dog etc. He makes an effort for us to do things together, and he's very understanding of my time-consuming hobby. He's really generous with money and never makes me feel like I owe him for anything. Which is why I struggle to know if I'm being justified in thinking he's not supportive of me. 

I'd appreciate some thoughts. 

[Deleted User]

To be honest, it seems that after just 6 months, you both already can't tolerate each other ways.

If you've not yet entangled your finances and lives, it looks like it would be easiest to part amicably and go your separate ways.

KatrinaWaves

He sounds awful, and you are clearly not suited. The stuff in particular about your sister would be an absolute deal breaker for me,

Pollycat

OP
If I were you, I'd read through what you've written and think about what advice you'd give to a friend who was in this relationship.

hazyjo

tbh, I think he's just treating you as an adult and not as his child. You're both different types of people. You like communication and concern. He just sounds pretty chilled. The chances of you being hit by a bus or dragged off somewhere en route to wherever you were going is actually pretty unlikely.

I just think it's a case of 'adapt' or 'get out'. Sorry.

Of course I'd like my OH to be different in certain ways, nobody's perfect, but I love the positives. I had to tell him I was disappointed he wasn't planning on bothering to get me a Valentine's card, or that he's not bothered about doing anything nice for my 50th as I'm off work and we're out the next day anyway, I don't really get that. But then he does other things like cook nice things for me or clean my car. And he's very concerned about where I am and how I get home. I literally have to tell him that absolutely no, I will not be ringing when I'm leaving a restaurant or wherever and will ring him from the train to let him know what one I'm on. I used to ring and he'd always make me feel like I had to rush by saying things like 'OMG you're still not even on the train?' so I've stopped doing it now.

My OH doesn't like my nephew. I love him cos he's my nephew, but in all honesty he can be very snooty, opinionated and judgemental. I forgive him cos he's family and he has nice qualities too. My OH can be more honest as he's nothing to him - same way as your OH is with your sister. We all get very sensitive when it's family (usually cos we know they're right, but we want to defend them). If they did actually have a row (I know my OH has bitten his tongue on hundreds of occasions), it would be my OH I would be furious with. Probably wrongly, but family has this strange way of making you defensive. I find it rude when people insult my family (even when 100% true!) as it's not in my nature to do that to them about theirs.

He won't change, so it's up to you really how much you need to hear/feel the things that are lacking.

74jax

FlametoFire said:

I've been with my boyfriend for six months. I'm mid 20s and he's mid 30s. 
As an example, we once had a big disagreement because he said he thinks footballer's wives who appear in the media are scum of the earth. I said that's a pretty unfair thing to say about people he doesn't know, who're just going about their lives and might be perfectly nice people. He said it was weird I got so defensive of them. 
I'm not sure why this had to be a bid disagreement, could it not have just been a discussion?

Last night we had a long disagreement - I'd just been given some really good feedback about my work along with a pay rise. I sent him the feedback I received and said 'Really happy, just got this nice feedback', which he didn't respond to. After an hour, I messaged him with something unrelated, which he replied to right away. He then made a crude comment that he wishes we were having sex right now. I replied saying 'Thanks for ignoring the positive feedback I got...' (it had been over an hour at this point) and he replied 'Jeez. I haven't had a chance to read it yet. It's not all about you '. At that point I was pretty angry and upset because I just wanted a few nice words and that was the best he could do. He later sent a follow up saying 'That is good feedback, well done. It's almost all entirely positive, and what isn't is minor things'. 
I don't think an hour to reply is that bad.  Some people like s@xting, some don't.  If its the first time he's done it ask him not to do it again.

It took him a really long time to understand why I thought what he said was unsupportive and rude, and when I first brought it up, he said that he thought I was the rude one for expecting him to reply so quickly.
Like I said, I don't think an hour is that bad.

I've told him I need a few days to think about whether I want to continue the relationship because this isn't the first time I've felt dismissed. 
If I was him I'd just end it.  Its only been 6 months, if you need time to think if you want to continue, just call it a day now.

A really big thing that plays on my mind is that he doesn't like my sister, who is my best friend. He thinks she's scatty and irresponsible, which she can be.  He doesn't have to like her though.  I don't particularly like my husband's.

 We had an argument a few weeks back because he asked me if 'She'd found a job yet', and when I said no, he said 'Jeez...' which I said sounded like he was being judgemental. It escalated because he said I was being weirdly defensive of her, and it ended with him saying that he doesn't like her because she 'chats a lot of !!!!!!'. At that point I snapped and told him to go F himself, which I'm really not proud of and not something I've ever done to anyone before.it seems as though you both can't hold a discussion.  If he shows an interest then you take offence.  If you don't see eye to eye you go off and seem to sulk.  He seems chilled and you seem highly strung.

There's been a few times when I've felt like he hasn't been there when I've needed him - I broke down in the middle of nowhere a few months ago and phoned him in tears, and he didn't offer any type of help (granted he doesn't have a car but we were only a 15 min taxi from each other), even knowing I'd be there for 5 hours on my own Could you not have ordered a taxi if you were only 15 minutes away?  Why did you need him too?
I often feel like strangers and friends are more concerned for my safety than he is. I brought it up to him once in a jokey way, saying 'Just got home! Sorry I forget to text earlier, but good to know if I was lying in a ditch I shouldn't count on you to check I'm OK!' - to which he replied 'No worries. I figured if you were dead I wouldn't hear from you anyway'. He does say 'Drive safe' and things like that though, so I don't know whether IBU. My husband kite surfs.  We were on holiday in December and he went down in the sea a fair distance off the shore.  Someone came up to me and said 'did you know your husband has been down for a couple of minutes'  I replied 'well if it's been a couple of minutes not a lot we can do about it, I'm sure he'll be fine'...... and he was.  Some people are born worriers, some aren't.  It wouldn't cross my mind at all of car accidents etc if i didn't hear from someone.

In most other ways he's very sweet and thoughtful - he buys me breakfast every day, he's very helpful when he comes to my house and will fix bits and bobs for me, he's great with my dog etc. He makes an effort for us to do things together, and he's very understanding of my time-consuming hobby. He's really generous with money and never makes me feel like I owe him for anything. Which is why I struggle to know if I'm being justified in thinking he's not supportive of me. 

I'd appreciate some thoughts. 

I just think you are two different types of people.  He is clearly more chilled and not in it for the drama.
Its been 6 months.  You're in your 20s and say you've already had a couple of long term relationships.  Either enjoy the ride or get off.  
Neither of you is right, you just seem different people.

rawhammered

millennials!

onwards&upwards

He doesn’t sound very nice, and while I think you probably need to be a bit more independent/self sufficient that won’t make him any nicer and it won’t fix his rudeness and the issue with your sister. 

This ain’t the one, move along. 

Fireflyaway

The situation is obviously making you unhappy. I think it's good you have the confidence to question things because some people would just tolerate it or hope it changes, but after a while it's going to get you down. It sounds as though this is just his personality and he probably won't change, so do you want to be sniping at each other or getting upset about his comments forever? I'd say the sooner you break it off the easier it will be. Personally the email thing sounds a bit petty. You were obviously excited about your review and pay rise but expecting a reply within the hour is maybe a bit eager. I've been with my husband 17 years. You may have seen my post about him making comments about my weight! It's really got me down. He has mental health issues so fairly sure it's related to that. I mention this because repeated comments that upset you chip away at you. Don't get to the point where you lose your self confidence or avoid spending time with your friends or sister because it's easier to avoid the conflict. Leaving you with a broken down car on your own is really not on. I know if that happened to me my husband would jump in a cab and meet me. He might think I'm fat but he definitely cares about my safety ! You deserve someone who has your back. Life will have its ups and downs and he doesn't sound dependable. So to sum up, no I don't think you are expecting too much. 

Doodles

My advice would be to move on.
Red flag number one is others think he is rude.  The next is the fact he is dismissive of you.
You are already feeling uncomfortable so early on in this relationship.  You are not right for each other and I think you already know that deep down. 

Skiddaw1

I know it's becoming a bit ubiquitous, but could he possibly be on the spectrum somewhere? His behaviour does sound a little like high-functioning Aspergers.