Buffy takes it 6 months at a time

beanielou

Much love Buffster.
Tomorrow will be a better day  xxx

badmemory

Please don't give up on finding real love, I was 58!  Believe me it feels no different at 58 than it did at 16 when you thought you were in love, you still get the buzz of excitement.  I think the real bit is finding someone who accepts you with all the scars etc that you get as you get older & you can do that at 90, although most of us would rather not wait that long.  I should add that at 54 I had decided (after I dumped the last one) that men really were not worth it.  You just never know what is in your future.

Buffythedebtslayer

badmemory said:

Please don't give up on finding real love, I was 58!  Believe me it feels no different at 58 than it did at 16 when you thought you were in love, you still get the buzz of excitement.  I think the real bit is finding someone who accepts you with all the scars etc that you get as you get older & you can do that at 90, although most of us would rather not wait that long.  I should add that at 54 I had decided (after I dumped the last one) that men really were not worth it.  You just never know what is in your future.

I wish I could believe that. I understand it could happen but all I can see at the moment is me looking after Mum. It will be a year since I last saw d'head and recently with me being so depressed I have even thought of telling him to go. One of us should be happy and he could be. 
I am hoping that half term will be an actual break and allow me to finish the sorting. Then I will feel there is progress and a point. Some days I feel strong. Today isn't one of them. 

Four_Seasons

sending you love and lots of hugs xx

Buffythedebtslayer

NorthernSoulSouthernLife said:

Huge hugs Buffy🤗
you are dealing with so many big emotions in a time where there is so little chance to escape from them or enjoy life as you would usually choose to. This coupled with grief feels paralysing at times. 

I can empathise with the added sadness you feel around the unknown with your friends death,  it does seem to further complicate the grief journey. I was also sorry to read how her family handled your friends  personal belongings, that’s so very tough for those of you who really cared and valued her. 

I’m not sure an inquest would have given you the answers you search for, my husbands inquest left me with even more confusion & questions.  
 Do hope you find some (peaceful) time for yourself  over this weekend. 

Much love to you x x x

It does, as I am still not sure it wasn't deliberate on her part. In the end they ruled that it was pneumonia with complications. She had a terrible  fear of hospitals and doctors. But I find it impossible to know. there was a note. She had left everything tidy and taken pills. It is just such a terrible feeling. It feels like we - her friends were all stuck behind some big glass door yelling and screaming about what she wanted and how we loved her.  whilst the grown ups - her "family"  were on the other side just destroying any trace of her and being vaguely critical. It was awful. I can't explain adequately how powerless I was and the enormous guilt I feel for not being there that night she first didn't answer. Not that it would have mattered. She already gone. But she would have been identified and cremated and been with me from than not so much later.  
I am so sorry about your husband Northern soul. So so sorry. Sending love XX 

Buffythedebtslayer

beanielou said:

Much love Buffster.
Tomorrow will be a better day  xxx

Four_Seasons said:

sending you love and lots of hugs xx

It is going to snow tomorrow Beanie! but I did sneak out and buy Mum and I foot spa each - I know, but she won't use it unless I make a thing out of it. So tomorrow is clean out animals, hoover the house, go for a walk in the rain, cook a roast dinner and then have a foot spa
Thanks folks. XXXXXX hugs back XXX 

badmemory

Ooooh!  A foot spa.  I used to have one.  Not just nice but good for you especially if you have any ankle swelling issues.  A minor Ian Botham effect.  Very relaxing too.

juliejim

Hugs Buffy - hope today is a better day for you. Anniversaries are so hard - take care of yourself and give yourself some breathing space x

Sun_Addict

I’m sorry to hear you sounding so low, the anniversary won’t be helping. It sounds like you’ve been digging too deep to find negative things and that’s all you can think about. Try and focus on getting through one day at a time right now, don’t look too far ahead and stop overthinking, you’ll feel a lot better for it honestly. Big hugs 🤗 xx

Buffythedebtslayer

yeah, I have, I think the phone call from the doctor on Friday was a shock, mum has to be referred to a specialist but that could take months. So that means months of seeing her in this level of pain and it is truthfully awful.  I don't know how she will cope? 
I know lockdown is unlikely to end but I think we both feel even more trapped. 
Any how thought today was monday! so off to an early start.... (as in been up and done stuff already.) Now have  to hoover. 
Don't want to hoover. I hate the hoover. 
XX