Don't really know what to do

chesky

A couple of years ago, my youngest granddaughter told her mother that she thought she might be a lesbian. She was 15 at the time and had not had a boyfriend, but had lots of close girlfriends. The family were all quite surprised but all pretty laid back about it - no big deal if it were the case.

Just over two years on, and now just turned 18, she has a steady boyfriend (he's rather boring to be honest) and, amazingly, all talk of lesbianism has disappeared.

I'm not saying it's the same as your daughter, but teenage years are full of confusion of every kind and you sound as though you're dealing with it the best way possible.

Profligate

Adolescence is an exciting time but also often a confusing time for young people, as they try to work out where they fit and what makes them tick.

Young people will always push boundaries, explore identities – when I was growing up the pop stars of the day subverted gender stereotypes with men like David Bowie, Adam Ant, Boy George, Marilyn, wearing make- up and dresses, and women like Annie Lennox and Alison Moyet presenting a traditionally masculine or androgynous persona.

We seem to have gone backwards, in that gender roles seem to be quite constraining .
Lots of teenage girls particularly are currently reporting unhappiness with their developing bodies, and questioning their identity. A very small number may prefer to live as transpeople as adults, but the vast majority will reconcile with their sex and their bodies as they grow into young adult women, if gently supported to do so.

This whole issue- of how do we best care for children and young people who express bodily discomfort or gender dysphoria - is currently a very, very contentious one.

Some people think gender- confused children and young people need immediate and total affirmation –ie ‘if they say they are trans, they are trans’ and they must be unquestionably supported as being transgender, with access to puberty blocking medication, followed by cross sex hormones, and possible surgery such as mastectomies (‘top surgery’) .

Other people think that approach sets children on a pathway from which it is very difficult to return. Females prescribed testosterone, for example, will find their voices deepen and they’ll develop facial hair. Young people must be allowed to explore their identity (including factors such as eg. being autistic, being same-sex attracted, mental health issues and trauma) without it turning them into life-long medical patients. Ultimately, it is not possible to change sex.

There is currently a Crowdjustice fundraiser raising funds to challenge in court the medical treatment being given to children and young people by the NHS’s Gender Identity Development service. This fundraiser has been set up by a mum whose daughter is expressing gender –identity confusion, and by a clinician who used to work at GIDs. Both have major concerns about the treatment being given to young people with gender confusion.

You sound like a good dad, Penguin. I hope this post has given a snapshot of the arguments raging around this issue. Please read very widely as you support your daughter. And in the interest of balance, alongside the organisations mentioned upthread, may I suggest you take a look at Transgender Trend’s website, which promotes a cautious, ‘watchful waiting’ approach.
Good luck to you and your daughter (and apologies for the long post!)

ScarletBea

Penguin_ wrote: »

She was/is a bit of a tomboy, she doesn't wear much make up & is much comfier in a pair of jeans that skirts.

onwards&upwards wrote: »

You can do all those things and still be a woman.

Penguin, this is key.
Are all her female friends just into make-up and stuff? If so, she might have got the (wrong) idea that is what a woman has to look like and care about.
I'm very much like your daughter, in the sense that I never really identified with what society says a woman must be/look like (and this was a couple of decades ago, I feel it's much worse now) - however, I am simply a woman, proud to showcase the difference. I'm also gay, but I don't think that's relevant for the conversation.

Just let her know there are more female models than what she sees on TV and magazines. Good luck

Penguin_

Hey all quick update on what's been happening but firstly I would like to offer my heartfelt thanks to all of you who have read, replied & reassured me as I was really flapping a little while back & didn't know what to think or feel. But your kind words of reassurance & pointers helped to settle me down so thank you ever so much!!


SO a little update, nothing has really been said since, we have just kind of got on with life & she has been busy with exams. But we were driving home last night & she asked how was my love life & I replied in jest with a funny comment about a zombie having more life than my love life. She then said "well I have some news" & I said "go on"....


She then proceeded to tell me that as of the weekend she & her female friend I referred to in the original post were going out. I didn't make a deal of saying I knew something was going on, I just said "aw I'm happy for you & I am more happy that you feel comfortable telling me this. I'm so proud of you".


Safe to say I was very happy & proud last night of her. I did ask her if this was her way of letting me know she was gay & she said "No, I'm not sure but we're just seeing how things are going."


So yeah, that's where we are, I did tell her I think this is the wrong time to get a girlfriend & she asked why. I replied by saying "Well it's one extra present to buy at Christmas!!"

Artytarty

So glad this went seamlessly for you both.
I know it's been said before but what a stellar father you are.
P.s update much appreciated, so often posters never do it.

Skiddaw1

Oh Penguin, what a truly heart-warming post!


Well done you and I hope you, your daughter and her girlfriend have a splendid Christmas.

Penguin_

Thank you both, I had to update as I find it frustrating when I read a big thread & it just stops with no pick up or end.


I am as I say incredibly proud that she was able to have it in such an informal conversation with me, she did laugh when I said I'm most relieved that I won't have teenage pregnancy to worry about.

AndyPix

Hi OP, I just had to stop by and express my admiration for how you handled this ..


Im a single dad myself to a soon to be 9 year old girl and I would like to think I would handle this in exactly the same way that you did - kept things cool and level headed whilst being well outside of your comfort zone ..


A1 'Dadding' right there

Penguin_

Ah Thanks Andy, to be honest I've pretty much just followed my gut!

dreaming

Thanks for the update Penguin. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your daughter. I have just returned from taking my (transgender) daughter to the gender clinic. On the journey we discussed whether she will go opt for surgery in the future or just continue as she is - living and dressing as a female. I have often found that we have the most open conversations when driving. I think it is because it is less intense as most of the focus is on the driving (hopefully). Best wishes to you both.