Don't really know what to do

Penguin_

TBagpuss wrote: »

I think you handled it reasonably well, if it came out of the blue.

I would however flag up a few things:

- you say that you feel she is a bit young and that this is something you said to her.
I am not trans myself but have several friends who are, and they have all said that they knew pretty young - it is not a choice or a decision, it is part of who you are,. Beacause people are gradually becoming more aware of issues around gender identity, children and teens these days are much more likely to be able to idenify and give a name to how they feel than was the case even 5 or 10 years ago.

Puberty is a time when these issues can become much more pressing as the person's physical body changes the disconnect btween who they are and how they appear becomes greater, so it's much more stressful .

It would also be helpful for you and your child to talk to someone about their options - not all medical support is irreversible, for instnace if they were to take hormones then any changes can be reversed if they later come to feel that they are not male.

- regarding her friend, I am not sure whether you are concerned that they may be having sex, or simply that the use of a male name shows they have come out to their friend.

I think either way, theideal at this stage is to have a conversation with them about what they would like to do next, Ask whether they want to start using a differnt name and/or differnt pronouns, and follow their preference.

Ask whether they want you to speak to the shcool, and perhapsdo some research to see whether the school has any formal policies around trans or non-binary pupils.

Mermaids UK, https://www.transunite.co.uk and http://genderedintelligence.co.uk are all options for accessing more information and support

I think the key is to reassure them that you will support them - I also think it is OK to say that you were surprised and weren't sure how to respond, and make clear that youare open to listening and learning, and to supporting them as and when they want to tell others (includingtheir mother).

The fact that they were comfortable telling you shows that you already have their trust and you must be doing a lot right as a parent, so you have very solid foundations to build on.

Thank you for your reply, I'll be honest I have been pretty much winging it & the reason I think she is a little young is because we have had conversations about the future where she refers to her future self as a woman, so I am thinking she may well be a little confused about her body at the moment but I have reassured her that I will always be there to listen & help.

KiKi

You sound like an amazing dad. I have no experience of it, but I would carry on listening, ask her about it, and be aware that at 15 you often feel different, may be influenced by friends, talk at school, particular friends / boyfriends / girlfriends etc. It's probably worth contacting a transgender support organisation for advice on how to handle conversations as a parent, and just see what happens.

Penguin_

Thank you Kiki for your very kind words & also to everyone else who has read & commented, you have all helped calm me down slightly. I'm hoping to have a little chat tonight to see if there is anything in terms of a relationship with this girl.

onwards&upwards

Penguin_ wrote: »

She was/is a bit of a tomboy, she doesn't wear much make up & is much comfier in a pair of jeans that skirts. I'm not a very judgy person normally but I am very aware that anything I do say could be viewed as judgmental.

You can do all those things and still be a woman.

I’d tell her that you’re always there when she wants to talk, that you love her just the same if she is a lesbian woman, a bisexual woman, a boy/man or if she isn’t sure yet and just needs time. I’d want to make sure she knows being a gay woman is totally fine with you.

Penguin_

onwards&upwards wrote: »

You can do all those things and still be a woman.

I’d tell her that you’re always there when she wants to talk, that you love her just the same if she is a lesbian woman, a bisexual woman, a boy/man or if she isn’t sure yet and just needs time. I’d want to make sure she knows being a gay woman is totally fine with you.

She is very much aware that I don't care what sex, or both, she is attracted to. All I ever want for her is to be happy & not have to hide who she really is.

Slinky

Regarding the male name, I notice you said the evening activity she and her friend do is Army cadets. I'm guessing there are more males then females taking part? Could this name just be a nickname she has acquired there in some form of jokey manner?

Penguin_

Slinky wrote: »

Regarding the male name, I notice you said the evening activity she and her friend do is Army cadets. I'm guessing there are more males then females taking part? Could this name just be a nickname she has acquired there in some form of jokey manner?

It possibly could be, I have no way of knowing though I would have thought they refer to each other by surname but I may be wrong.


I did broach the subject of the girls who shes spent a lot of time with & has slept over & she said that there wasn't anything there. I said something along the lines of 'Ok, I just thought I'd ask as I know from when I have started to be in a relationship with someone you tend to mention them to people a lot & you've been mentioning X a lot. I also said that I don't care if she finds men, women or both attractive & I don't care who she is attracted to'. She said they were just friends but she smiled & said she loves me lots.

hb2

Penguin_ wrote: »

... but she smiled & said she loves me lots.

No wonder, you are clearly doing a great job as a parent! I have a Godson whose partner is trans, as are a few of their friends, and I know that some find it incredibly hard to broach the subject with their parents I would say to keep the channels of communication open and point your teenager in the direction of advice/support networks. There are changes that can be made at this stage if desired and are easily reversible if necessary - things like clothing, hair and nicknames will come and go throughout anyone's life. Knowing that they always have your support and love will be priceless.

unholyangel

I'd talk about it more with her to try help her establish whether she is transgender or whether its something else she has mistaken for transgender.

Such as perhaps just not being a feminine girl while being bisexual or a lesbian. Your daughter might be influenced by other people, such as that girl calling her by a males name and your daughter liking the girl in question. Or your daughter may have genuinely thought this through and asked the girl to call her that and then tested your reaction to it by making it seem more casual than it was.

Its a confusing time for her and it's not like it comes with an instruction manual for you! You don't need to have all the answers. Just support her going through and remind her she has plenty of time to figure it out.

Talk to her about it. Ask questions. Those types of conversations can be awkward for both parties to start with as neither really knows what they're doing but it gets easier the more you do it till eventually, it just becomes natural.

I might be wrong (you know your daughter best), but there's a possibility your daughter built up the courage to tell you and then viewed your response as you trivialising those feelings. I mention this as its a common complaint of teens about parents in general and it was a common theme in coming out stories of those I've heard. That it's just a phase. It is for some people. But if its not.....

Good luck in whatever you decide. Its nice to see parents being supportive of their kids with these things. Those stories I've heard, not all parents were and it always cuts deeper when its their parents.

standyby

You sound like you're doing a great job handling this so far Penguin, and I say that as a transguy myself, albeit one who didn't figure things out till much later in life than your child.

Maybe they're male, maybe they're non-binary, or maybe they're just going through a period of trying to figure themselves out and will realise they're happy as a girl. What's important right now is your unconditional love and support, they're lucky to have you as a dad.

Puberty is a common time for gender dysphoria to kick in and 15 really isn't too young to understand who you are, sometimes that realisation can be immediate, or it can take years to come to terms with. There's nothing wrong with not knowing right away and trying out names with a supportive friend is one safe way of exploring. Also sometimes denial can push you in the opposite direction for a while, so maybe they'll balance that exploration with wearing more jewelery or dresses or whatever, I wouldn't read too much into it. For me, the realisation was like opening a pandora's box, terrifying but no way of going back and, while I took it slow, doing nothing would have been way more harmful to my mental health than the steady baby steps towards where I needed to be.

On a practical level, any transition at your childs age is purely social, so name, clothes, haircut etc. If they were to decide to medically transition in the future, which I realise is way further ahead than you're currently thinking, be aware that there's currently at least a 2 year wait for first assessment at any of the (adult, 18+) NHS gender clinics, with probably another year after that for hormones to actually be prescribed. (The 2 year living in role thing that a previous poster mentioned is thankfully no longer the case.) I'm not sure of the waiting time for the young persons clinic but believe it's also a year or two. My point being, it's never too early to consider getting that referral, better to think while waiting than not get on the list till you're sure.

One additional thing you could do for the time being is to try avoid using gendered terms around them, I know how uncomfortable it made me hearing myself refered to as 'she' or 'her' while I was still getting my head around everything, before being ready to commit.

You're doing good, try not to worry too much about it all, whatever happens your child will know you love them and that you'll be there for them.