Don't really know what to do

pmlindyloo

Penguin_ wrote: »

Ah I'm not sure about that, I think I just try & handle things level headedly & be calm on the outside but flapping about like crazy inside!!

Just wondering if you have a Gingerbread group near you?

Not sure if this is your kind of thing but may be useful to have people to chat to:

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Penguin_

MandM90 wrote: »

If she hasn't felt great for a couple of months, is counselling something you could arrange (through school/NHS or privately)? It could be that your daughter is transgender, but it could be that she feels being someone else will solve her unhappiness/problems and gender seems like a means to that.

If she's last year of school is she 17/18? It might be worth revisiting the safe sex talk - though pregnancy may not be such a worry right now she still needs to be being sensible.

Also, want to echo the above and say I think you're handling everything marvellously.

It may well be worth talking to someone, however this aside she has been her normal self in terms of who is (usually) is. Shes been hitting A's in her exams etc & gaining promotion at her evening activity (army cadets). She is currently 15, won't be 16 until next year & although we've discussed safe sex I guess it is never wrong to re-visit.

Penguin_

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Just wondering if you have a Gingerbread group near you?

Not sure if this is your kind of thing but may be useful to have people to chat to:

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Thank you for that, sadly the closest one is over an hour away but may be worth looking at.

dreaming

I don't think you have handled this badly at all. I am speaking as the mother of a transgender "child" (now in late 30's) but who only came out in the last 5 years after a long period of mental health problems and drug-taking. Having now turned her life around re the drugs, and being able to cope more easily with the MH issues, she has been able to explain to me that she always felt different to her friends. As a child she (then he) was very quiet but it was always attributed to shyness. They certainly played with traditional boy's toys - being particularly keen on cars and lego and didn't play with dolls or prams etc. To be honest it is a bit of a myth that you could tell what gender a child is by how they prefer to play so whether you daughter is a tomboy or not, or likes make-up or not, is no indicator. All you can go on is what the person is telling you, and if your daughter is saying she feels she may be trans. then you should at least take on board that it is how she feels. Although I agree that at 15 it is quite normal to feel "different" and she may just be exploring different ideas about her own identity. However it is certainly not too young to have her ideas respected. To that end I think you have done very well to listen to her without judgement, and to have left the door open for further conversations. To be honest I would not say much about her spooning the other girl (many girls these days are very touch feely and affectionate), nor the male nickname you overheard. I would though have "casual" chats about how certain actions can be misconstrued by others. This could be part of any discussion about internet safety etc. but it is important to remember that at her age it is normal to be experimenting and finding out about herself, and it is important to respect her privacy as long as you try to equip her with the knowledge to keep herself safe - both physically and mentally.
I do understand what people mean about transgender being "fashionable" as it is more openly discussed these days but if you speak to a number of people who have transitioned (or who merely live as their preferred gender without undergoing surgery) then many will tell you how unhappy they were growing up in the wrong body. I wish my daughter had felt able to talk to me much earlier but it wasn't openly discussed 20-odd years ago.
I think there are organisations that will help parents understand the issues. It was different for me as my child was an adult when it came to light and she had already done her own research, but I felt it was helpful to read as much as I could to try to understand. It isn't the easiest thing to come to terms with I admit - I did go through a period of grieving for the loss of "my son" and it took a while to get used to using a different name - but it's certainly not the hardest thing either. My daughter is still exactly the same loveable, infuriating, funny person she always was, and is now settled in a relationship.
You seem to be a very caring person and as long as you keep the communication going then that's the best you can do for your daughter. Best of luck to both of you.

sheramber

My daughter transgendered to be male.

From the toddler stage she always said she wanted to be a boy. When her brother was born she declared it was not fair as she wanted be a bot but he got to be one.

She played with boys toys- no dolls, prams etc. Wore trousers, cut up dresses so she couldn't wear them.

At that time transgender was not publicised. She thought she was gay and became a member of Stonewall.
When she was 18 there was programme on tv about transgender and her eyes were opened.

She consulted our GP who referred her for assessing, which was requirement then. She had to 'live' as a male for 2 years before anything could be done She was immediately assessed as having gender dysphoria and transgendered to be male.

It is not an easy path to follow but he is now happily married with an adopted son.

Do some internet research. There are sites such as the Beaumont Society with information.

https://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/partners-and-families.html

The more information you have the better you can help her.

It may be just a confusing period in her life or it may be a real need.

Penguin_

Thank you both, as it is early stages of this I am mindful of what I am saying when we are talking about it. I don't think it is a set in stone thing because she sent me a link to some jewellery that she would like for Christmas & they were womens. Whilst that might not mean anything it was something that did make me think that there may be real confusion in terms of what's going on in her body at present.


I will certainly have a look on the link provided, thank you again.



Thank you all for helping to calm me down & that I have handled things in a way seen as acceptable, especially because I overthink everything.

pmlindyloo

Re reading your first post I am wondering about the phrase you used when you said she didn't 'feel happy with her body'.

Did your daughter elaborate about this?

Am wondering if this is anything to do with her not developing as fast as her peers.

Sorry, might be a tricky situation for you but would you say she is developing normally?

Despite your saying that she has a good group of friends girls can often be really !!!!!y and if she is, say, rather flat chested, then perhaps there has been a little bullying going on which has knocked her confidence and made her examine her 'sexuality'.

May be 'way off the mark' so apologies in advance!

Penguin_

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Re reading your first post I am wondering about the phrase you used when you said she didn't 'feel happy with her body'.

Did your daughter elaborate about this?

Am wondering if this is anything to do with her not developing as fast as her peers.

Sorry, might be a tricky situation for you but would you say she is developing normally?

Despite your saying that she has a good group of friends girls can often be really !!!!!y and if she is, say, rather flat chested, then perhaps there has been a little bullying going on which has knocked her confidence and made her examine her 'sexuality'.

May be 'way off the mark' so apologies in advance!

She isn't as developed as some of her friends & that thought did cross my mind as I remember what girls were like at that age when I grew up (back in the day!). That could very well be a possible cause of the insecurity.

TBagpuss

I think you handled it reasonably well, if it came out of the blue.

I would however flag up a few things:

- you say that you feel she is a bit young and that this is something you said to her.
I am not trans myself but have several friends who are, and they have all said that they knew pretty young - it is not a choice or a decision, it is part of who you are,. Beacause people are gradually becoming more aware of issues around gender identity, children and teens these days are much more likely to be able to idenify and give a name to how they feel than was the case even 5 or 10 years ago.

Puberty is a time when these issues can become much more pressing as the person's physical body changes the disconnect btween who they are and how they appear becomes greater, so it's much more stressful .

It would also be helpful for you and your child to talk to someone about their options - not all medical support is irreversible, for instnace if they were to take hormones then any changes can be reversed if they later come to feel that they are not male.

- regarding her friend, I am not sure whether you are concerned that they may be having sex, or simply that the use of a male name shows they have come out to their friend.

I think either way, theideal at this stage is to have a conversation with them about what they would like to do next, Ask whether they want to start using a differnt name and/or differnt pronouns, and follow their preference.

Ask whether they want you to speak to the shcool, and perhapsdo some research to see whether the school has any formal policies around trans or non-binary pupils.

Mermaids UK, https://www.transunite.co.uk and http://genderedintelligence.co.uk are all options for accessing more information and support

I think the key is to reassure them that you will support them - I also think it is OK to say that you were surprised and weren't sure how to respond, and make clear that youare open to listening and learning, and to supporting them as and when they want to tell others (includingtheir mother).

The fact that they were comfortable telling you shows that you already have their trust and you must be doing a lot right as a parent, so you have very solid foundations to build on.

Skiddaw1

You sound like the Dad From Heaven to me Penguin. I think all you need to do is to carry on doing exactly what you've been doing. Your daughter is a lucky girl and I bet she knows it.