Don't really know what to do

Penguin_

So 6 years ago my daughter (then 9) came to live with me full time after her Mum chose her new partner over her. Not going to go into it all but the long & short is she has lived with me very happily ever since & she visits her Mum every other weekend.


A couple of months ago, I could tell something was on my daughters mind as like me it is very easy to tell & when I asked her she denied anything was wrong. Knowing how much she is like me, & unlikely to speak if continually pressed, I changed the subject & waited for her to open up. She isn't outgoing & again like me finds new situations stressful & hates being the centre of attention. She has always had a good circle of friends, some of who are very vocal in supporting LGBT both in school & through their social media posts which I applaude & have no issue with.



The next day she said that she thinks she is transgender & hasn't felt great for a couple of months. I was taken aback by this & asked why she thought this. She replied she didn't feel happy with her body & said she thinks she identifies as a boy. Obviously I didn't have time to digest this so was very much on the hop added to the fact that I don't have a significant other to support with things. I tried to remain calm & I said that I was really happy she felt she could talk to me about this but I think she is a bit young to be feeling this way or making decisions such as this, especially as she has just started her final year in school. I then went onto suggest that whilst she shouldn't suppress any such feeling or thoughts, it may be better to wait a couple of years before making any form of decision on this as she may just be finding things out about her body. I asked what had made her feel this & she said she wasn't sure. I asked whether she was attracted to men or women & she said kind of both.


Fast forward a couple of weeks & she asked if she could stay at a (female) friends house, who doesn't go to the same school but they know each other through a shared activity they do in the evenings & I had no problem so said yes. A week or so later she asked if that friend could stay over & I said yes. I stuck my head around the door in the morning (after knocking & waiting to see if I could come in) & they were lying very closely with my daughter being the proverbial big spoon (both in their pjs).



Last night, hence the reason for this post, she asked me if I could give her friend a lift to an evening event & obviously I didn't mind but when her friend got into the car, she called my daughter by a males name. I made out I wasn't paying attention & haven't mentioned it but I really don't know what to do or where to go next?


Speaking to my ex wife is a no go because they have hardly any relationship between them & I don't really feel comfortable speaking to any of my close friends about this, so here I am.... what advice do you have for me? I am genuinely lost as to where to go next, I didn't sleep well as my mind was on overdrive last night. I know I have probably handled the situation horrifically & no doubt that will be pointed out but at the end of the day I am a single Dad to a teenage daughter & so far we have never had any problems or fallings out, other that when she leaves a million mugs in her bedroom!!

gabriel1980

Transgender is all the rage these days, but I think you're right in that she's too young to think about changing gender. She maybe does feel more like a boy. Was she a tomboy growing up? I think it could be the influence of this other female friend who is putting ideas in her head. Provide her with some sensible information about changing genders and don't be judgemental when talking to her.

Comms69

Sounds like you handled it fairly delicately. I suggest that you contact her teacher and ask for a meeting to discuss this.


Do you have any siblings that are close to you / daughter?


As you said she's going through lots of changes and it can be a confusing time. She may well be transgender, but as you correctly (in my opinion anyway) point out aged 15 is not generally mature enough to know. It seems she's exploring her identity and sexuality at the moment, you should support her in this - obviously whilst still having your dad hat on.

Penguin_

gabriel1980 wrote: »

Transgender is all the rage these days, but I think you're right in that she's too young to think about changing gender. She maybe does feel more like a boy. Was she a tomboy growing up? I think it could be the influence of this other female friend who is putting ideas in her head. Provide her with some sensible information about changing genders and don't be judgemental when talking to her.

She was/is a bit of a tomboy, she doesn't wear much make up & is much comfier in a pair of jeans that skirts. I'm not a very judgy person normally but I am very aware that anything I do say could be viewed as judgmental.

Penguin_

Comms69 wrote: »

Sounds like you handled it fairly delicately. I suggest that you contact her teacher and ask for a meeting to discuss this.


Do you have any siblings that are close to you / daughter?


As you said she's going through lots of changes and it can be a confusing time. She may well be transgender, but as you correctly (in my opinion anyway) point out aged 15 is not generally mature enough to know. It seems she's exploring her identity and sexuality at the moment, you should support her in this - obviously whilst still having your dad hat on.

I am an only child sadly, so I don't have that type of network for support. There are times our relationship is genuinely like friends over parent/child at times & I don't want this to change. The other thing I'm very much aware of is that I want her to continue to talk to me about this, so whilst I may or may not agree with it, I have to put my personal thoughts to one side. I'm relieved that you think I have handled it correctly or at least in the same way you would have, so thank you.

pmlindyloo

Comms69 wrote: »

Sounds like you handled it fairly delicately. I suggest that you contact her teacher and ask for a meeting to discuss this.


Do you have any siblings that are close to you / daughter?


As you said she's going through lots of changes and it can be a confusing time. She may well be transgender, but as you correctly (in my opinion anyway) point out aged 15 is not generally mature enough to know. It seems she's exploring her identity and sexuality at the moment, you should support her in this - obviously whilst still having your dad hat on.

I disagree about contacting her teacher at this stage. I hate to say this but this may well escalate something that may well just be normal 'growing up'.

Personally I think you have handled this very well. The most important thing is to keep lines of communication open (which you obviously have done) and show her that you will always love her.

The other thing I would say is to do some research yourself. But try not to get too 'neurotic' about it (hope you understand what I mean!)

I also think that if things progress with this girlfriend then you may need to have a chat with your daughter about 'boundaries'.

For example, would you allow a boyfriend to sleep with your daughter in your home at her age? (I am presuming she is 15 years old)

I am sure you will manage the situation well - you sound like a very good dad.

As previous posters have said, she may be going through the normal teenage stage where she is questioning her sexuality.

Penguin_

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I disagree about contacting her teacher at this stage. I hate to say this but this may well escalate something that may well just be normal 'growing up'.

Personally I think you have handled this very well. The most important thing is to keep lines of communication open (which you obviously have done) and show her that you will always love her.

The other thing I would say is to do some research yourself. But try not to get too 'neurotic' about it (hope you understand what I mean!)

I also think that if things progress with this girlfriend then you may need to have a chat with your daughter about 'boundaries'.

For example, would you allow a boyfriend to sleep with your daughter in your home at her age? (I am presuming she is 15 years old)

I am sure you will manage the situation well - you sound like a very good dad.

As previous posters have said, she may be going through the normal teenage stage where she is questioning her sexuality.

To be honest, she could love cows for all I care, what is important to me is that she is happy. Yeah you're right regarding the chat re this girl, I don't know for sure that anything has or will happened in a physical sense but I've noticed that her name has been mentioned in terms of conversations & who she has been on the phone to. Definitely a delicate chat needed there.

Comms69

pmlindyloo wrote: »

I disagree about contacting her teacher at this stage. I hate to say this but this may well escalate something that may well just be normal 'growing up'.

Personally I think you have handled this very well. The most important thing is to keep lines of communication open (which you obviously have done) and show her that you will always love her.

The other thing I would say is to do some research yourself. But try not to get too 'neurotic' about it (hope you understand what I mean!)

I also think that if things progress with this girlfriend then you may need to have a chat with your daughter about 'boundaries'.

For example, would you allow a boyfriend to sleep with your daughter in your home at her age? (I am presuming she is 15 years old)

I am sure you will manage the situation well - you sound like a very good dad.

As previous posters have said, she may be going through the normal teenage stage where she is questioning her sexuality.

I'm reconsidering my advice to contact teacher too.


It's a delicate one. A good teacher can be a godsend, can share their thoughts on daughters social circle, place in the class etc.


But there are some who, like you say, could escalate these issues as part of any inclusion policy. - that could be fine, but it could be too much too soon.


So i'll agree with you, that actually contacting the teacher at this stage may be too early.

spadoosh

Cant comment to give advice but wanted to say i think youve achieved legendary level in parenting. You seem to have handled that like a boss.

Penguin_

spadoosh wrote: »

Cant comment to give advice but wanted to say i think youve achieved legendary level in parenting. You seem to have handled that like a boss.

Ah I'm not sure about that, I think I just try & handle things level headedly & be calm on the outside but flapping about like crazy inside!!

MandM90

If she hasn't felt great for a couple of months, is counselling something you could arrange (through school/NHS or privately)? It could be that your daughter is transgender, but it could be that she feels being someone else will solve her unhappiness/problems and gender seems like a means to that.

If she's last year of school is she 17/18? It might be worth revisiting the safe sex talk - though pregnancy may not be such a worry right now she still needs to be being sensible.

Also, want to echo the above and say I think you're handling everything marvellously.