Mother in law taking photos of inside my house

RebekahR

lincroft1710 wrote: »

Did you mean this or weed?

BOTH!!! :rotfl:

RebekahR

borkid wrote: »

Just looked at the photos, what's the problem there is space on the floor to walk. It's your home your rules.

I've just cluttered them up now ... Brought a load of stuff home from nans flat to sort though ... lol

RebekahR

hollydays wrote: »

You could have been talking about my Mother here .
I've had a lot of the same behaviour.
She believed she was always right, and once when I said to her " that's just your opinion", she nearly dropped through the floor as no one else had ever said that to her before.

If you scratch a little below the surface, you may find out there's a reason for her behaviour..

However, I suspect you are heading for marriage guidance councilling.

It's a two edged sword.
When my kids were babies, and my husband worked away a lot, she'd clean the house from top to bottom, while undermining my confidence.

I was thankful for the help, but the final cost was too great.
But, you need to learn to manage her, I suspect she's very lonely.
She should expect clean , freshbedding and a clean dust free room .When I have a guest to stay , I'd put a bottle of water and a glass in her room, a magazine, a few toiletries.Clean towels, I'd make sure the bathroom was spotless.

Why not give your partner the responsibility to do this..
It sounds as though your two families come from very different social classes

She should be so lucky! She gets a pull out bed from under my daughters bed and gets to share with a 7 year old! The bed room is small so not much space to put anything. She does need to go to a b&b really. Although my 7 year old is her favourite and she makes that well known and is very happy to tell my 4 year old she isn't friends with her anymore when my 4 year old upsets her. And she says she doesn't want to talk to her any more! Yes that is her to my 4 year old! Not the other way round :eek: You could be right on the loneliness front tbh. Her family are in a different country, her husband died a couple of years back and we are 4 hours away. She has lots of friends and is always out but like has been said no one knows whats going on deep inside a person. She is from lower working/farming class. I'm from council estate/lower class and FIL was middle class. Hubby brought up as middle class. She tries to act and dress well though. In her country the women do everything and the men do nothing. They cook, clean, choose the mens clothing etc etc. I feel sorry for the men who are nothing and can't even individualise themselves with their clothing. It sounds like from her though that the men rule. That isn't what happens in our house though ... We used to work on an equal but since easter he's stopped doing stuff. I think she spoke to him and told him to let me do more as he "does everything". When I was putting the kids to bed he used to do dishwasher, tidy table, sweep the floor and tidy up the toys.

RebekahR

hollydays wrote: »

Bizarre and that makes no sense.
No, I wasn't talking about my marriage ( he's now deceased btw) I made no reference to my husband.
I was talking that the mother in laws behaviour isn't commonplace, might have been 30 or 40 years ago .

So, I can only think they come from families with vastly different expectations.
No need to fly the pc flag.
I don't know any women nowadays who believe that the men need to be pandered to and the women need to do all the work.

This is bang on and exactly what we tell her. Times have changed. We try and take things equal. She likes to boast how she did all the hosueowrk before 730 when leaving to take hubby to nursery and work full time and still manage ot keep a perfect house?! I suspect her memories of well over 35 years ago are some what warped however!

RebekahR

Kim_kim wrote: »

Why would you write lists for her? She’s not your cleaner. You are partly to blame for mixed messages if you are encouraging her in this way.

I don't any more. I only tried ita few times and it made no difference so it was soon scrapped. It was hubbys idea. He said try writing a list so she knows what needs doing and what we would like her to do if she wants to help as she keeps on about wanting to help.

RebekahR

Kim_kim wrote: »

I’m really curious as to what you mean by this?
Is the OP a “lower” class because she’s not houseproud?
Or is the MIL a “lower” class because she doesn’t respect boundaries?

Heck i'm happy to admit that I am lower class and that it is of no shame of mine that I was not taught how to keep a house. I had no idea at all of how to clean things, order, declutter etc. I come from a home where stuff was piled up the walls badly :eek: Both parents still live like this to this day! We have boxes on the landing like this but only of kids stuff, old toys etc but they are in the progress of going out as there is a NCT sale next month. I am literally learning on the job and thankfully there is google so I can search and learn from it. If I was brought up properly I would have a much clearer idea of what to do. There is also a big element of the house is really small. Our living area for example is only about 5 metres long by about 3 1/2 wide. We have barely any wall space for putting up shelves/cupboards storage places etc. We have a garage that is built into the house and we use as storage including garden stuff. The long term plan is to turn this into another room extension of the living room but we were waiting until youngest starts school (just has) to start on this. It's all jsut still a work in progress with little kids. So much to do - So little time.

Kim_kim

RebekahR wrote: »

Heck i'm happy to admit that I am lower class and that it is of no shame of mine that I was not taught how to keep a house. I had no idea at all of how to clean things, order, declutter etc. I come from a home where stuff was piled up the walls badly :eek: Both parents still live like this to this day! We have boxes on the landing like this but only of kids stuff, old toys etc but they are in the progress of going out as there is a NCT sale next month. I am literally learning on the job and thankfully there is google so I can search and learn from it. If I was brought up properly I would have a much clearer idea of what to do. There is also a big element of the house is really small. Our living area for example is only about 5 metres long by about 3 1/2 wide. We have barely any wall space for putting up shelves/cupboards storage places etc. We have a garage that is built into the house and we use as storage including garden stuff. The long term plan is to turn this into another room extension of the living room but we were waiting until youngest starts school (just has) to start on this. It's all jsut still a work in progress with little kids. So much to do - So little time.

I don’t think housekeeping standards are linked to class. But I did wonder what the poster meant.

I am pretty tidy, I have relaxed a fair bit as I’ve aged. I’m just normal now, I was a bit OCD.
I’m very working class.
But I don’t do most of my cleaning I have a cleaner as I work hard and can afford it.

onwards&upwards

RebekahR wrote: »

Although my 7 year old is her favourite and she makes that well known and is very happy to tell my 4 year old she isn't friends with her anymore when my 4 year old upsets her. And she says she doesn't want to talk to her any more! Yes that is her to my 4 year old! Not the other way round :eek:

This is much more serious than the rest, this is completely unacceptable and if she carries on I wouldn’t let her near your children. The harm she could do with this behaviour is much worse than the risk from a bit of clutter! You have to protect them from it.

Pollycat

RebekahR wrote: »

He is used to it from how he was brought up and is more than happy to let her do stuff. He on occassion might empty a few bins and throw the hoover around on a weekend. But not regularly. The mess upsets him too tbh however smallest has just started school so declutter is under way. And will resume once nans flat etc is sorted. All parents know these early years are so damn hard. Oh she certainly has OCD. Seriously generic mess gets her all worked up and panicked. Even a speck of dust or fluff on a hoovered floor and she will have to get down and pick it up. In her family line the women did everything and the place was kept spotless and the men were looked after. So for her it's how she was brought up. But I honestly can't relax when she's around it's all so panicky. In all honesty I feel for her that she cant see and relax and just ignore a pile of something on a table etc. Must be horrible living like that. Her own husband (died a couple of years back) was kept under hte thumb by her and she did hte same to him. Throw his things away, tell him he had too much stuff, choose his clothing and meals daily etc. Hubby keeps out of stuff because he jsut doesnt see it as a big deal. To him its normal. As for taking the children there that is nothing short of pure hell ... As babies they were fed by her (even when they could do it themselves as toddlers) she sat with kitchen roll in her and the slightest mess on their face, hands or the tray was wiped immediately, they are only allowed out 1 toy at a time tto play with, if they go in her immaculate garden in bare feet in summer shes sat by the door with a bucket of water and a towel to wash their feet before they go in and this year when we went up she locked the door so they didn't sneak in and they weren't allowed to go in for a wee. She said they were going in too much and told my youngest to go and wee behind the garage! When hubby went in for something I told the kids to come with me and we went up stairs and I played jigsaw with them and kept them in. It was so damn horrible to be locked out. Yes it's her house and we need to respect her wishes but to go to the lengths of locking visitors out is ridiculous! Yes your right about kids can run riot. It's worse tbh because she won't allow them sufficient toys out ot play with and entertain them so of course they are soon bored. She still has baby toys and expects a 4 & 7 year old to play with them. We took up more age appropriate stuff and she went mad that we were taking more clutter up :eek:

Then you need to explain to him that - to you - it is a big deal.
It's a very big deal.
Stop putting up with it.
You really do sound like a second class citizen in your household.

rach_k

I would insist on a B&B if that's the way she treats the children. It's not on that she talks to your youngest like that.

Get your oldest on board; at 7 she's old enough to understand that grandma may play favourites but it's not okay and she's to help her sibling feel loved when Grandma is round. I'd also say that from now on, grandma will be staying in a nice hotel because she's old and needs a proper bedroom when she visits. Make it into something fun maybe - you could all go for breakfast at the hotel one day (my kids love hotel breakfasts!). Then just tell MIL what's going to happen. I'd go with 'this house is too small and you find it too stressful being amongst normal family mess so I have booked you into...' (not 'I will book', make it a done deal!).