Aspergers/ASD support thread

Happy_Girl_2

I am approaching 40 years of age, and a few days ago I was made aware that I have mild Aspergers

Since then, my partner and i have been reading lots on the subject, and last night watched the film Adam which is about a guy with As who meets a NT girl. They stayed very true to the AS way of seeing the world, and I would highly recommend the film to anyone who shares their life with an Aspie

In my relationships including my current one, I have encountered many problems which mainly centre around communication. They have been so severe that my marriage split up, and my current relationship was in danger of falling apart as he would get extremely frustrated with me, and I would be utterly confused as to why he was upset, believing him to have some kind of anger issue, as in my perception he causes argument after argument!

We are now both reading the book "Aspergers in Love" and it has totally changed our relationship overnight. If anyone on this thread is either Aspie or in a relationship with an aspie, I can't recommend it enough! We have both learned so much from this book, and most of it now seems so simple to me, but it has never occured to me previously!

I can't answer the questions about how to deal with As children very well, as I had no awareness of my issues when i was a kid. I agree with the poster who said their Aspies believe they are being patronising when they praise good behaviour, but I would suggest you don't stop doing that as it does go in, and we do remember, even if we appear uncomfortable with it at the time

The one thing about discipline I have learned from the book is that you have to highlight the problem at the time it occurs. The NT way is to wait until a more appropriate time to discuss the problem but that doesn't work for us as we are then utterly confused and can't really remember what we did wrong and why it was wrong

The adult couple have devised a non verbal signal which is given at the exact moment the Aspie does something unacceptable. This may work for kids but I honestly don't know from which age of child it would work with as I do niot have kids of my own

I have a tendency to get quite loud when I am excited, and my best friend will discreetly give me a "calm down hand signal" I react to that straightaway as I recognise it means I need to lower my volume, but if she told me a few hours later I was being too loud, it would have no relevance to me

I really do feel so very grateful I can now be more open about my struggles with the world at large, as their is a reason for it. I also appreciate the chance to effectively start my relationships again now i can understand them better and they can understand me

SingleSue

Funny you say about the calm down signal.....I use my hands to give a signal that they are being too loud, another one to chill if they are getting a little stressed etc.

sock-knitter

happy girl, who did you see to get a diagnosis. my relationships seem to fail due to communicatin problems, and i have a tendency to be loud when excited, and friends or ex partner at the times, have had to tell me to calm down. i'm 39 years of age
sk

mousytrap

At last I feel like I belong here...

We put our son on the waiting list for assessment 2 years ago and finally got seen last November... Then they decided they were fence sitting and needed an in-school observation which took another 4 months to arrange (apparently because they needed to schedule someone he hadn't met yet which was tricky... )

When the day came, we heard from his teacher that he'd had a pretty good day :mad: and the guy was only there for an hour or so. Yesterday we finally had another diagnosis meeting to get the results...

They said the chap didn't notice any signs of AS so they were still fence sitting and unable to give a diagnosis. We went on to explain about how he'd recently (since then) been excluded again, and described the circumstances leading up to that and a couple of other incidences. Also advised there had been 6-7 violent incidents towards staff altogether since he started at that school, several of which had been recently. We said that we felt the school seemed to be in an "overly optimistic" phase prior to that.

Suddenly the wind changed and the diagnosis was given. I had no idea just how close to the line things were, but I guess he must have had a VERY good day at school that day if they didn't find enough to swing it...

They've recommended a high school for him that is mainstream but has an AS unit attached. Apparently most of the teachers are fairly well clued up on handling the AS pupils. Not something we have to worry about for a couple of years as he's only year 3, but useful to know...

So, that's the NHS sorted, now to get a statement...

...and find out what's causing our other son's moderate developmental delays... Ho hum...

mousy

starnight_2

Glad you got somewhere mousytrap.

I'm still waiting, I know they're fence sitting as I've read all the reports (I asked to be cc'd into most of them due to not kknowing what was going on). We now have an appointment to see Child and Family team after the psychologist recommended it. sometimes good days sometimes not, 2 nights ago it took me to 1am to get him to sleep, ended up taking day off school and work.

Hopefully the upcoming appointment will give me more info/help, I was wondering if anyone here had seen child and family? I'm not even sure if it's a social worker/paediatrician/psychologist we are seeing but know the appointment will be another hour and a half assessment one. My mother is coming with me this time in case I forget anything, which I usually do, I'll also feel more comfortable with her there as I know they ask about my history and my mother can help me answer that too.

Fridge2

Myself, I had a very difficult childhood and indeed early adulthood due mainly to the fact that I was an undiagnosed Aspie.
Nobody really knew about these things then, so everyone else just thought that I was "odd" or "weird" (including my parents) and I was left to deal with it entireely myself.

This was not easy at all, as first I had to deal with the frightening truth that I was "different" from those around me in many fundamental ways.

It was a scary time for me, as it was like being on another planet where the aliens had different cultural mores and norms to me completely.I lost count of the amount of times that a situation would be akward , or I would be ridiculed or indeed beaten up.......I just didn't know how to behave.

However, gradually over time, I began to see a pattern developing. I realised that if I watched people and matched their reactions to a given situation, if I was careful i could select the " correct" response or behaviour which would allow me to "fit in." - I still didn't understand why I had to react in that particular way, but it made my life a bit easier.....

It got gradually easier, but it is an enormous strain being on guard all the time, and when I was in my early twenties I ended up being hospitalised briefly with severe depression, which was resolved again by me rationalising it.

Essentially this has been going on for forty two years. My internal "database" has grown to such an extent that I can pretty much pass for "normal "now. ( I do occassionally screw up when tired or not "filtering" what I say) I still don't understand people fully and there are many things I can't relate to, but I can function and indeed I now have a wife, good job and nice house...all the "trappings" so to speak.

The only downside is that it can be exhausting keeping your guard up all the time and continually watching what you say to the "aliens":D

I had a very bad car crash about ten years ago and received head injuries which neccessitated evaluation by a Psychologist. It was her who picked up the Aspergers then, and though I was really beyond what they could do to help me, it certainly assissted me in making sense of things.

I sometimes feel angry that there was no one around to help me with this when I really needed it. it would have made the world of difference if there had been others who understood and it may have saved me a lot of pain and difficulty in life, but you can't be bitter forever....you sometimes just have to move on.

saying that, it is a struggle, and I do sometimes feel worn out having to continually be on guard all the time...I really wish there had been resources like this back in nthe day.it would have helped tremendously.

seven-day-weekend

Fridge, my son who is 30 had no help either, because Aspergers' Syndrome wasn't recognised as a condition until about 1997 (the year he was leaving school).

Like you he has learned 'coping strategies; also like you he gets it wrong sometimes.

I wish he could have had the help at school, instead of just being classified as 'lazy', 'irritating', 'immature', 'spaced-out' - all these things. We knew he had problems that other kids didn't have, but just all coped with them as best we could, I spent many of his school days in tears. He was bullied at Junior school but was OK on the whole in Secondary School (from being bullied I mean, he still underachieved enormously), because there it was acceptable for him to sit in a corner with a book at lunchtime and acceptable not to want to play football 'like all the other boys'.

We all realised (including him) that he was on the spectrum about five years ago. Since then it has made things much easierr to understand.

Glad to say he has a lovely steady girlfriend (diagnosed with Aspergers' Syndrome) and some lovely friends, all in their own way as 'odd' as he is, they all help each other out.

There was no help for you, or for him, but I'm glad to say there is now for children in schools, that is a huge step in the right direction and hopefully these children and their families will not just have to struggle on on their own like we did.

Wishing you well. xxx

(ETA: Just to add my son has chosen not to be formally diagnosed, he does not see the point, but does accept that he has this condition. When he realised this he said 'thank goodness for that, I thought there was something wrong with me'.

Happy_Girl_2

sock-knitter wrote: »

happy girl, who did you see to get a diagnosis. my relationships seem to fail due to communicatin problems, and i have a tendency to be loud when excited, and friends or ex partner at the times, have had to tell me to calm down. i'm 39 years of age
sk

I haven't been formally diagnosed. I don't feel the additional strain of getting a GP referral and going through all the assessments would be worth it

I realised I might be an Aspie, and then went away and read a couple of books and lots of internet resources on the syndrome. I am now 100% convinced I am an Aspie. The best book was called Aspergersin Love and it has helped show my OH and I how we both have to make very small changes to the way we communicate in order that our relationship meets both our needs. I highly recommend it

From 5 minutes of meeting my OH, I realised there was something 'not quite right' about him too. In doing all the Aspie research, I have realised he is Dyspraxic, which is further complicating our relationship as he cannot retain information very well. I'm now trying to understand how his brain works in order that we can both properly understand each other. There are times when I think this is all too much hard work for an Aspie who likes a quite and peaceful life lol. It's being made more difficult as he is in denial and has excuses for every trait I identify in him. Oh well!

Gingham_Ribbon

Happy Girl, I can recomment 'Caged in Chaos' by Victoria Biggs. She was 16 when she wrote it, as a gifted teen with dyspraxia. Her description of her battles with this condition is both funny and extremely enlightening. She also gives sensible tips that are worth trying.

As a dyspraxic, I have never read anything that so exactly describes my own experience. It's helped my mum and husband understand why I'm the way I am and it's helped me help our son, who is probably dyspraxic too. (We're waiting for more help for him.)

I've been in a panic all morning because I forgot some urgent paperwork and have had to jump through all sorts of hoops as a result. If I'd remembered to put it in the diary, remembered where I put the paperwork or just asked for help, none of it would have happened.

seven-day-weekend

My son also has traits of Dyspraxia as well as AS. He has problems with orgnising and sequencing and is always getting lost as he can't find his way anywhere unless he has been there many times before. (If it's somewhere he HAS to be, he now will ask directions BEFORE he gets lost, this may mean that he has to ask them every time there is a road junction as he can't remember all the directions at once).

The last couple of years he's realised that he needs much longer to get ready for work than most people do, so he allows himself that time and is virtually never late now.

It's a matter of learning to cope with the conditions really, and that takes time.