Aspergers/ASD support thread

MyUserNamesTaken

Phil, I'd say it's more likely for an Aspie woman to marry than an Aspie man. It's easier for a woman to hide her Aspieness than for her male counterpart. NT males are less likely to be so bothered about the quirks in a female Aspie's behaviour, whereas an NT female will have a hard time coping with an Aspie male. Many Aspies end up with other Aspies.

studentphil

MyUserNamesTaken wrote: »

Phil, I'd say it's more likely for an Aspie woman to marry than an Aspie man. It's easier for a woman to hide her Aspieness than for her male counterpart. NT males are less likely to be so bothered about the quirks in a female Aspie's behaviour, whereas an NT female will have a hard time coping with an Aspie male. Many Aspies end up with other Aspies.

I just can't see how a couple where both don't do eye contact or are weak at chit chat and so on could ever get friendly.

Savvy_Sue

But you're generalising! SOME aspies don't do eye contact, but some otherwise 'normal' people are happy without it too. I do less and less because I'm lipreading more and more ... And if blind people marry, why not people who don't do eye contact?

And if neither of you does chit chat, you're away! As long as you're equally willing to listen to your partner's enthusiasm as to talk about your own. Of course if you SHARE an enthusiasm, who needs anyone else!

Plus people can learn to be sociable. DH was pretty unspeakable as a teenager (I knew him then), but he's excellent company now. Mind you, he doesn't always know when to stop arguing: he really enjoys hearing what other people think, and really really wants them to tell him where he's wrong, but they have to be logical in what they say otherwise he'll pick holes in it. It's really hard to convince him to change his mind ...

PasturesNew

MyUserNamesTaken wrote: »

NT males are less likely to be so bothered about the quirks in a female Aspie's behaviour, whereas an NT female will have a hard time coping with an Aspie male. Many Aspies end up with other Aspies.

I lost Mr Wonderful because of the way I was. I was nervous and anxious around him and he wanted me to chill out. Thing is, he was unreliable so because I started each date not knowing if I'd actually see him, by the time he turned up I had aspie-nerves, will-he-cancel-nerves AND first-dates-nerves. I've only found this out recently after I found out about Aspergers and I spoke to him. He said at the time he knew there was something about me and he couldn't quite put a name to it, he'd even done some research himself to see if he could pin down what was so odd. But then obviously decided that was effort and just decided it was too much effort.

The thing is, with him I actually felt a connection where I could let down all defences and actually relax in his company. Just when it finished. We weren't together long and it was all a bit uncertain as he was unreliable. But I got the impression if I hadn't been "like I was" as he used to call it, things'd have stood a longer-term chance than they did.

I doubt I'll find another.

PasturesNew

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I'm lipreading more and more ...

I do this, I don't know why you do it, but I have always had trouble hearing people and processing their words, so I watch their lips and tie up what I hear with what I see to help the processing of the words.

It takes a lot for me to listen to people. I am really rubbish at it.

Now you're making me wonder if that is an aspie thing or just me. I can't put all my oddities down to being aspie. I have to find out what's me and what's it.

I also have great trouble hearing people in busy places as I can't separate out what they're saying from the surrounding noises. I find myself just smiling/nodding as if I am listening. I've always hated explaining to people that I can't hear them that well, but it's not really a deafness. It's like I really have to concentrate on the one sound of their voice and shut out everything else.

sarah1975uk

Well the old saying is oposites attract Hope your all ok today xx Got the meeting with the school tomorrow, so wondering how that will go, had a really bad day with the boys today so feeling pretty crappy at the moment

studentphil

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

But you're generalising! SOME aspies don't do eye contact, but some otherwise 'normal' people are happy without it too. I do less and less because I'm lipreading more and more ... And if blind people marry, why not people who don't do eye contact?

And if neither of you does chit chat, you're away! As long as you're equally willing to listen to your partner's enthusiasm as to talk about your own. Of course if you SHARE an enthusiasm, who needs anyone else!

Plus people can learn to be sociable. DH was pretty unspeakable as a teenager (I knew him then), but he's excellent company now. Mind you, he doesn't always know when to stop arguing: he really enjoys hearing what other people think, and really really wants them to tell him where he's wrong, but they have to be logical in what they say otherwise he'll pick holes in it. It's really hard to convince him to change his mind ...

Maybe it changes as you grow older but I am certain that being smooth in talking and action and being confident in body language (which eye contact is a big part of) helps with romance.

Maybe you are right that if your partner is rubbish at chit chat and eye contact then it really doesn't matter as long as you can find other things in common and a respect for each other's abilities ( like yourself and your husband's debating skills), then maybe it can all work out good.

Savvy_Sue

PN, I had my ears tested at school because for a couple of years I could not hear a word which was said in the dining hall - made things very difficult because I was at boarding school, so two meals a day there and one of the main chances to socialise. (we had one meal in our houses, so smaller, less noisy.) At that stage I had excellent hearing, but I just couldn't 'tune in'.

Now I am losing my hearing in one ear, and going to lipreading classes because there's a family history of going deaf, and I think I'd better make the most of it while I've got it!

and as for Mr Wonderful, OK so if you hadn't been like you were, things might have lasted, but equally if he hadn't been like HE was, things might have lasted. Plenty of us non-Aspies (I don't think I'm one!) don't like unreliability in a boy/girlfriend.

And I'd say his loss as much as yours!

And will I be shot down in flames if I say that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be? don't get me wrong, I love DH and wouldn't be without him, but we sometimes tend to think that if only we could find the right person, all our troubles would be solved. And they're not. We just have a pile of different troubles, because we're still the same person.

DH firmly believes (and there's no point me arguing with him) that you shouldn't marry unless you're quite happy being single. You can't make another person happy until you can be happy with yourself, and you can't expect another person to make you happy until you're happy with yourself. [Phil you might want to take note of that bit ...]

Pop psychology over, DH will be most UNhappy if I don't leave the computer now ...

studentphil

But having known what AS lads are like generally, I just don't see how these confident trendy women would have any time for them- so I am not so sure on opposites attract.

sarah1975uk

studentphil wrote: »

But having known what AS lads are like generally, I just don't see how these confident trendy women would have any time for them- so I am not so sure on opposites attract.

Its not always about confident trendy women, relationships have a spark and work for many reasons. Personally yes id love a sexy young rich handsome fit fella but reality is that majority of these types of people are so far up their own !!!!!! and arrogant that not worth my time or efforts. Attraction to another person where its a lasting happy relationship works for different reasons and everyone in life has their own qualities and reasons for falling in love for. Im married and love my DH to bits we have our bad times and good times but i wouldnt swap him mmmmm lol Seriously though life is tough for everyone at times and we deserve that special someone to share it all with...... Hope you get what i mean and havent come accross wrong lol xx