Do I help partner out of debt?

Terry_Towelling

OK, I'll play along with you. You already know the answer, or you wouldn't have needed to ask.

Chunkeemonkey

Thanks guys for replies, it’s made me realise I’m making the right decision by sticking by my guns. I just felt like I was being a !!!!!. My partner hasn’t asked for me to pay his debts off he just gets irrate when I offer advice or solutions ie budgeting so I feel like I’m expected to bail him out. Thanks for the reassurance

colsten

what if he moves out after you have settled his debts?

Chunkeemonkey

Yeah that was one thing that worried me

Kentish_Dave

I’m going to go against the grain here.

Is this someone who you expect to be your life partner, someone you plan to grow old with, or just a casual fling? I can’t imagine moving the latter in with you and your children, so will assume the former.

I’d give my wife my kidney if she needed it. In fact I’d give her both of them if it would save her life. To love someone enough to want to spend a lifetime together means being willing to make real sacrifices. As your children will likely never, ever need to money I’d look at everything as being family assets and family debts.

I wonder now, though, if I’m being naive about what stage in a relationship people now move partners in...

Terry_Towelling

Kentish_Dave wrote: »

I’m going to go against the grain here.

Is this someone who you expect to be your life partner, someone you plan to grow old with, or just a casual fling? I can’t imagine moving the latter in with you and your children, so will assume the former.

I’d give my wife my kidney if she needed it. In fact I’d give her both of them if it would save her life. To love someone enough to want to spend a lifetime together means being willing to make real sacrifices. As your children will likely never, ever need to money I’d look at everything as being family assets and family debts.

I wonder now, though, if I’m being naive about what stage in a relationship people now move partners in...

You're not really going against the grain. I'd give my wife (who has advanced dementia) anything (and everything if it would actually help) but to move someone in and 'feel' uncomfortable by the way they react to your 'debt counselling' when such counselling falls short of saying, 'oh yes, of course I'll give you money' is something quite different. To feel you have to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet and to be worried about the probability of the partner moving out once 'paid off', speaks volumes and really hints at unsuitability.

Chunkeemonkey, do you know how his debts came about?

colsten

Chunkeemonkey wrote: »

....... I have some savings that I’ve put aside for my kids in case anything should happen to me. ....

That seems a very reasonable thing to do. As an aside, do you have a will?

Kentish_Dave wrote: »

As your children will likely never, ever need to money I’d look at everything as being family assets and family debts.

Clearly none of us would wish anything bad on the OP but it seems silly to say that her very sensible sounding provision for her kids would unlikely to ever be needed - - and that therefore she might as well use the money towards her partner's debts.

Thrugelmir

Chunkeemonkey wrote: »

My partner hasn’t asked for me to pay his debts off he just gets irrate when I offer advice or solutions ie budgeting so I feel like I’m expected to bail him out.

Could be embarrassment on his part. Be matter of fact non judgemental.

Kim_kim

Kentish_Dave wrote: »

I’m going to go against the grain here.

Is this someone who you expect to be your life partner, someone you plan to grow old with, or just a casual fling? I can’t imagine moving the latter in with you and your children, so will assume the former.

I’d give my wife my kidney if she needed it. In fact I’d give her both of them if it would save her life. To love someone enough to want to spend a lifetime together means being willing to make real sacrifices. As your children will likely never, ever need to money I’d look at everything as being family assets and family debts.

I wonder now, though, if I’m being naive about what stage in a relationship people now move partners in...

Terry_Towelling wrote: »

You're not really going against the grain. I'd give my wife (who has advanced dementia) anything (and everything if it would actually help) but to move someone in and 'feel' uncomfortable by the way they react to your 'debt counselling' when such counselling falls short of saying, 'oh yes, of course I'll give you money' is something quite different. To feel you have to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet and to be worried about the probability of the partner moving out once 'paid off', speaks volumes and really hints at unsuitability.

Chunkeemonkey, do you know how his debts came about?

That’s a bit different before you have Children and then you have them together.
When you already have kids and then start a relationship you primarily are responsible for your children, not you and your partner.
So you have to make provisions for their needs above others.
You’ll be their mother forever.
Men (& women) sexual partners come and go through life.

Goudy

I suspect that you are already financially supporting him with his debts as he has moved in with you and I guess he isn't contributing fully to the everyday life due to these debts.

If he hasn't or won't tackle the problem with the support you are already offering, you are quite right to be wary of using your savings to facilitate his debts.

I am guessing but I think you know fully why he is in such debt and consider the reason for these debts as a bit selfish or foolish rather than for reasons you might consider reasonable or perhaps just bad luck beyond his control.

Your own feeling of selfishness is perhaps the giveaway to what you should do.
If the problem was easily solved with just an injection of cash that would be replaced once he is on his feet, you wouldn't feel like this, but as there's more to it than that your sensibilities are screaming out.

Only you can make the decision, but if it was me I would continue with the support you currently offer. If it's not enough it will soon be apparent and he will either stand up and face it or fall over.

The latter won't be good for your relationship but it's very rare for relationships between two with very different financial outlooks to flourish.