Do I help partner out of debt?

Malthusian · 7 August 2019 at 8:38AM

If you want to take on his debts then pop the question. After a few years of marriage his debts are yours (and vice versa) regardless of how you arrange the family finances.

If you don't want to marry him (yet) then you don't want to take on his debts.

Letting him move in with you is emphatically not equivalent to paying off his debt. That decision can be reversed at immediate notice. Paying off his debts is much more significant, as if you regretted it, the time it took to undo the damage would be however long it took you to earn the money all over again.

Malthusian · 7 August 2019 at 8:43AM

Chunkeemonkey wrote: »

My partner hasn’t asked for me to pay his debts off he just gets irrate when I offer advice or solutions ie budgeting so I feel like I’m expected to bail him out.

This is a potential red flag although one person's irate is another person's grumpy.

One thing that I don't think has been mentioned is that if you pay off his debts before he has solved the underlying problem - whatever it was that caused him to run up the debts in the first place - he will run up the debts all over again.

Then you will be in exactly the same position as before, minus the money for your kids, and with added bitterness in the relationship.

Flobberchops · 7 August 2019 at 11:10AM

I think it depends on a lot of factors - how long have you been together, how serious is the relationship, what are you both bringing to the table, what are both of your attitudes and expectations of shared finances, etc.

From the way you described it though, it sounds like the fella is fairly new on the scene, not the father of your kids, has just moved in with you, and doesn't want to hear advice about how he can work his way out of debt, but would rather somebody (you) waved a magic wand and made his troubles go away. Am I close?

atush · 7 August 2019 at 11:19AM

xylophone wrote: »

As in "my debts are yours"?

It is not fair to expect you to use money saved by you for your children/emergencies to meet these debts.

Encourage him to get debt advice and stick rigidly to a budget.

That is for married people, and i take it he hasnt offered. Not that he is a good prospect.

Send him to the debt free forum for advice on snowballing. Consider helping him with his highest interest rate debt, but make sure there is a set amt/month he must pay you. Should be lower than his repayments now as you presumably wont charge him high interest. One missed payment will show you he isnt serious about debt- or you.

But if you help him too much, he wont ever learn. he'll use your money to pay his debts, then run up more. Where will you be then?

atush · 7 August 2019 at 11:23AM

AnotherJoe wrote: »

I think neither, I say you should kick him out.
Not because he's got debts, but because (from what you've written) of his sense of entitlement that you should be paying them off.

Since moving in with you, what has he done with the money he used to pay rent with? Is he slamming his debt with it, or spending extra?

Brilley · 7 August 2019 at 11:43AM

..yes you should help them....with advise / budgeting / signposting to relevant support agencies..

But NO NO NO you should not offer them any of your money for all the good reasons stated above...

Alistair31 · 7 August 2019 at 4:19PM

Show him the door.

iglad · 7 August 2019 at 4:22PM

Get rid of him and you and your children can live debt free, he's dragging you all down. Also he's doing nothing to address his debts he sees you as his meal ticket. Get rid!!