Interfering/overpowering boyfriends mum

Silvertabby

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Do not marry this guy or buy a house without living together for at least a year first.

And when/if you do live together, do not - under any circumstances - let your boyfriend give his mum a key to your house !

onomatopoeia99

Silvertabby wrote: »

And when/if you do live together, do not - under any circumstances - let your boyfriend give his mum a key to your house !

The boyfriend will of course need to take the same advice and ensure the OP's mother doesn't have a key as well


Or is it OK for the female in a heterosexual relationship to give a key to her mother?

Mojisola

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

The boyfriend will of course need to take the same advice and ensure the OP's mother doesn't have a key as well

Or is it OK for the female in a heterosexual relationship to give a key to her mother?

It's nothing to do with whose parent it is - if both mothers would let themselves into the house and interfere, of course neither should be given a key; if one would interfere and the other would only use the key in an emergency, nothing wrong with her having one.

zagfles

ska_lover wrote: »

I wish mothers would realise how OFFPUTTING this behaviour is, to girlfriends or potential girlfriends.

Do they want their sons to end up in his middle age living at home still tied to her apron strings?

Yes! They most likely do, because they want a dependant who cannot survive without them. It's not out of love, it's a selfish desire to be needed, to have someone dependant on you. The mothering instinct gone haywire, the inability to accept your helpless little baby is now an independant adult who can survive without you.

It's like having a controlling partner. Often hard to break free from, as as we see here often the controlled partner gets blamed rather than the controller.

zagfles

LoisGriffin wrote: »

It is the same man as before.

I don’t hold him responsible for his mums behaviour. My Dad can too be a difficult man and I would hate to be held responsible for him so I don’t really hold the view that he is at fault in this really.

He didn’t realise that I felt like this. I don’t normally hold things In but have only just voiced this to him. Normally if something upsets me I tell him instantly so he was surprised that I had unhappiness he didn’t know about. He will be more proactive with her now I am sure but I also know he does fight mine and our corner.
He doesn’t like conflict and can be prone to people-pleasing for sure. But I think what we have is real.

She wants him to stay there forever and would be horrified if he tried to do his own laundry because she thinks it’s her role and that he needs her to do this. Obviously he doesn’t. I showed him how I do my Laundry and I think he was surprised how simple it is. Just a few buttons- no special skillls.

I don’t think he expects me to wait on him hand and foot. Only she does. We have quite an equal relationship and when he visits me he always wants to help and has cooked for me a few times. I do think he views the washing up as a novelty though because he has never had to do it before.

It’s more that she hasn’t really had to take a backseat before now. She has always interfered and been allowed to be quite dominant.
Will see how we get on.

I know a few blokes who have had similar controlling mothers who refuse to let them grow up - they went from having everything done for them to living with a girlfriend/wife and actually enjoying/relishing doing stuff like cooking, looking after the kids etc. They weren't lazy, they were just conditioned to be helpless, made to feel useless, or like a small child incapable of simple household tasks by mothers who don't want to let their baby grow up.

onwards&upwards

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

The boyfriend will of course need to take the same advice and ensure the OP's mother doesn't have a key as well


Or is it OK for the female in a heterosexual relationship to give a key to her mother?

It REALLY depends on the mother!!

Most wouldn’t abuse it, this one 100% would.

JIL

When I met my husband and it was many years ago his mum believed it was her place to look after the men in the house and there were 8 of them.
She washed, ironed, cooked, cleaned, knitted jumpers and didnt expect her boys to do anything.
One day we were at my parents house and she phoned my parents landline to ask him if he was coming home for tea.

She really believed it was a woman's place to do the household chores.

When we decided to get married, she thought we were too young.
When we got our house, my husband was completely different, we didnt even need to talk about him pulling his weight around the house, it just happened.

Are you worrying too much? Is he lazy or is it just that his mum doing it all is the norm? He must be doing something right or you wouldnt be contemplating your future together.

Remember when he is with you in your house, his mum wont be there and when she visits it will be on your terms.

ska_lover

zagfles wrote: »

Yes! They most likely do, because they want a dependant who cannot survive without them. It's not out of love, it's a selfish desire to be needed, to have someone dependant on you. The mothering instinct gone haywire, the inability to accept your helpless little baby is now an independant adult who can survive without you.

It's like having a controlling partner. Often hard to break free from, as as we see here often the controlled partner gets blamed rather than the controller.

I see what you mean about the controlling partner thought, there

I just find it hard to understand that a mother would deliberately ruin her sons chances of having a partner and a life, away from mother. That makes me very sad if it were true.

I do think it is done out of love, but it is warped and misguided kind of love, trying to keep them safe from harm, when they need to fall down and get up themselves, they need to learn what real life is like. I think some people struggle to admit that their kids have grown up, and like you say they cant accept not being needed.

Maybe it has something to do with, not only the fact that the kids wont need them anymore so in most ways the mother role is redundant, but also that the mother has to face the fact that she is getting older herself too. That isnt nice for any of us to face, and may bring about thoughts of what have I done with my life, etc, so they cling on to the 'wanting to be needed' thing

ooo this is far to heavy for this time of night all this psychoanalysing haha

I am now wondering if OPs boyfriend is an only child.

I mean it IS hard when your kids grown up, I mean when mine went off to Uni, I went home and sat there thinking 'what now' - it is a period of reflection and self realisation, thinking of goals you want for yourself - and not purely revolving around your kids, like we do when they are little - and when kids grow up, bit by bit, some parents do not grow with them, as in realise they have moved on to the next stage now and dont need picking up every time they physically or metaphorically fall

I am not saying what the mother is doing is right in anyway or trying to justify her behaviour as it is very very wrong, but merely just rambling on my own thoughts of parenthood - I just think that some dont adjust and grow as their kids do

Anyway I am in proper ramble mode now as I am tired, thanks for reading if anyone got this far xxx

Gavin83

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Do not marry this guy or buy a house without living together for at least a year first.

To be honest this is sound advice for any relationship, not just this one.

onwards&upwards

Gavin83 wrote: »

To be honest this is sound advice for any relationship, not just this one.

Yeah I agree, but I’ve just read the old thread about the wedding and I think it needed saying!