Interfering/overpowering boyfriends mum

Primrose

I'd play it low key until a point when the relationship looks as if it,s becoming serious and marriage might be in the cards. Then I'd sit down with him and have serious discussion along the lines of "I,m seriously worried about your dependence on your mother at your age, wonder if you consider this alright and whether you're emotionally capable of breaking away from her influence , looking after yourself and standing up for the two of us as a separate entity?

He'll probably be quite shocked to realise that your expectations are very different from his own but you need to confront this issue before any marriage takes place. Maybe it would be sensible to live together for a while first so you can see how his attitudes and behaviour changes before you commit to marriage. Mummy won,t like that, but you want to be able to marry a man capable of forming his own opinions and thinking independently and hoping for a change after marriage is leaving is too late in my view.

Mojisola

LoisGriffin wrote: »

She asks him about his ex girlfriends in front of me

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The mentionitis of ex girlfriends is easy to deal with. Just titter every time she does it.

Or ask her for their phone numbers so you can find out why they broke up with her precious son.

maman

Primrose wrote: »

I'd play it low key until a point when the relationship looks as if it,s becoming serious and marriage might be in the cards. Then I'd sit down with him and have serious discussion along the lines of "I,m seriously worried about your dependence on your mother at your age, wonder if you consider this alright and whether you're emotionally capable of breaking away from her influence , looking after yourself and standing up for the two of us as a separate entity?

He'll probably be quite shocked to realise that your expectations are very different from his own but you need to confront this issue before any marriage takes place. Maybe it would be sensible to live together for a while first so you can see how his attitudes and behaviour changes before you commit to marriage. Mummy won,t like that, but you want to be able to marry a man capable of forming his own opinions and thinking independently and hoping for a change after marriage is leaving is too late in my view.

While independent thinking is very important, it's the expectation that he will be waited on hand and foot that's more likely to lead to arguments!

onwards&upwards

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

You obviously grew up in a very different home from me. My mother did all the cooking, all the laundry etc. No-one else cooked in HER kitchen. I moved out at 19 and coped fine though.

Oh and "din dins"? Really?

You probably coped fine because you moved out at 19!

Pollycat

Primrose wrote: »

I'd play it low key until a point when the relationship looks as if it,s becoming serious and marriage might be in the cards.

If this bloke is the same one the OP posted about several months ago, it already is that serious - for both parties.

LoisGriffin

It is the same man as before.

I don’t hold him responsible for his mums behaviour. My Dad can too be a difficult man and I would hate to be held responsible for him so I don’t really hold the view that he is at fault in this really.

He didn’t realise that I felt like this. I don’t normally hold things In but have only just voiced this to him. Normally if something upsets me I tell him instantly so he was surprised that I had unhappiness he didn’t know about. He will be more proactive with her now I am sure but I also know he does fight mine and our corner.
He doesn’t like conflict and can be prone to people-pleasing for sure. But I think what we have is real.

She wants him to stay there forever and would be horrified if he tried to do his own laundry because she thinks it’s her role and that he needs her to do this. Obviously he doesn’t. I showed him how I do my Laundry and I think he was surprised how simple it is. Just a few buttons- no special skillls.

I don’t think he expects me to wait on him hand and foot. Only she does. We have quite an equal relationship and when he visits me he always wants to help and has cooked for me a few times. I do think he views the washing up as a novelty though because he has never had to do it before.

It’s more that she hasn’t really had to take a backseat before now. She has always interfered and been allowed to be quite dominant.
Will see how we get on.

LoisGriffin

Thank you everyone for responses. Would be grateful for any more from people with success in this area.

ska_lover

I wish mothers would realise how OFFPUTTING this behaviour is, to girlfriends or potential girlfriends.

Do they want their sons to end up in his middle age living at home still tied to her apron strings? No of course not. I am sure it is bourne out of love, but he's an adult now and that is misplaced on her part

What kind of things is she saying directly to you OP? Tell us, and we can help you come back with some comebacks that are NON to aggressive but also assertive

My Mother in Law is a lovely lady but has said one or two misplaced in the early days.
When me and hubby moved in together, she said asked me what I would be making him for his work lunches each day (we both work fulltime) - to which I responded 'F@% all'...(I didn't mean to come on so strong, but it just slipped out) and we both laughed....and she never did say anything similar again!

my MIL, She genuinely is a lovely woman who worries to darn much.

Like I say, tell us some of her typical things and we will help come up with some comebacks. You do need to nip this in the bud IMO.

How assertive are you - are you able to say 'Did you act like this with his Ex's?' and then, 'I'm not surprised he ended up single'

I am not saying that is pleasent OP, but if you are planning a future with this guy, you cannot let MIL run roughshod over you

onwards&upwards

Do not marry this guy or buy a house without living together for at least a year first.

Mojisola

LoisGriffin wrote: »

I don’t think he expects me to wait on him hand and foot. Only she does. We have quite an equal relationship and when he visits me he always wants to help and has cooked for me a few times. I do think he views the washing up as a novelty though because he has never had to do it before.

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Do not marry this guy or buy a house without living together for at least a year first.

This^

Washing up (and all the other household chores) are a novelty when they're done occasionally. You need to know that he'll do his share day-in, day-out.