Interfering/overpowering boyfriends mum

LoisGriffin

My boyfriends mum is very disappointed with his choice of me and indirectly makes this quite clear to me. I am 5 years older than him and she would like him to date somebody much younger.

Some of the things she says are quite hurtful and make me quite frustrated. So far I haven’t said anything to her mostly as it is a fairly new relationship, but as time goes on the more she says the more I think it might be needed.

Would be interested in any advice from anyone in similar position.

She makes me feel like her son is her property and they were quite happy before I arrived and took him away. She tells me all the things she does for him and vice versa with the inference that I won’t be able to look after him as good as she can. He is late 20s but lives at home.
Just for reference I don’t think its my job or her job to look after him but she won’t allow him to grow up and do things for himself.

She still buys him clothes, toiletries and cooks all his meals. She asks him about his ex girlfriends in front of me and more which is hard to explain.
Her mum/his Nan is the same. But for older people you can kind of make allowances somehow.

I don’t see them very often which is helpful, but when I do i always find it difficult.
She has Always expected a big wedding and lots of grandchildren and thinks these things are her right to have but I have no interest in either which will cause friction going forward. Boyfriend is not fussed about either.

My boyfriend is very laid back and never wants to upset anybody but we talked about this and he said I am his priority and our relationship is going to be about what we want rather than our parents. But I don’t want to put him in a position where he feels torn between his mum and me and I think saying something might be uncomfortable but at the same time she makes me feel like an ant that must be squashed.

Part of me thinks it’s my fault for letting things go and maybe she is seeing how far she can go before I put my foot down. I don’t know.

Mojisola

LoisGriffin wrote: »

She still buys him clothes, toiletries and cooks all his meals.

My boyfriend is very laid back and never wants to upset anybody but we talked about this and he said I am his priority and our relationship is going to be about what we want rather than our parents.

But I don’t want to put him in a position where he feels torn between his mum and me and I think saying something might be uncomfortable but at the same time she makes me feel like an ant that must be squashed.

If your BF means what he has said to you, then he needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult.

If he doesn't make some efforts to become independent from his mother, then I don't hold out much hope for this relationship (or any other he might have in the future).

jackieblack

She might have expected a lot of things. Expectations are the cause of most disappointments.
Her expectations should not be your problem.

You can’t control the things other people think and say.
You can only control how you choose to react to them.

JennyJukes

Yeah I agree your boyfriend is in his late 20's, why is he letting his mum still baby him?
He also needs to defend you and your relationship more.


I have similar sort of worries. I am also 5 years older than my boyfriend, from a completely different "culture" and she has very traditional views. I also think she probably thinks I'm not good enough for him as I don't come from a well-off or good family or have a good education or job. Unfortunately my boyfriend is currently financially dependent on them but as soon as he isn't, rules are going to be set.

Your boyfriend is late 20's and independent and needs to start acting like it IMO. I also believe my boyfriends family will want a big wedding (their culture usually has days of celebration) but you have to stick to your guns, BOTH of you. If they want a big wedding, they need to pay for it. And if she's treating you like crap then why should you hold a huge celebration on her behalf? Especially if she's never going to be happy that you're dating/married, it'll completely ruin your special day.

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

If your BF means what he has said to you, then he needs to grow up and start behaving like an adult.

If he doesn't make some efforts to become independent from his mother, then I don't hold out much hope for this relationship (or any other he might have in the future).

Exactly.
He needs to demonstrate that you are his priority.
Maybe he's just saying that you are to avoid confrontation.
I would not see a future with a man who allows his Mother to treat me in such a way.

maman

I think you're wise to say nothing at the moment. You don't have to agree with her but no need to be confrontational either.

As you said, it's a new relationship and what really matters isn't so much the mother but how your BF chooses to deal with the situation going forward. I know a couple of men who've loved having everything done for them and have looked for (and found) a woman who'll carry on doing the same.

When you'd need to worry is if you ever decided to move in together. Would your BF expect you to become his substitute mother and wait on him hand and foot? Would he be amenable to doing his share of housework?

Meanwhile I'd just make duty visits when you have to, be polite but generally keep away from the mother. Try to steer any conversation away from their domestic arrangements whenever possible and when you can't then just lightly put your point of view.

amberhen49

I'd be embarrassed to have my mum waiting on me like that, at that age. Buying his clothes? :rotfl:Think your boyfriend needs to start backing up his words. If he really means what he says that your relationship is the priority then he needs to have a quiet word with his mum about her behaviour towards you.

He also needs to have a look at himself and his own behaviour. His indifference and allowing himself to be waited on doesn't bode well. You're going to end up with a man child that can't look after himself.

[Deleted User]

Why is he still living at home with mummy?

Marvel1

Personally you are better off without them both, a bloke who can't look after himself and has his Mum buys his clothes (providing he is capable etc). Stuff that.

Seanymph

To go against the grain I wouldn't blame him for taking the easy route at the moment, why wouldn't he?

If her comments are hurtful, then tell him that - it's a bit early to be worrying about the wedding!

Tell him that you don't want to hear about his exes, and if you want, then tell her - but once you feel right secure then you won't care anyway.....

I'm not dismissing you - my mil is a baggage- She spent years saying at every meeting 'don't you just long for your own grandchildren' - despite that I'm step grandma to three, took one day off work a week to child mind, did all the grandmothering things, was called nana........ the stress was on YOUR OWN every time I saw her because they were my husbands granchildren not mine, I am 'just' a step parent.

In the end, after repeatedly smiling and saying 'I can't imagine it will be any different, it certainly can't be any more expensive' I flat out said 'why do you say that every time you see me, I think it's the eighth time now'.

Her type of passive aggressive is used to not being called out and she stopped - but she's cross I did it, so I'm not sure it was worth it in the long run.

Your fella will come around, as long as it's easy to - but you will have to put your own boundaries in place I think with his mother, and bite your tongue a lot - is he worth it? Only you know that. I just don't bother seeing my mil above about four times a year.

Pollycat

Is this the same person you posted about back in April?