How much financial support do you give your parents ?

heartbreak_star

Duncan0808 wrote: »

I think there is...<snip>

Not everyone's situation has the possibility of being this perfect. If I had to live with my mother again, my mental health would be destroyed...

HBS x

Pollycat

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Not everyone's situation has the possibility of being this perfect. If I had to live with my mother again, my mental health would be destroyed...

HBS x

You made the point I was going to make very well, HBS. :T
I think Duncan is comparing apples and elephants as I can see no similarity in his parents' life and the spendthrift, 'don't-want-to-think-about-the-future' attitude the OP's parents appear to have had/have.
Having a disabled child puts a very different aspect to a situation.
The OP doesn't appear to have a disabled sibling.

As with HBS, I can't imagine living with my parents.
So what suits you, Duncan, won't suit everyone else.
So please don't judge me by my actions and the views i express on this website.

I can assure Duncan that the state will not have to pick up my pieces as I've made adequate provision for my own future.

Gavin83

Duncan0808 wrote: »

I think there is only one post who seems to think that families should stick together and support each generation.

I wouldn't wish to be held accountable for my parents poor decisions to the point it caused serious harm to my own life. Would you feel the same if you saw your parents living a luxurious lifestyle on your money, while you struggled to get by while they gave nothing in return?

Your situation is completely different to that of the OP. It wasn't like their parents even had any bad luck.

Luckily my parents aren't idiots and have made the appropriate financial plans for their retirement.

-taff

Duncan0808 wrote: »

Seems that society has passed a point of no return - where the state is expected to pick up the pieces.

You are comparing apples and oranges.
Would you still feel the same way if your parents had spent everything they ever had on themselces with no regard for the rest of you and then expected you to foot the bill for their lifestyle without any help from them?

pickledonionspaceraider

That's nice Duncan, glad it works for you - it sounds great, good family values.

I think it goes down the generations too, if the older gen treat their own kids badly, it doesn't bode well for the kids then , to step in when the time comes.

Personal space is a biggie for me. I think I would run a mile if I met a man who lived with his parents/grandparents - and expected me to move in. The lack of privacy would be really bad for my mental health. Itll take a strong woman for your son to bring in to the situation

maman

Thanks for telling us about your arrangements Duncan . It's good to know they work for you all. Don't despair I think many people build on 'granny annexes' and live in a similar way to you. Then there's the converse bank of mum and dad.

You seem to have missed the point of the thread. I'm sure OP would have felt very differently about her parents' predicament if it hadn't been self inflicted.

Marisco

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

That's nice Duncan, glad it works for you - it sounds great, good family values.

I think it goes down the generations too, if the older gen treat their own kids badly, it doesn't bode well for the kids then , to step in when the time comes.

Personal space is a biggie for me. I think I would run a mile if I met a man who lived with his parents/grandparents - and expected me to move in. The lack of privacy would be really bad for my mental health. Itll take a strong woman for your son to bring in to the situation

Aye, strong enough to resist

TBagpuss

Duncan0808 wrote: »

I think there is only one post who seems to think that families should stick together and support each generation.

Really disappointing and explains a lot about society today, the blame and benefit culture and why the welfare state is in the state it is in.

My Parents had me and my brother, he was born with a severe disability and mum had to give up work to look after him.
They were never particularly wealthy but we had a good life. Dad went through periods of being wealthy when they spent, and periods of being out of work when they didn't.
When my Nan lost her husband, she came to live with us rather than be her on her own. She helped with the cooking and cleaning and did lots of babysitting when we were younger.

When my dad got made redundant, just as his pension went bust and he had 4 years left to retire, plus their mortgage ran on twelve months after his official retirement date, they downsized. Moved to a tiny bungalow that my wheelchair bound brother could hardly get around. They had no money to do anything other than get by.

They sold up, used the money from the sale to build an extension on our house with some left over, we pay all the bills, and pay towards the food bill (Mum shops) We have lived together and looked after each other for the last 15 years. Including my brother.

Again, we gained a live in cook and and handyman, plus babysitting. Now it is payback time as they get older and frailer and struggle with ill health and need more help with things.
Financially we have all gained from sharing our wealth too. Our home is more valuable and will be there in the future as my "pot". Although my son tells me that we won't be selling up as my husband and I will simply move into the Granny flat once my parents pass away and he will take over maintaining the home and supporting his parents.

Seems that society has passed a point of no return - where the state is expected to pick up the pieces.

Actually, there are lots of posts suggesting ways in which OP can suppotr their parents.

Your arrangements may have workd for you, and that's great. They wouldn't work for eveyone , and in particualr, it sounds as though they work because all parties are supportive. In OPs situation, that kind of mutual responsibility doesn't appear to be the case.

It's not somethingthat has ever been true of society as a whole, it's always been the case that some families were able to function as you describe, others tried but wound up with some familiy members taking dvatage of others and others chose not to go down that route.
It the same in cultures where intergenrational living is more common. You have some happy, contend families where eveyone suppotrs eveyone else, and some where the weakest or more junior members are bulied or neglected or taken advantage of.

You seem to have a very rose-tinted view of the past.

maman

TBagpuss wrote: »

Actually, there are lots of posts suggesting ways in which OP can suppotr their parents.

Your arrangements may have workd for you, and that's great. They wouldn't work for eveyone , and in particualr, it sounds as though they work because all parties are supportive. In OPs situation, that kind of mutual responsibility doesn't appear to be the case.

It's not somethingthat has ever been true of society as a whole, it's always been the case that some families were able to function as you describe, others tried but wound up with some familiy members taking dvatage of others and others chose not to go down that route.
It the same in cultures where intergenrational living is more common. You have some happy, contend families where eveyone suppotrs eveyone else, and some where the weakest or more junior members are bulied or neglected or taken advantage of.

You seem to have a very rose-tinted view of the past.

That's very true. I've just come back from India where that sort of thing is vero common. It's often the daughter in law that can have a very tough time.

Many families in this country have done very well in terms of property while resolving a caring issue. A young family can often afford something much larger and in a better area by pooling resources. I met a woman last week who'd built a granny flat onto her own home rather than moving and downsizing. She got to stay in the area she knows, kept her garden and her DD moved into somewhere bigger and better than she could afford on her own.

So it can be financially advantageous as well as a caring thing to do.

It doesn't help OP though as she'd likely end up paying for everything and leaving herself short.

Kynthia

Duncan0808 wrote: »

I think there is only one post who seems to think that families should stick together and support each generation.

Really disappointing and explains a lot about society today, the blame and benefit culture and why the welfare state is in the state it is in.

My Parents had me and my brother, he was born with a severe disability and mum had to give up work to look after him.
They were never particularly wealthy but we had a good life. Dad went through periods of being wealthy when they spent, and periods of being out of work when they didn't.
When my Nan lost her husband, she came to live with us rather than be her on her own. She helped with the cooking and cleaning and did lots of babysitting when we were younger.

When my dad got made redundant, just as his pension went bust and he had 4 years left to retire, plus their mortgage ran on twelve months after his official retirement date, they downsized. Moved to a tiny bungalow that my wheelchair bound brother could hardly get around. They had no money to do anything other than get by.

They sold up, used the money from the sale to build an extension on our house with some left over, we pay all the bills, and pay towards the food bill (Mum shops) We have lived together and looked after each other for the last 15 years. Including my brother.

Again, we gained a live in cook and and handyman, plus babysitting. Now it is payback time as they get older and frailer and struggle with ill health and need more help with things.
Financially we have all gained from sharing our wealth too. Our home is more valuable and will be there in the future as my "pot". Although my son tells me that we won't be selling up as my husband and I will simply move into the Granny flat once my parents pass away and he will take over maintaining the home and supporting his parents.

Seems that society has passed a point of no return - where the state is expected to pick up the pieces.

I've always expected to have to financially assist my parents-in-law in their retirement and have not had an issue with that. However they've always worked hard, been careful with their money and will be claiming what they're entitled to claim. There's no-way I'd be happy giving them a few hundred a month when they were refusing to claim money or benefits they were due. Why should money that my children need go to pay council tax that wouldn't need paying if they filled in a form?

Lots of people on this thread are very supportive of families but their advice is specific to the OP's scenario.