How much financial support do you give your parents ?

Pollycat

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

If the parents were unable to manage because they had not had opportunities, then i would help financially if I could. But only if it did not mean I put my own retirement prospects at risk, because all that does is pushes the problem further down the generations.

However, if they had had money and spent it on luxuries (as they are quite entitled to do), then I would not help them financially long-term, but would, as others have suggested, help them to claim everything they might be entitled to. Iif they already are getting this, then I would try to impress on them that they could not keep spending at the same rate as before and help them to budget.

I agree that nothing the OP has said has suggested they are 'vulnerable' and I think it is quite condescending to assume this. I am 69 and my husband 70, and today we have been out in our sports car, top down, blown the blues away and climbed some hills. We are also well able to manage our own affairs and spot 'scams' etc. So no more assumptions of 'vulnerable', please!

I really don't want to - and don't intend to - restart the vulnerable or not vulnerable debate but had to :T the bit in bold.
I'm nearer to 70 than 60 but am wearing my DMs and tartan leggings and would be mortified if someone assumed I was vulnerable because of my age.

[Deleted User]

Hi Everyone


Thankyou all for your thoughts. Apologies for not getting back sooner but I was waiting to meet and find out what sort of help is needed.


The situation in more detail is that they did have pension provision but cashed it in years ago to pay for one thing or another and find themselves today with state pension and other bits and pieces from little gardening jobs etc. It seems not only have they spent but have borrowed aswell so owe money but wont tell me how much. They have intimated they would appreciate help with utilities / council tax.


I have come to the conclusion that sadly they are victims of their own stupidity and have never thought about how they would manage once employment stopped. These are not people who have had minimum wage jobs with little spare money for pension provision they have just been spendthrifts.


I have decided to just let them get on with things as they see fit because they just can't seem to grasp their predicament and the more I hear the more I'm angry I am at how there is no recognition of how silly they have been. I wasn't brought up by Dad and as such have no feelings of ' repayment' for my childhood and whilst as a person I don't wish them unnecessary hardship I'm not going to offer monetary support. They need to cut their cloth so to speak as do most people who move on to retirement incomes.


Their grand plan is that they will sell their house and buy a smaller place and live off the surplus, if there is any as there house isn't worth much.


If the day comes when they are on the streets then I'll have to think again but for now the house equity is the plan to supplement their pensions.


PS they are not vulnerable

Bellisima

There is nothing shameful about benefits. They are there to help people on low incomes survive. The basic state pension is very low. My husband retired a few years ago and he got a work pension on top of the state pension. Shame they did not think about putting into a work pension fund, but there you go. My husband did qualify for Pension Credit as well as Cold Weather Payments, and he was able to get free cavity wall insulation and a new boiler, all paid by government schemes. You have to be on Pension Credits to apply.

Downsizing would be a good idea. You say the house isn’t worth much (really?) but I would get it valued. Nowadays most houses are worth rather a lot! If they don’t want to move, they could try equity release. The house will be valued before any equity being released. However if they are spendthrifts then there is the worry that they may spend it pretty quickly.

I would contact Age UK for help and advice. They helped my husband to apply for everything he was entitled you. They were brilliant. I’m sorry you have this heavy burden but there are solutions out there.

Primrose

Been there and got the Tee shirt with my in-laws. Their debt disclosure came tumbling out at the same time my own husband was made redundant so trying to help them was hard and I felt very resentful that They had smoked their future financial stability away instead of investing in pensions whilst still expecting my husband and I to support them.

They will, I'm afraid have to face up to their short sightedness and make the sacrifices now they weren,t prepared to make earlier in their lives. Sit down with them and force them to face the financial realities and what they must do to be able to manage financially in future. Property prices are falling at the moment so not necessarily a good time to sell but maybe that will ultimately be a solution.

However moving to a flat may eat up some of any savings with lease and communal Mqontenance costs. Could they get part time jobs? Many people in their seventies still work. Could they take in a lodger? If they can,t generate extra income they will have to apply for benefits, whether they like it or not. They need to understand you have your own family responsibilities.

Maybe see if they will sit down and let you help them work out a budget going forward.which perhaps puts a little money away for basic emergencies.

DigForVictory

Miword the temptation to assure them you will help, get & implement POA and apply for everything they are entitled to, then step back & say there you go, I'll check up every month...
However since they do not appear to understand cause & effect terribly well, they may well try something else. Do not part with a ha'penny of your own but make sure they have all they should & are on good tariffs etc. They've not left you much room for manoeuvre.

Gavin83

BBH123 wrote: »

They have intimated they would appreciate help with utilities / council tax.

Thanks for coming back.

So they're too proud to claim benefits but not too proud to suggest their child gives them money. I think they've got their priorities wrong.

In your situation I'd be offering my assistance to assess their finances and work out what they might be entitled to. If they refuse this help then so be it.

They sound like the type of people who will blame you for their financial hardship for not giving them money so don't let them guilt trip you.

Pollycat

I think the worst part of the OP's update is that they have admitted being in debt but won't say how much but still seem to expect assistance with regular bills.

I'm another who thinks that downsizing may result in them [STRIKE]spending[/STRIKE] wasting any extra cash this generates.

I think the OP has made the right decision not to help financially (although I'm not sure if this has been communicated to the parents).

vacheron

My parents are in their seventies and are extremely independent and able.

I have noticed that I there are cultural differences in regard to families assisting other generations. Some families provide substantial support to their children up until their 30's, 40's and sometimes beyond to get them set up in life, however this also comes with the expectation that those parents will later be taken care of by their then financially established children. I have also noticed that this is not purely a cultural thing but also occurs in many white British families as well (I apologise if this term offends anyone but I don't know if there is any PC approved term do describe this group).

Our family works the other way, whereby my brother and have been brought up to be financially independent and would not expect any handouts, holidays, bills paid or house deposits gifted from our parents once we reached adulthood (though I'm sure the help would be there if we asked). However, we were brought up to understand that if we can't afford it we can't have it and this has allowed our parents provide and retain the funds to allow them to support themselves into their old age.

The problem is that both these arrangemnets can break down due to either freeloading children or parents (in the OP's case) who fritter their money away and default on their obligation of responsibility necessary to allow the arrangement to work.

As I have got older I am amazed at the amount of people I know who are now in their 40's yet they (and their children) are still regularly taken on holidays on their parents as if they were still 14!
Whenever I see this I sincerely hope they remember this generosity if their parents ever need help. But then, if you can't afford to pay for their own family holiday at 40 years old, the likelihood that their parents could rely on them for support in a few years time may be slim!

babyblade41

I'm not understanding why their house is not worth very much... If you have a house then there aren't many that aren't worth a reasonable amount if owned outright.

The debt must be paid and the has to be tackled and also depends how much that debt is as people will be knocking on the door very soon.

Before anything there must be a very frank conversation to assess the scale of the problem as helping with anything will not clear what is already owed.

You will need bank statements, credit cards, store cards and any kind of statement that will show the amount owed and start tackling it..helping out financially will be useless and cause significant rows when you pay a bill and they nip out to lunch

Once the whole debt has been established then all assets can be taken into account.

OP said about cars, these can be sold and a budget second hand runaround will suffice.

Equity release is not a scheme I'm comfortable with, it's fine if you have no children and are advancing in years as someone I know has done quite effectively , but I'd get a market valuation from a high street agent or maybe go on RM and see what has sold recently in that area , you maybe surprised that it's worth considerably more especially in a more expensive area.

Moving just a few miles from an expensive area can release much needed equity to pay off the debts .. then do a budget for them and make sure they stick to it

get a calculation of everything they are entitled to, it's not benefits it's what they have paid into all their life and I'd be quite happy to get something back in my later years when I've paid tax for years

There are lots of ways to help them financially without actually paying anything towards the debt and if as you say they are proud then it's better to take what they have contributed to rather than taking off you

I am in my mid fifties and my pension I took out is very small but I always have a second property with no mortgage that was my pension giving me a reasonable income and the asset as well...mind ``I don't go on holiday and very rarely go out and my van is an old beat up one which is serviced regularly and suits my purpose

Pollycat

babyblade41 wrote: »

I'm not understanding why their house is not worth very much... If you have a house then there aren't many that aren't worth a reasonable amount if owned outright.

It depends where in the country the OP's parents live and what sort of house they currently own.
The cheapest houses in my area are for sale ranging from £55k to £70k.

It would be hard to downsize from a property worth a similar amount and release enough capital to be able to sort out debts and have money to put by.