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Fake marriage

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  • Janey3
    Janey3 Posts: 417 Forumite
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    Don't see why you can't have separate holidays, OP. If you want to go somewhere and your OH doesn't, just go yourself or with a friend. I often go on breaks without OH if he doesn't want to go to a certain place, and I do - and he's fine about it, but we've never been 'joined at the hip' so to speak. He favours coach holidays, I dislike them, but I go along - its give and take.

    I've made a circle of friends as OH is not bothered about socialising. I accept this.

    We've been married for 36 years.

    Can't really see a problem in your OH 'doing his own thing' regarding family visits etc unless it is putting a financial strain on the household, caused by him not working.You chose to carry on working and he has chosen to retire.

    Think I understand your feelings about the house being in his name only, despite the fact that legally, it is 50/50. Our first house was in OH's name only and I never felt right about it, despite me contributing to the upkeep but I 'went with it'. Our second one and present one was put in joint names.

    The matter of not having a joint account should have been sorted out years ago, but you've gone all these years and accepted it.

    Marriage is full of twists and turns and even after 30 odd years, it can throw up surprises of things that have festered for so long, suddenly raising their heads.

    As for your OH 'letting himself go' - you can only support him with doing the usual stuff, healthy meals, suggesting exercise etc., but ultimately, it is his decision, he's got to want to do it himself, you are not his keeper. My OH is an unhealthy weight, I tried all the usual stuff, but nothing has worked, although he has started doing more exercise and I'm hoping it continues! Basically, I have given up on that front, but it hurts to know that one day he could just drop.

    You have a 30 year old marriage, not many last that long.

    Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
  • Marges
    Marges Posts: 22 Forumite
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    I don't think house is in his name only, but I'm paying the land registry to find out.
  • barbiedoll
    barbiedoll Posts: 5,326 Forumite
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    This isn’t a “retirement” thing, is it OP? You don’t say much, but some of the things that you hint at, speak of years of resentment towards him.

    “No 1 dad”...after years of letting you do the donkey work and paying for the kids needs?

    “Paid the mortgage and council tax as he thinks the house is his”....and treats you like a paying guest?

    “Let himself go”....just got a bit chubbier? Or stopped washing himself and cleaning his teeth?

    “Give up any pretence of looking for work”....happy to let you pay for everything? Does he do the household chores while you’re at work? (Am guessing not)

    “He’s always been very critical of me”.....Why? Has this made you feel bad about yourself? Is this why you want to escape now?

    It’s interesting that you say about how he was struggling to commit and to leave his mum and sister....what’s that all about? Was his dad not around? Was he mollycoddled at home and reluctant to grow up and be a husband/father?

    Anyway, it’s about what you want now. You absolutely don’t have to stay if you’ve had enough. Start making plans...getting the house deeds is a good start. Maybe make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you will stand if you do split. You’ll probably get half of the house, no matter what the deeds say, but he’ll have a claim on your pension, so you’ll need to know what that’s going to be worth. You say that you could both buy a place if the family home was sold, is that true? Have you checked what yours is worth and what you could buy with the proceeds (or half of them)?

    32 years is a long marriage. It’s also a long time to be miserable, unfulfilled and restless. Don’t worry about anyone blaming you, who cares what they think? I’m sure your kids know what he’s like, they may love him but they’re probably not blind to his faults.

    And go and book that holiday! You work hard enough, so enjoy your time off. If he doesn’t want to go, then go alone. It’s a big world out there, go and see some of it.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,371 Forumite
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    If you separated, and lived separate lives in separate homes, what would you expect to be the practical or emotional benefits to you over living mostly separate lives in the same home?
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,796 Forumite
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    DavidF wrote: »
    I hope im not comming across as a troll or anything. Perhaps I was a little bullish lol. But when I saw the thread title and then read the op I came away thinking poor guy - considering the age of both today then he may well have been of a mind to retire at around this age....maybe not. My brother is the same age and he is retiring next year.....he has planned this since his mid 20's. His wife is perfectly happy to continue working......she does have 5 years on him age wise though lol. But in all seiousness they both do what they want their finances are sound (As you would "hope" at that age) - When he was planning his age to retire people were only living on average until late 60's at best....also it is much lower in Glasgow where he lived in his early years of marrage....so retirng before you pop your cloggs was definately a "thing". The way they are now has freed him up to do the house/home work and take care of all the little things that need doing. She works less hours than she used too, she also comes home to dinner on the table and the house clean ect...so it seems to work for them.
    I suppose someone earlier on in this thread hit on the thing - maybe they just never talked about it...which is a fault on both sides.
    As nicely as I can put this - OP is still "young" so is her other half. If they cant have the conversation now thentheywill never have it. If they have the conversation and either side is desperately unhappy at the outcome then they both owe it to themselves each other and their family to just accept it sell up and move on and try to remain good friends....Easier said than done but possible with the correct will.
    I don't think you are coming across as a troll.

    You just got it wrong in your 'made-up view from the other side' - as I pointed out and the OP has confirmed.

    Regardless of what your brother and his wife are doing, the OP is clearly not happy with the situation.

    Talking may help but as the OP says he refuses to discuss holidays unless it's where he wants to go and there's 'no way he'd be willing to speak to strangers' at Relate, I wouldn't be relying on a good discussion to sort things out if I were the OP.

    Quote from the OP:
    Marges wrote: »
    Not just bored, I'm sure I'd be more bored and lonely on my own in the short term. What I have realised from this thread is it's good to talk which is something I can't do with my oh so maybe relate is worth a try. Funny thing is I did go to marriage guidance on my own 30 years ago pre children when he was struggling to commit to our marriage and leave his mum & sister.
  • Marges
    Marges Posts: 22 Forumite
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    Theoretica "If you separated, and lived separate lives in separate homes, what would you expect to be the practical or emotional benefits to you over living mostly separate lives in the same home?"

    1 not having to pretend to the outside world, friends and colleagues that our marriage is ok. Our kids have already seen from the inside that it's not but naturally prefer us to stay together. So being able to be honest with my friends mainly.

    2 being open to new relationships which sounds more trouble than it's worth from what I can see of other people's experiences.

    3 practically I know it would cost us a lot more to live separately but is not impossible. Our remaining adult child at home would want to live with one of us.

    4 for family reasons it is easier to live separate lives in the same house, kids visit us together and invite us out together.

    So conflicted, which is where relate might help.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,796 Forumite
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    Marges
    You've said several times that you would be blamed for the breakup.
    Why is that?
  • Marges
    Marges Posts: 22 Forumite
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    HNY by the way. I would be blamed because it would be me that instigated it, he will never do anything because he is comfortable as is and wouldn't want to sell the house.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,796 Forumite
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    Marges wrote: »
    HNY by the way. I would be blamed because it would be me that instigated it, he will never do anything because he is comfortable as is and wouldn't want to sell the house.
    But you've already said that your (grown-up) children know that you're not happy.
    Why would they prefer you to stay together?
    That sounds selfish to me.
    If my parents had wanted to divorce, I'd have supported them both in their decision.
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,371 Forumite
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    Marges wrote: »
    1 not having to pretend to the outside world, friends and colleagues that our marriage is ok. Our kids have already seen from the inside that it's not but naturally prefer us to stay together. So being able to be honest with my friends mainly.


    I have a friend who is quietly open that her marriage is more like being housemates - but crucially her husband seems to agree and not object to this being known.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
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