Fake marriage

Red-Squirrel_2

Marges wrote: »

Long-winded, I presume you mean "I don't love him any more".

How can I say that when I've been with him from the age of 18? And I would be blamed for family break-up.

Neither of those are anything to do with whether you love him or want to be with him.

thorsoak

I wouldn't advise group holidays for singles ...according to a friend who has been on them, they always turn out to contain a majority of people looking for a holiday romance - be they single, divorced or married - with someone or maybe two or three - targetting on the courier - be the courier male or female!

You go to work on your own - yes? So, arrange a holiday ON YOUR OWN - work out where you would like to go, what you would want to see - just you, not the OH, not the kids - but something that YOU would like to do - after 32 years you are probably used to letting your own likes subside under others wants and needs. Arrange a timetable, and then either book on line - or go to a travel agent- and go for it!

Added ....when you go, have a book with you - you can sit on your own to eat - and read - or you can take a notebook and pen -so you sit and write. Of course you take your camera/phone - and take masses of pictures. Smile at people - they smile back - and sometimes pass the time of day with a stranger - you are not alone.

Good luck x

Pollycat

Marges wrote: »

Yes I assume so, it was certainly a joint mortgage when we bought it. Question is do I want to be on my own mid 50's or continue what looks like a comfortable marriage from the outside?

That's a question only you can answer.

Marges wrote: »

I haven't taken my annual leave this year because things at home have been so bad. I have tried to talk him about a holiday, me paying, but he refuses to go anywhere we haven't been before ie. Europe. This is a big worry as I feel if I stick with him I will never travel outside Europe.

Why is this 'a big worry'?
Have you always wanted to travel to far-flung destinations?
Or is it just a symptom of your attitude to your marriage and your husband?

Fireflyaway

Of course you don't have to publicly list everything that's wrong, but based on the limited info you have provided, divorcing after 30+ years seems extreme. Are you just a bit bored or resentful that you are working and he isnt?
Retirement is a milestone and a big time for change. Suddenly not having that purpose or routine each day, less interaction with others, more time together, change in finances etc. Most couples would discuss how to raise a child or how to manage finances but how many discuss retirement? You might just have mismatched expectations? He wants to laze about whilst you want to travel? Maybe he doesn't care for friendships but it is important to you.
If my parents divorced after so long I'd be shocked. Of course it's their choice but I'd find it weird. After all he has put a roof over your head. You have raised the kids and taken care of the family. You have both contributed to your joint history.
I'm not certain unless there is more to this, that splitting up is the best option. Have you actually expressed everything and attempted to make a plan? I do think new year makes us reevaluate stuff. It's great to make positive change but take care not to replace one problem with another.

Pollycat

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Of course you don't have to publicly list everything that's wrong, but based on the limited info you have provided, divorcing after 30+ years seems extreme. Are you just a bit bored or resentful that you are working and he isnt?
Retirement is a milestone and a big time for change. Suddenly not having that purpose or routine each day, less interaction with others, more time together, change in finances etc. Most couples would discuss how to raise a child or how to manage finances but how many discuss retirement? You might just have mismatched expectations? He wants to laze about whilst you want to travel? Maybe he doesn't care for friendships but it is important to you.
If my parents divorced after so long I'd be shocked. Of course it's their choice but I'd find it weird. After all he has put a roof over your head. You have raised the kids and taken care of the family. You have both contributed to your joint history.
I'm not certain unless there is more to this, that splitting up is the best option. Have you actually expressed everything and attempted to make a plan? I do think new year makes us reevaluate stuff. It's great to make positive change but take care not to replace one problem with another.

TBH, it doesn't sound like it's been a great marriage:

Marges wrote: »

his decision when we married, he wanted to pay mortgage and council tax and told me to pay the rest,

<<snip>>


He never contributed to child care costs, kids clothes, presents etc.

Marges wrote: »

he has always been very critical of me but excused it by saying I had no sense of humour. He has completely let himself go which is part of why he doesn't want to see people.

These are not just changes as a result of nearing retirement.

Marges

Solo travel is not something I enjoy, I've done it for work and only enjoyed it when I got into company with other delegates to go for meals etc. I am good at small talk so a group holiday might work for me with no romance. Travel is the one thing I do want to spend money on.

Money is manageable while I'm working and I've been in public sector pension from 21 so should get something back for all I've paid in, we are not big spenders.

Tigsteroonie

Do you actually want to split up, or are you just bored?

And I don't understand why you'd be the one being blamed.

Mojisola

poorweelass wrote: »

You don't have to go to relate as a couple, you can go on your own

This would be a good start - talking it through with an experienced counsellor could crystalise your issues and give you a direction to go on.

Staying as you are doesn't sound like a viable option.

Marges

Not just bored, I'm sure I'd be more bored and lonely on my own in the short term. What I have realised from this thread is it's good to talk which is something I can't do with my oh so maybe relate is worth a try. Funny thing is I did go to marriage guidance on my own 30 years ago pre children when he was struggling to commit to our marriage and leave his mum & sister.

DavidF

Men have feeling too people. I think it's always good to think of the thread from alternate points of view. How would the op's hubby start his thread.
Well we have been together since we were young. I have paid for the house and provided for our family in every way. Now as I am getting a little older I feel I need to slow down a bit and helping out the kids and grandkids ect is exactly what i enjoy...after my lifetime of work we can afford this. But the wife has reacted to my plans with horror it's almost as if....she never wanted me around the house. She would have been perfectly happy for me to work past retirement until I drop. I have also noticed that she feels I have not "grabbed my chance", but I think since I have managed to provide for my family throughout our marriage that I actually have grabbed my chances and I am just not a gambler. Maybe it is because SHE has not grabbed her chances or maybe she always hankered after that go-getter who just loves the 90 hour weeks and keep the cash coming.
Does that sound a little harsh ? From the info given it could fit....at least be honest and stop wasting more of both your life.