My sister is getting married in New Zealand..

Marvel1

I wouldn't bother, they want you there then they can pay for it.

Doodles

You aren't being unreasonable.

It's a lot of money, and as you say yourself, you aren't close.

Just decline and politely explain that finances at this time don't allow for the trip.

If her or the rest of the family kick up a bit of a fuss, so be it.

acp94

BrassicWoman wrote: »

I've just costed 10 nights in Auckland, hotel, flying from Heathrow in April and it's £2k single, £3k for a couple. And there are ways to do it cheaper.


Just because facts are helpful in decision making


Would your parents help if it meant you could go?

£2K-£3K is just way out of my budget, no way I'd ever be able to afford that in my current financial state without saving for years! and the wedding is a year November so don't have that time! Thanks for the advice though, all these comments are so appreciated. It's really helpful to get different viewpoints!

acp94

pollypenny wrote: »

Don't say 'it's just a wedding.....' as that sounds totally dismissive of and uncaring for your sister. It's likely to cause arguments with your parents.

Express regret that your finances mean you cannot go and wish her the very best for the day and the future.

BTW: It's not as if she's gone abroad just to marry. FaceTime is the name of the VOIP app, it's just the same as saying Skype.

I agree, it's not just a wedding. It is my sister's wedding and if it wasn't for financial reasons, I'd do all I can to go, regardless of our relationship. I don't hold grudges so whatever has happened to us in the past isn't what's going to make my decision - but that on top of my financial worry may be the dealbreaker.. Thanks for the advice!

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

I wouldn't go.

That aside, why would going mean that you have to put off your wedding? If you want to be married, you don't need to have the big event (and you might find that if your parents and other family members react badly to your decision not to go to NZ that the big event loses some of its appeal anyway) you can be married very cheaply and get all that lovely legal protection and rights much sooner.

I don't want a huge wedding, but I also nice wedding. My partner has ALOT of close family, and there isn't anyone he couldn't invite (trust me, we've gone over the list several times and he genuinely has very close relationships with them all). Plus, I shouldn't have to postpone the wedding I want, because my sister wants to marry abroad. If roles were reversed, I would be devastated if she was struggling with money and it would damage her finances more by coming to my wedding. She may feel the same about me, you never know! Thanks for the advice!

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Do your parents have an idea of your financial situation or do they just think that you haven't got the money in the bank at the moment?


The only reason I ask is that if they are under the impression it's the later then perhaps they aren't aware what a big ask it is.


The other thing to consider is how this will affect your relationship with your sister - you may not care one iota about that ! - as I think this may seal the type of relationship you have in the future....what's it like generally?


If you do decide not to go then I think you need to get your partner to be there, if only to support you when you tell your parents - would they be more receptive to his arguments or would they see it as him interfering?

Yes, they pretty much know the exact figure, as they have helped me out a few times (don't owe them any money, but they have supported me in the past). It's hard to tell. My sister historically has been one to hold a grudge, but people can change. If I make the decision not to go, I'll have to wait and see! I'll definitely have my partner there for the conversation. I don't think they'd see him as interfering, but I would want him there for support regardless.


Thank you to everyone for your comments. They are extremely helpful and it's great to get different points of view

trailingspouse

What to say to the sister?
'I'm sorry I'll not be able to make it to your wedding, but I'll come to your next one.'

Out,_Vile_Jelly

I'd have viewed it as a trip of a lifetime to one of the most stunning places on the planet, with a wedding tacked on. But if you have debts then they should be prioritised.

Note that once in NZ you can travel quite cheaply by staying in hostels (private rooms still good value), eating at Asian markets and checking public transport deals (I travelled from Auckland to the Bay of Islands by InterCity bus for 1 NZD a few years ago). So if your financial circumstances change in terms of the airfare, you could still look into it.

acp94

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I'd have viewed it as a trip of a lifetime to one of the most stunning places on the planet, with a wedding tacked on. But if you have debts then they should be prioritised.

Note that once in NZ you can travel quite cheaply by staying in hostels (private rooms still good value), eating at Asian markets and checking public transport deals (I travelled from Auckland to the Bay of Islands by InterCity bus for 1 NZD a few years ago). So if your financial circumstances change in terms of the airfare, you could still look into it.

I do agree, it would be an incredible experience. However, it's something I would want to experience with my partner, and regardless of whether I was able to save to go I know he wouldn't be able to save and we wouldn't be able to save for us both either.

In terms of the cheapness, it will be a bit difficult as the wedding is being held in quite a remote area so the only accommodation I would be able to stay in is very nearby, otherwise travelling would be required and it would require hire cars/taxis which just adds to the costs.

gettingtheresometime

I think, unlike many of the posts where people are feeling arm twisted to go to a wedding abroad, this is a slightly different situation as the person getting married is actually living in the place that they are getting married in....presumably the person she is marrying is a New Zealander?


If you decide not to go - and tbh I think you've already made up your mind - then have the conversation with your parents & sister, sooner rather than later.

Red-Squirrel_2

acp94 wrote: »

Plus, I shouldn't have to postpone the wedding I want, because my sister wants to marry abroad.

To be fair to your sister she lives in Australia and is getting married in New Zealand. It’s not like she lives here and is wanting to get married on the other side of the world for the fun of it.

I’m sure you would have anyway, but bear in mind that if anybody declines to attend your wedding for similar reasons you will have to be very gracious about it!

mattpaint

I suspect you should just be honest and tell your family your sister isn't important enough to you to put off paying your debts. That's the real issue here.