Woman’s agenda

NeilCr

Katy76 wrote: »

Absolutely agree. And my partner has several other female friends colleagues past/present that he is close to and sees socially. I have no problem at all with it. I also have/had no problem at all with him cycling with this woman. I understand what you are saying - that if she pursues him that is his problem not mine. However, to me if someone is actively pursuing my partner who is supposed to be their friend, that is disrespectful to me and it is disrespectful to our relationship. What kind of friendship is it where that is happening? What you are describing are normal friendships where someone isn't pursuing the other. My boyfriend has plenty of those. I trust my partner not to cheat but I still think appropriate boundaries need to be in place.

But. You don't know she's pursuing him. There have been enough reasonable explanations of what the texts may mean. And, he's shown them to you. To be honest he sounds a decent, sorted guy who could, if it looked like getting problematic, deal with it.

Katy76

No I don't but you don't know she isn't. I was merely responding to your post that you weren't taking things into account (things that may or may not be applicable in my situation).

hazyjo

It's a subject not everyone will agree on. Some think trust overrides everything, others like me have had not just their fingers burnt but their whole bloody arms where they'd have put their life on their husband not cheating (in fact, my ex-husband would prob have put the same bet on himself!). I would never in a million years have bet on my mum seeing someone else, nor my dad.


Katy, you do what feels right for you. All I will say is trust your instincts and gut feeling. Women should do it more. You don't have to have a row, or warn her off, just tell your husband calmly.


I am dealing with a close friend at the moment who is in absolute bits and utterly heartbroken as her 46 year old husband (complete love of her life) has gone off with some 24 year old. He'd even invited (just) her round for dinner to meet his wife last year (my mate)! Never had him down as a cheater either... not exactly a ladies man or jack the lad.


I do appreciate I've had REALLY bad experiences myself and a couple of my close friends. Not saying everyone will be tempted, but it's just that thing of forming a close friendship with the opposite sex. It quite often goes further as people fall in love...

NeilCr

Katy76 wrote: »

No I don't but you don't know she isn't. I was merely responding to your post that you weren't taking things into account (things that may or may not be applicable in my situation).

Sure. I get that.

I was talking, generally, really and responding to various posts through the thread.

But. I would trust my partner to deal with it whatever may, or may not, happen

Hazyjo and I have different views on this (borne by different experiences, mostly)
I would say, though, that having had a relationship with a non truster and jealous lady it was an absolute nightmare! However, I do agree with her second paragraph. If it's causing you a concern speak quietly to your husband about it.

Katy76

Thanks I appreciate your posts

MovingForwards

I was reading it and didnt have any comment either way until I saw the run of texts. I can understand why your OH is uncomfortable and it is good that he had a feeling.

No one would suggest to a female to carry on with a situation if it felt uncomfortable, so it is not acceptable to your OH either. It is good he felt comfortable showing you.

There are plenty if cycling groups around the UK and perhaps your OH could join a couple so he gets out doing something he enjoys/finds relaxing and pull away from his newly found workmate.

Loz01

Seems a bit odd bc of how she's worded it - if I were meeting a male friend (which I do have with absolutely no romantic inclination towards lmao) and they cancelled on me I might text something like "Ok no problem! See you soon" or something but it sounded a bit more than that by what she said. Good he showed you tho.

Red-Squirrel_2

hazyjo wrote: »

It's a subject not everyone will agree on. Some think trust overrides everything, others like me have had not just their fingers burnt but their whole bloody arms where they'd have put their life on their husband not cheating (in fact, my ex-husband would prob have put the same bet on himself!). I would never in a million years have bet on my mum seeing someone else, nor my dad.


Katy, you do what feels right for you. All I will say is trust your instincts and gut feeling. Women should do it more. You don't have to have a row, or warn her off, just tell your husband calmly.


I am dealing with a close friend at the moment who is in absolute bits and utterly heartbroken as her 46 year old husband (complete love of her life) has gone off with some 24 year old. He'd even invited (just) her round for dinner to meet his wife last year (my mate)! Never had him down as a cheater either... not exactly a ladies man or jack the lad.


I do appreciate I've had REALLY bad experiences myself and a couple of my close friends. Not saying everyone will be tempted, but it's just that thing of forming a close friendship with the opposite sex. It quite often goes further as people fall in love...

I get where you're coming from, but if your partner is going to be tempted and will cheat if a willing accomplice makes themselves available, well, there's no future there is there anyway? You can't spend the relationship trying to rein them in and control whether they get opportunity to act on their urges or not, can you? If they want to cheat and are willing to cheat, its doomed, isn't it?

onlyroz

Well I sometimes go swimming with my male work colleagues at lunch time and it most certainly is just for exercise. Going with somebody else, and having a rough sort of schedule to do it, often provides people with the motivation to go at all.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

Jo-jo I think that is seriously bad advice. katy is concerned, she can't just ignore it, you sound like you have a lot of misplaced faith in women.

If somebody is going to cheat, it doesn't matter what anybody does, they will find a way to cheat. They're fully grown adults, not helpless innocents being kidnapped or twisted up in spells by witches and magicians.

The Other Woman in those cases, for want of a better description, isn't the one choosing to cheat (if they even know that he's got a wife in the first place). You could argue that they shouldn't have been interested (I know I never fancied making do with leftovers), but if somebody is mentally/emotionally able and ready to cheat on their partner, all declining achieves is the deed being done with somebody else a short time later.


So there is no point getting stressed, anxious and worried about it - they're human beings, not dogs that need a remedial obedience class or a few angry tantrums and tears to scare/guilt them into not interacting with women outside the home.


I've been sad to lose a couple of friends because their partners pulled the choke chain. There wouldn't have been anything I could have said to make them feel better about it - and I'm not really in the business of telling anybody that, whilst I think he's funny, smart or a great musician, the notion of sleeping with their partner would make me nauseous. As it was, whilst I fully understood why they felt it was necessary to follow their partners' wishes, I did feel it to be insulting to me and the guys concerned that we could only be interested in what the other said or found them funny, engaging or a great musician it was a pleasure to gig with if there was a side offer of sex involved. It didn't end well for either, as the control and lack of trust didn't strengthen their relationships - it weakened them.


I don't think I'm the only female who isn't particularly interested in what men have in their pants whether or not I already have a partner - and I doubt that all men are vulnerable little angels who are helpless if a big, bad woman decides to bewitch the poor manchildren.