Woman’s agenda

hazyjo

Comms69 wrote: »

Why would someone have to fancy someone else, to be friends? I really don't understand the logic. I will agree that your theory will be sometimes true, but to say that it's always the case seems to be a stretch

Not saying one has to fancy the other to be friends, just that IMO it always seems to be the case. Or there's history. I can't think of an example with me, my friend or family where it's not the case. Not saying sue me if I'm wrong, I'm sure it's not the case for everyone, it's just what I believe I'm talking about regular one-to-one nights/days out with close friends, not a group of mixed friends or work colleagues.


I think there's a big difference between being friends, and being close friends who see each other together outside of work (if we're talking about work friends). If my OH started seeing a woman from work on weekends without me and she was single, I would not like it at all.


My friend got married this month who met her husband cycling (in their 40s and 50s). I don't think it's less intimate than going wine tasting or whale watching if that's what you're both into. Was trying to say where do you draw the line? Can you say cycling is okay, but no to other things? A friend's husband got pally with a girl at work. He used to go over to her house at weekends, met her parents on their farm... my friend was SO uncomfortable with it (and us as her friends all thought the same). The girl eventually moved to Australia. I'm not sure if anything happened. Her husband really doesn't seem the type and maybe was oblivious to it all (I've known him over 30 years and her for nearly 40). But I'm 99.9% sure she was after him.

Comms69

hazyjo wrote: »

Not saying one has to fancy the other to be friends, just that IMO it always seems to be the case. Or there's history. I can't think of an example with me, my friend or family where it's not the case. Not saying sue me if I'm wrong, I'm sure it's not the case for everyone, it's just what I believe I'm talking about regular one-to-one nights/days out with close friends, not a group of mixed friends or work colleagues.


I think there's a big difference between being friends, and being close friends who see each other together outside of work (if we're talking about work friends). If my OH started seeing a woman from work on weekends without me and she was single, I would not like it at all. Not having a go, but earlier you said it's weird to have friends who has a partner too; so where does that leave you?


My friend got married this month who met her husband cycling (in their 40s and 50s). I don't think it's less intimate than going wine tasting or whale watching if that's what you're both into. Was trying to say where do you draw the line? Can you say cycling is okay, but no to other things? A friend's husband got pally with a girl at work. He used to go over to her house at weekends, met her parents on their farm... my friend was SO uncomfortable with it (and us as her friends all thought the same). The girl eventually moved to Australia. I'm not sure if anything happened. Her husband really doesn't seem the type and maybe was oblivious to it all (I've known him over 30 years and her for nearly 40). But I'm 99.9% sure she was after him.

so much so that she moved across the world?


I think perhaps you're expecting there to be much more sexual tension than actually exists in real life.

alleycat`

hazyjo wrote: »

'I shall be ready for you x'?


She's after him. Absolutely no doubt from me. But then I'm cynical LOL.

Normally i'd tend to agree with your train of thought but i've used that exact comment with some of the women in the running group i'm a part of (and a couple of the blokes too - possibly without the x on the end (but that's quite a social norm these days for people to add it)).

In my context it was meant as "we've missed a run, this time i'm going to be ready for when you push hard or push me on distance". (Yes quite a few of them are better runners than me).

Out of context it probably sounds quite iffy but It's more than possible all she meant was i'll be ready for whatever pace / distance you've set.

I've run individually with group members (both male and female of all sorts of ages) there's no ulterior motive for me other than it's a lot better than running on my own.

Some of us do have general social "chit chat" via messenger or text not unlike those messages.

I don't think it's 100% possible to segregate totally something you do with someone and your "other" life, especially if they are going to be doing this 1 on 1.

I refuse to believe they cycle for however far they go and don't chat to each other along the way. This could be a natural extension of someone talking to a "mate" and catching up after not seeing them for a week.



I could be 100% wrong and she's going to jump him in the countryside but the pair of them having a chat about it (they're both grownups after all) seems more sensible than speculating on an internet forum

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Many people are just a lot more "needy" on their phones, ie send multiple banal texts as a matter of course; always having to have the last word. I personally wouldn't read too much into it.

warby68

The texts do seem a bit 'pushy' for a brand new acquaintance.

However there are people who make instant best friends out of others and another possible angle is that, at 20 years his senior, she sees it as 'safe' to be chatty with him rather than threatening. Not all women are cougars with younger men.

It could be any of the possibilities and I don't think there is enough to say anything for certain but surely now his radar is on alert he will be able to see how the land lies next time they meet and act accordingly. He's 32 - I'm sure he'll know the signs.

Stoke

I think if it was me (I'm a male by the way), I would cut it short now before she gets hurt and the relationship gets unpleasant/complicated. If there's one thing I've learnt the hard way (repeatedly), you can be almost 'too nice' in trying to avoid hurting someones feelings and then hurt them a lot more later down the line. They could still be friends if he kills it now, but if he doesn't, it will only end badly.

This happened with me about 10 years ago. I became friends with a female who I had known from high school. We went on nights out together and went to the cinema, football, pub and for food etc (as friends) and we shared a drunken kiss after a few too many one night. Up to that point, I had always seen her as just a good friend and although we were both single, there was never any discussion of us two being anything other than just buddies.... we often talked about other people we were interested in, so it always felt like a mutual 'friends-only' (with no benefits) situation. I totally brushed it off and even joked with her about it, and it seemed reciprocal. However, she was hiding the fact she had feelings. I think deep down, with the benefit of hindsight though, I knew that, but didn't want to hurt her. She said things that friends don't usually say (a bit like your example) but I was too naive to straighten out the situation, so said nothing and made no attempt to shut down any of the questionable comments.

I let it fester and continue, and then it went too far and it became blindingly obvious and needed to be dealt with. I explained to her that I didn't want anything else with her and it not only hurt her but completely destroyed our friendship. I suspect she feels as though I led her on and I probably did, but it was completely unintentional and it was only because I saw her as a friend and wanted to continue that friendship. I think had I been clearer in the beginning, she might have been a little hurt but nothing catastrophic and she would have got over it in a few days and we would have remained friends. Instead, we now don't speak at all and barely even cross eyes if we see each other in a bar.

hazyjo

Thanks for sharing, Stoke.


Perhaps I've had similar experiences - not just me, but friends and family (including my mum and my dad). Don't underestimate how flattering it is to have someone fancy you and flirt with you. No matter how much you trust someone.


Comms - which bit? I'm getting confused lol! Do you mean me and my male friend, or did you think I meant I can't have a female friend who has a partner?! To clarify, for example, if some new bloke started at work and we got on well, there's no way I'd see him on a weekend (that's with me being in a relationship, but even if I was single and he was with someone, I still wouldn't dream of it! No way will his missus like that!).


The girl at my friend's husband's work went back to Oz. Maybe it's because he blew her out, maybe she was going back anyway, maybe something happened and he said he wouldn't leave his wife... absolutely no idea. My friend did find slightly worrying emails on his computer to her and he then added a password so she didn't see any more. Was over ten years ago and I can't remember the ins and outs, but think it was along the lines of missing each other. He still claims nothing ever happened (but then so did my first husband who was shagging his secretary!).

Red-Squirrel_2

The way I see it, if you trust your partner then this isn’t actually your problem. It’s only an issue for you if you don’t. Or, I suppose, if your trust turns out to be misplaced.

This is more of an issue for your partner and it’s nothing to do with your relationship it’s about maintaining a professional working relationship with this woman and he should probably post it in the employment section!

NeilCr

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

The way I see it, if you trust your partner then this isn’t actually your problem. It’s only an issue for you if you don’t. Or, I suppose, if your trust turns out to be misplaced.

!

Quite. I can't see the point of a relationship without trust.

We'd never look at each other's phones without agreement. Nor do we worry about who the other person is with - or, indeed, what they are doing. But we are open and honest with each other about what we've been up to. Of course it is flattering being flirted with - especially by someone attractive. It doesn't mean that anything will happen

I've got a few friends who are natural flirts - both Male and female - they can't help it!

If my partner told me she'd got a new male friend and was going to have a drink with him on Saturday it really wouldn't bother me. I'd be pleased for her - always good to meet different people with different attitudes. I meet some of my female friends one on one socially and my partner is, absolutely, fine with it. She likes catching up on the gossip!

I guess, as has been said, our experiences form our opinions. But - for sure - I wouldn't be in a relationship without trust.

Katy76

NeilCr wrote: »

Quite. I can't see the point of a relationship without trust.

We'd never look at each other's phones without agreement. Nor do we worry about who the other person is with - or, indeed, what they are doing. But we are open and honest with each other about what we've been up to. Of course it is flattering being flirted with - especially by someone attractive. It doesn't mean that anything will happen

I've got a few friends who are natural flirts - both Male and female - they can't help it!

If my partner told me she'd got a new male friend and was going to have a drink with him on Saturday it really wouldn't bother me. I'd be pleased for her - always good to meet different people with different attitudes. I meet some of my female friends one on one socially and my partner is, absolutely, fine with it. She likes catching up on the gossip!

I guess, as has been said, our experiences form our opinions. But - for sure - I wouldn't be in a relationship without trust.

Absolutely agree. And my partner has several other female friends colleagues past/present that he is close to and sees socially. I have no problem at all with it. I also have/had no problem at all with him cycling with this woman. I understand what you are saying - that if she pursues him that is his problem not mine. However, to me if someone is actively pursuing my partner who is supposed to be their friend, that is disrespectful to me and it is disrespectful to our relationship. What kind of friendship is it where that is happening? What you are describing are normal friendships where someone isn't pursuing the other. My boyfriend has plenty of those. I trust my partner not to cheat but I still think appropriate boundaries need to be in place.