Son doesn't seem to care

Mummy2cheekymonkeys

Completely agree with others. My sister and brother in law are the same. They are always getting bailed out so they continue to make the same mistakes over and over as they never have to actually suffer the consequences of their actions. I got into credit card debt when living at home but I refused to tell my parents about it. I wored extra hours, paid it all off and having suffered for it I now refuse to be in that situation again. My dad always told me when I was younger not to get a credit card but you have to learn by your own mistakes. If you pay his debts for him and he never has to worry he will never learn his lesson. Good luck.

Fireflyaway

I'd be annoyed if my parents opened my mail. I don't think you should be doing that, he is an adult.
From experience I'd say ensure he has the right into to make informed choices. I never did as a young person. I didn't understand debt, the cost of living or the impact debt can have. Sounds stupid now but I was very sheltered growing up. I was first offered an overdraft by the bank. The advisor told me it would be useful. Then next was a credit card and finally a loan. I was told I worked hard and deserved a treat. No joke that's what I was told by good old HSBC and as a naive 20 something I went along with it. sure I was the stupid one who said yes but I didn't have another opinion of really think about the longer term consequences. debt is also so common and not taboo like it used to be. You can buy anything on credit and many young people have never experienced the pride of saving for something.
Once he knows the consequences it's up to him to do what he wants. Sometimes you have to mess up and suffer a bit to change your behaviour. Make it clear you won't help him pay it back but don't have him. It might be a bad choice but it's his choice. It's not worth talking out over.
Having said that I'm guessing this debt doesn't impact his standard of living? Maybe one day he will naturally want to change when he has to chose between buying food or a pair of trainers. Looking back I am ashamed how much money I wasted living at home!

Marvel1

1. Stop opening his mail.

2. Leave him to it in regards to debt, do not pay any of it off or gift money for a house - he wants it then he has to save for it.

barbiedoll

OP, this will resolve itself within a few months.

Don’t bail him out any more. Don’t open his mail, it’s none of your business. If he’s in arrears with credit cards and catalogues, sooner or later he’ll default on his repayments. Then his credit rating will be ruined, he’ll have no chance of any credit for the next few years and, as a bonus for your wife, he’ll be living at home a lot longer than planned! Still....at least his housekeeping money will still be coming your way for a while. You do ask him to pay towards his keep, don’t you? (I bet we all know the answer to this!)

Just let him know what’s going to happen to him, so it won’t be too much of a nasty surprise. Maybe show him the “Debt free wannabe” board, so he knows what’s coming?

tacpot12

I think his Mum needs to watch "Can't pay, we'll take it away!" If the baliffs come knocking, does she want her stuff seized or have to bail him out yet again?

ska_lover

OP i know others are saying you shouldn't have opened the mail, but I understand why you did

If i was in your shoes, having already bailed him out, and seeing something that looks like a demand letter (and knowing his past form etc) I would have opened it too as this situation would make me very nervous

The way I see it is, if the bailiffs turn up one day, you need to know..You need to know the debt he is in whilst he is under your roof because if it starts getting passed to those debt companies, and the debt doubles, and the bailiffs end up at the door - you are probably going to end up paying it anyway

What if the Bailiffs turned up one day whilst you were at work, and you are completely unaware of the situation?? They can and will take stuff that Son cannot prove is his with receipts. I know this happens from experience

I do not think you have overparented so far, I think you are wise to want to know what he is possibly dragging your household in to

Going forwards, he needs to learn. And he won't learn whilst being bailed out.

And he cannot keep bringing debt to your door. It does seem that he is not learning and the only way for him to learn is to learn the hard way

I am not sure why mum is so keen on him not leaving TBH, hes 21 and he is going to leave at some point - and it does seem to have reached that stage

In your situation I would be looking to help him get a flat. I would pay a rental deposit, and then completely financially distance myself. DO NOT GUARANTOR FOR HIM - as you know he is pants with money

I mean it is not just the debt thing, it is time really as an adult he got independent even without this debt issue . You are right to not want to throw him out, just help him get set up in a place of his own, and back off (financially speaking)

Just to add, if you do bail him out again, you are enabling his behaviour cos it gets to the point where they dont worry about the circumstances, just think oh well parents will bail me out, and then it moves on from making a silly mistake when you are young (like a lot of us have) into manipulation

Hope this helps

Ergates

To all those saying "Don't open his mail".
From the OP:

And yes i did open his mail after i asked him.

He had the son's permission.

Comms69

Ergates wrote: »

To all those saying "Don't open his mail".
From the OP:

He had the son's permission.

Doesn’t change anything though, still treating him like a child

ska_lover

Comms69 wrote: »

Doesn’t change anything though, still treating him like a child

I see what you are saying Comms but son is acting like one, a child. (in this instance, although seems responsible in other ways, job etc)

I can understand the reasoning though, IMO Dad has every right to know what Son is potentially dragging the whole house hold into if Bailiffs turn up one day, as Son is hiding things..it won't be Son who ends up paying up when the debt gets doubled or trebled whilst burying his head in the sand, it'll be Dad - who has worked hard to not be in debt

I would have done it (opened the letter), and not feel apologetic about it either - if Son wants privacy, he can always move out (sounds really harsh when I say it like that) but living in parents home, there will always be that dynamic..and if a person acts like an irresponsible child with no respect for anyone else and literally throws the previous help back in their face, well he don't deserve to be treated any different than he is acting

BrassicWoman

Wat incentive does the son have to start caring?