Son doesn't seem to care

phil1970s

Hi just like to tell you about a predicament we find ourselves with our son. He lives at home and has his own car.
He left school went straight into work with an apprenticeship., served his time and is still working full time as he has for the last 5 years. Really proud of his work ethic and just wish he could manage his money.
Over the last two years he seems to be getting behind in his credit cards payments and catologe.
We have tried to explain and show him how to manage his money but it must go through one ear and out the other.
He's 21, a young man and should beable to manage his life by now.
Me and his mum have never been in debit except for our mortgage which is now paid after 22 years.
We payed his debit off, it wasn't thousands but it was around 1800. After going mad at him. His mum paid his credit card and catologe off. And i paid for repairs MOT and his insurance for the car. We done this for his 21st birthday. We had already arranged for a long weekend break for his birthday surprise. This was last month. Everything payed off no debit car sorted and a little holiday to look forward too for him and his girlfriend.
This morning we just opened letters from a catologe and credit card company. Saying he is in arrears and owes hundreds again. Am gutted thought he'd learnt. Spoke to him at lunch time and he just thobbed us off saying he will leave and sort it himself.
Now his mums going mad at me.
Is there anyway i can stop him legally getting credit to this house while he's living under this roof by blocking his name etc from the address.
I dont want to throw him onto the streets he's my son. I just want him to wake up and switch on.
He's making me mad. Spolit him too much growing up.
Thanks any advice would be appreciated.

Comms69

phil1970s wrote: »

Hi just like to tell you about a predicament we find ourselves with our son. He lives at home and has his own car.
He left school went straight into work with an apprenticeship., served his time and is still working full time as he has for the last 5 years. Really proud of his work ethic and just wish he could manage his money.
Over the last two years he seems to be getting behind in his credit cards payments and catologe.
We have tried to explain and show him how to manage his money but it must go through one ear and out the other.
He's 21, a young man and should beable to manage his life by now.
Me and his mum have never been in debit except for our mortgage which is now paid after 22 years.
We payed his debit off, it wasn't thousands but it was around 1800. After going mad at him. His mum paid his credit card and catologe off. And i paid for repairs MOT and his insurance for the car. We done this for his 21st birthday. We had already arranged for a long weekend break for his birthday surprise. This was last month. Everything payed off no debit car sorted and a little holiday to look forward too for him and his girlfriend.
This morning we just opened letters from a catologe and credit card company. Saying he is in arrears and owes hundreds again. Am gutted thought he'd learnt. Spoke to him at lunch time and he just thobbed us off saying he will leave and sort it himself.
Now his mums going mad at me.
Is there anyway i can stop him legally getting credit to this house while he's living under this roof by blocking his name etc from the address.
I dont want to throw him onto the streets he's my son. I just want him to wake up and switch on.
He's making me mad. Spolit him too much growing up.
Thanks any advice would be appreciated.

First - Stop opening his mail. I mean come on! You expect him to behave like an adult and treat him like a child!


Credit is never applied to a house, so you're being ridiculous.


Perhaps you should get advice BEFORE going mad next time?...


In any case, sounds like he's ready to move out, so support him with that.

spadoosh

Short of kicking him out theres little you can do.

It appears hes got few responsibilities and parents who will shout at him and bail him out.

I did exactly the same as your son (i spent £2000 in freshers week, on nothing that i could physically hold without the use of a bucket, ive been told it was a good week though! :cool:)

My parents helped me out a few times. Then they stopped helping me out, suddenly my debt was my problem, the debt slowed and eventually stopped. My desires became more in line with my purchasing power. My priorities changed.

Then a kid came along and took anything i had to repeat the cycle for the next generation.

74jax

phil1970s wrote: »

Over the last two years he seems to be getting behind in his credit cards payments and catologe.
We payed his debit off, it wasn't thousands but it was around 1800.And i paid for repairs MOT and his insurance for the car. We done this for his 21st birthday.


This morning we just opened letters from a catologe and credit card company. Saying he is in arrears and owes hundreds again. Am gutted thought he'd learnt. Spoke to him at lunch time and he just thobbed us off saying he will leave and sort it himself.



Now his mums going mad at me.

When you say you thought he had learnt, do you mean sat him down and explained everything, he took it in and understood?, as from what you have put it reads as though you did it as a gift for his birthday?


What is his mum saying to you? Were the items he has purchased for you? I'm not sure why she is going mad at you?


Do you open his mail or had he shown you? It seems he may be 21 but you are still very much in his financial life. Have you paid debts off in the past?


Does he want to 'learn' or is he happy buying things and you paying off the debts for his birthday etc?

Grenage

He'll never learn getting bailed out; let the boat sink and he'll see the error of his ways.

Ames

You can't make him change or realise his mistakes until he's ready.

As long as he's not whining at you and badgering you for cash then it's none of your business.

You describe him as a young man, but then treat him as a child. You need to accept he's a man not a child, and as such he's allowed to make his own mistakes. In fact, that's part of becoming an adult.

phil1970s

Yes we have explained properly to him so it seemed a few times. And yes he has been in debit before.
Just before his birthday was the last time we found he wasn't managing his debit so agreed to pay it for him so he wouldn't be in arrears. And told him it was a birthday present and it was the last time.
His mum just doesnt want him to leave so shes upset with me for going mad at him.
As for him buying me things with his card or off the catologe, were lucky if we get a birthday card.
And yes i did open his mail after i asked him.
Reading the replies its time to stop mothering him and let him live his own life i think.
Thanks for opening my eye's.

Comms69

phil1970s wrote: »

Yes we have explained properly to him so it seemed a few times. And yes he has been in debit before.
Just before his birthday was the last time we found he wasn't managing his debit so agreed to pay it for him so he wouldn't be in arrears. And told him it was a birthday present and it was the last time.
His mum just doesnt want him to leave so shes upset with me for going mad at him.
As for him buying me things with his card or off the catologe, were lucky if we get a birthday card.
And yes i did open his mail after i asked him.
Reading the replies its time to stop mothering him and let him live his own life i think.
Thanks for opening my eye's.

Don't use the word debit. It just means to take out money. EG Direct Debit.


You've not had credit in the past (that's credit as in borrowed money) so you don't understand the ins and outs. Whilst it's perfectly reasonable decision for yourselves; he's going a different route. He'll be fine. There's no such thing as debtors jail anymore

maman

I'm assuming his mother's mad at you because he's threatening to leave.


He may leave, he may not, that will probably depend on how mad he is with you for opening his mail. I know if it was me I'd be furious. Nobody opens my mail but me not even my DH. He may realise that by leaving and having to pay for himself to live elsewhere he's cutting off his nose to spite his face.


Personally, I'd apologise to him for opening his mail and explain how sad and disappointed you are that he's running up debts again when you and his mother had cleared them for him. Tell him you'd hoped that because you'd given him a fresh start he'd behave more responsibly with money from now on.


Then agree with him that it's his choice but in the longer term if he wants finance for a house or a car or to save the deposit to rent he's going to have to be more responsible with money. Tell him to get back to you for advice (but not money) if you can help at all then sit back and let him try and deal with it. It's a hard lesson but be grateful that it's not worse. He has a job, he's young, he has no responsibilities and it could be something far worse than catalogues he was spending on.:)

spadoosh

Send him our way, well give him the [STRIKE]bashing[/STRIKE] help he needs!

Grezz24

maybe the mum not wanting him to move out is part of the problem,

time for him to learn to stand on his own 2 feet.