Marriage feels like a gamble, what's the point?

Skintski

It is a gamble as with anything in life. I’ve done it once and got bitten, would I do it again? Never say never but tbh I don’t really see the point. If you’re happy then why do you need a bit of paper to tell you that?

moneyistooshorttomention

Skintski wrote: »

It is a gamble as with anything in life. I’ve done it once and got bitten, would I do it again? Never say never but tbh I don’t really see the point. If you’re happy then why do you need a bit of paper to tell you that?

I see your point in some ways - but, personally, I would have always wanted the "bit of paper" too if I'd ever got that serious about a man. If they (or you) are going to wander anyway, then a "bit of paper" won't stop that happening - but imo it shows a serious degree of commitment to the relationship and there's a better chance that you'll both "make an effort and try".

pinkshoes

If you're married there is more incentive to work harder at your relationship.

I see so many relationships fail because people take each other for granted. They just ASSUME it will work because you are married or have a kid. Er... WRONG. Relationships are hard work, but the hard work is worth it.

Mr Pinkshoes and I have been together 9 years and married for 5. Neither of us are perfect, but it works. We're happy.

Personally I think a good marriage means doing your own thing and having your own interests as well as having each other.

Skintski

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I see your point in some ways - but, personally, I would have always wanted the "bit of paper" too if I'd ever got that serious about a man. If they (or you) are going to wander anyway, then a "bit of paper" won't stop that happening - but imo it shows a serious degree of commitment to the relationship and there's a better chance that you'll both "make an effort and try".

If it’s commitment you want then buy a house together, from experience it’s more challenging to get out of a mortgage than a marriage these days.

moneyistooshorttomention

pinkshoes wrote: »

If you're married there is more incentive to work harder at your relationship.

I see so many relationships fail because people take each other for granted. They just ASSUME it will work because you are married or have a kid. Er... WRONG. Relationships are hard work, but the hard work is worth it.

Mr Pinkshoes and I have been together 9 years and married for 5. Neither of us are perfect, but it works. We're happy.

Personally I think a good marriage means doing your own thing and having your own interests as well as having each other.

Agreed:T

Personally - I think having a similar set of values & manners to each other must help a lot. Remembers a particular incident of an ex thinking it was funny to stand there and tip a pint of beer over his head - whilst I stood there feeling embarrassed and thinking that I'd never even heard of doing anything like that before (it was one of the death knells of that particular relationship....).

I can't see a relationship working long-term for instance if one of you thinks it's okay to make money whatever way comes up (regardless of whether it is moral or no/involves very long hours or no), whilst the other person will take into account moral considerations as to how that money is obtained and want a reasonable work/life balance.

Probably a similar level of openness (or otherwise) would be a good idea too. One secretive/restrained partner and the other one open/says what they think & feel wouldnt sound like a very good bet to me either and I think they'd both have to be similar in that respect.

Pollycat

JamesFuller wrote: »

It seems like more and more marriages are failing.

Some end after 3-4 years, some after 7-10 years, and even heard of ones that end after 20+ years.

What it leaves is usually a heartache and lots of financial mess by the sound of things.

So what's the point of doing marriages in the modern world? It feels like taking a gamble. You might like / love the person now but it's not guaranteed.

And for good and bad reasons there is more choice available now to stray or find someone new if things get rocky.

I am not being critical of marriages, it's a great dream and a great way to raise a happy family with kids but it seems depressing how quickly people break-up these days.

If you don't want to take the risk, then don't.


You do seem to have an excessive amount of angst about relationships generally, as opposed to specifically related to you.

Comms69

My 2 pennies worth.


Just been dumped (so to speak), not married kids involved.


The problem is or was built over years (well problemS! actually) - a marriage certificate wouldn't have changed that.


In short a reluctance on my part to address certain things about myself and a reluctance on her part to address things about the relationship.


I'd like to think that given time we might resolve things but a relationship is more than just a piece of paper. Neither of us was particularly keen on marriage, it's about commitment, trust, communication and independence.


Unfortunately I agree that these days there is more temptation (not a reason for the break up), social acceptance of multi family setups (not keen on it myself but), and more stress and pressure on relationships to do more than many can manage.


Work, finances, expectations, household jobs - in my experience very little time and energy to keep things fresh.

fibonarchie

JamesFuller wrote: »

It seems like more and more marriages are failing.

Some end after 3-4 years, some after 7-10 years, and even heard of ones that end after 20+ years.

What it leaves is usually a heartache and lots of financial mess by the sound of things.

So what's the point of doing marriages in the modern world? It feels like taking a gamble. You might like / love the person now but it's not guaranteed.

And for good and bad reasons there is more choice available now to stray or find someone new if things get rocky.

I am not being critical of marriages, it's a great dream and a great way to raise a happy family with kids but it seems depressing how quickly people break-up these days.

She wants to be a princess for a day, but doesn't much like the: for richer for poorer, for better for worse, in sickness and in health aspect to it.

SuperHan

Just to add a different perspective... If you're not going to last forever, it may make even more sense to get married.


Before we were married, my husband and I managed our finances entirely jointly - we jointly own a flat, we pooled all of our income and expenditure and we made career decisions based on our joint household position. Our savings (and any debts) are in a multitude of joint and sole name accounts. If we had children, this would even more so be the case (he would likely stop working to look after children, thus hugely reducing his own income and living off my income).


If we were to split up as an unmarried couple, we would have very few legal rights in divvying up our assets. However, now that we are married, we both know that there is a legal 50:50 starting point. If either of us die, we will inherit the others assets and pensions (with inheritance tax benefits). He will be my next of kin in making medical decisions etc etc etc.


I am not a romantic, but looking at marriage from a legal perspective I am a big believer of you should marry the person you are building your life with - regardless of whether it will last forever or not - because it gives that relationship a legal status. That legal status may end, and you may take up another legal relationship with another person.


(Although I say this, all of my familial relationships are the 20+ year kind of relationship, and I firmly believe I will be with my husband forever and now that we've made that commitment I will absolutely be more dedicated to working any issues with him - but this then for me leads into a civil partnership vs marriage debate for heterosexual couples)

NineDeuce

Another thing to consider is that you might be a complete nightmare too.....