should i bother telling OH ?

BartGirl

Dinah:
thank you for your kind kind words.
Even just reading them makes me feel so low and pathetic like 'how could i let myself get that low??'
I have tried and tried so hard but still feel worn down with it all.

I've lost loadsa weight thru the stress and worry of it all and he's told me that i'm less attractive to him - and that if i'd like him home more often i should pile it back on..?? i've gone from a 12 to a 10. Thats all.

The irony is that he'd lost weight too, and started saying that everyone would know his wife doesnt feed him properly - so he'd have dinner out, then come and eat again at home to start piling it on again, and then he'd blame me for having spent his money on eating out and that it was my fault cos he's not fed well at home..

He's also critical that i dont make an effort with myself around the house anymore, and thats true - i dont, but then again i dont want his advances to be quite honest..

I could go on and on..i'm just exhausted with it all..i think i need to find a book on self-esteem or something so that i can re-learn how to be a Strong Black Woman once again..cos i seriously feel battered down 100%

Keeping_Positive

Will pray for you. Youve shown you have stength in your posts so I hope your believe in yourself to go that extra step. You never know if you do leave your OH may be shocked into growing up?! I do think the longer you stay the more it will affect your son as well as you.

sooz

Can you try some marriage counselling? Speak to your GP about how you are feeling. Or call RELATE. It would be a good step to take before leaving...if that is what you really want to do. You do need to both go.

Do you have a joint account? It might be easier to pool all your resources, and budget from a joint account. Then it's your 'joint' money, not just 'mine' or 'yours'. (please only do this after you have agreed a joint budget though)

I totally agree with the other posters about charity shops clothes for children. Particulary is you go shopping in a nice area, you can find some fabulous stuff for them, since all children grow out of clothes so quickly.

conradmum

BartGirl wrote: »

Dinah:
thank you for your kind kind words.
Even just reading them makes me feel so low and pathetic like 'how could i let myself get that low??'
I have tried and tried so hard but still feel worn down with it all.

I've lost loadsa weight thru the stress and worry of it all and he's told me that i'm less attractive to him - and that if i'd like him home more often i should pile it back on..?? i've gone from a 12 to a 10. Thats all.

The irony is that he'd lost weight too, and started saying that everyone would know his wife doesnt feed him properly - so he'd have dinner out, then come and eat again at home to start piling it on again, and then he'd blame me for having spent his money on eating out and that it was my fault cos he's not fed well at home..

He's also critical that i dont make an effort with myself around the house anymore, and thats true - i dont, but then again i dont want his advances to be quite honest..

I could go on and on..i'm just exhausted with it all..i think i need to find a book on self-esteem or something so that i can re-learn how to be a Strong Black Woman once again..cos i seriously feel battered down 100%

Oh you poor thing. I think you feel battered down because he has been battering you down, verbally at least.
Constant criticism and wearing away of a person's self esteem is abuse, pure and simple.
Get out, my dear, as soon as you can. I know how hard it is, as a lot of people on here do, but you have to for your sake and your child's.
You are far far better than him and you will cope, believe me. If you can't get him to leave, is there a friend you can stay with? I don't want to sound melodramatic but the sooner you leave the better.

BartGirl

I've been to Uni and he hasnt. His job have offered to keep his position open for him if he wanted to pursue this angle but whereas in the past i'd have supported him while heartedly to do this, I darent consider it at the moment I'm afraid. A few years ago (before kids, marriage etc) he started an Access to get him into Uni and i happilly took on the responsibility of the home etc and 3 months into it he walked away saying it was 'doing his head in'..now a few weeks ago he brought that up and said he regretted having done that. He asked how i'd feel if he wanted to start the course again - and I told him to remember that he's now a married man with a child so he'd have to keep that in mind..if he'd have asked me that maybe a year ago my response would have been:' honey, i'll go fulltime till u finish cos we'll easily manage'..

Regarding the financial side - to be honest i wouldnt pursue the CSA angle. He doesnt give me nowt for DS now so why would i expect him to do so once he's out of the picture ? In any case, he's the type to resign out of spite so that i wouldnt get anyth off him anyway...we can and will manage without his financial contribution..are doing so at the moment anyway..

Kimitatsu wrote: »

Honey
If he doesnt like having a poorly paid job then go to college, do some training and get a better one. Its that simple, you have a goal and you strive to get there even if it means not going out. From the sounds of you I have no doubt that you would support him in that aim.

If you do decide to leave then he will have to give you £200 a month for the children - please go through the CSA on this occasion because otherwise you wont see it. His debts are not taken into account.

And finally, you are not to blame on this one, you deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to grow up in a happy household with a bloke they can look up to - with or without their dad. A lot of us on here have got it right second time around and there is a wealth of support out there, start with SureStart as your little ones are only wee if you are unsure.

Take care of yourself

xxxx

Savvy_Sue

Rented flat, you say. Whose name on the tenancy agreement? and is it social landlord (council / housing association) or private?

If you have a social landlord, talk to your housing officer about getting HIM out. Because it sounds to me like you would have strong grounds for domestic abuse - doesn't have to be violence. He's sapped your self-confidence, ground you down, and isn't contributing.

Mind you, I'd recommend marriage counselling - IF he'll agree to it. If he won't, you can go on your own. Maybe he needs to realise that things need to change - HE needs to change - if he wants the marriage to last. And if he doesn't, you are definitely better off without him.

Hugs ...

Loretta

Let's be practical, with this sort of situation you need to be prepared and make a plan before you do anything.

As with most things in life money is the priority, look on the entitled to website that has been mentioned and check out exactly what money you, on your own, would have coming in you may find that you could live on the amount without having all this agravation. You sound like you are good with money and however little it is if you plan and use it sensibly I am sure you will manage. The problem is that your OH is not co-operating about finances and is being very selfish about money as if he is entitled to do whatever he wants with the money so you never know where you are and cannot plan anything.

He won't change, people don't, he may say he will, although it doesn't sound as if he would even do that, but he won't. This isn't a life it is a life sentence! You deserve better. You sound very capable and I am sure you would do very well on your own without this drain on your finances and your energy.

Before you make a final decision check the facts, I am sure you will soon see that you do not need this man.

Life is short, you need to be happy and have peace of mind and the time and energy to enjoy your child, good luck

Please keep us updated we are all concerned for you

BartGirl

Hi Loretta

Thanks for all your advice.

I have looked at the entitled to website..I would be able to get help with the rent - i'm in housing assoc flat. I dont think getting him out of here would be a prob cos he's not the type to hang around..I guess its just so comfy for him here that he's not in a hurry to walk away..
The thing is most of his friends are bachelors and live in grubby accomodation - either shared houses or with their families (parents) so i dunno where he'd end up. I've come to the conlcusion that since he cant afford to 'branch out' on his own - thats why he's stuck around..and there was the week when i asked him to leave and give me some space when he came back all full of remorse, and complained that he couldnt sleep in his bachelor friends flat cos it wasnt clean, sheets grubby, loud music 24/7, friends coming and going, bath dirty so didnt wanna wash there...
I dunno..I think its his skint-ness thats prevented him from going. Nothing else..

Loretta

BartGirl wrote: »

Hi Loretta

Thanks for all your advice.

I have looked at the entitled to website..I would be able to get help with the rent - i'm in housing assoc flat. I dont think getting him out of here would be a prob cos he's not the type to hang around..I guess its just so comfy for him here that he's not in a hurry to walk away..
The thing is most of his friends are bachelors and live in grubby accomodation - either shared houses or with their families (parents) so i dunno where he'd end up. I've come to the conlcusion that since he cant afford to 'branch out' on his own - thats why he's stuck around..and there was the week when i asked him to leave and give me some space when he came back all full of remorse, and complained that he couldnt sleep in his bachelor friends flat cos it wasnt clean, sheets grubby, loud music 24/7, friends coming and going, bath dirty so didnt wanna wash there...
I dunno..I think its his skint-ness thats prevented him from going. Nothing else..

You have just explained that you have the upper hand - so use it!

Tell him the facts,

1 you could manage on your own, but it sounds like he couldn't

2 the only thing he contributes to the household and family is that he makes you unhappy

3 he has tried leaving and didn't like it. ie no live in housekeeper!

4 he cannot afford to live independently or contribute towards his responsibilities - your child

5 if he wants to stay he has to grow up, start contributing in every way not just financially and to treat you with some respect

6 you will give him 3 months to change or he can go

It sounds to me that you have reached the point that you really don't care if he does go and this gives you the strength to deal with him so you have nothing to lose, but he does, there is that dirty bath to look forward to!!!

Don't rush, make a plan, get everything in place to make sure you will be OK
and go for it!

Good Luck, you deserve better, your child should come first, this selfish man can go and fend for himself

finc

BartGirl wrote: »

Dinah:
I could go on and on..i'm just exhausted with it all..i think i need to find a book on self-esteem or something so that i can re-learn how to be a Strong Black Woman once again..cos i seriously feel battered down 100%

I can recommend this book A Woman in Your Own right. I didn't have the same problems as you but they were low self esteem and trouble in saying no and basically sticking up for what I believed in. I found this book really helped in a plain speaking kind of way. It's not at all pretentious or Americanised IYKWIM.

Good luck with whatever you decide.