should i bother telling OH ?

mummy_Jay

BartGirl wrote: »

these posts have knocked me for 6...
i'll reply once i've got stock of my thoughts..

Sorry, are you OK.

Just remember people can only reply to what they read, they don't actually know whats happening, only how they interperate whats written.

Curious_George_2

BartGirl wrote: »

these posts have knocked me for 6...
i'll reply once i've got stock of my thoughts..

i know it must be hard to read...
but look back at your first post and pretend your best friend or a family member wrote it... when you can step back and take an objective view think honestly about what would you be saying to them?

when i first started reading i thought you were going to say that he was your ex who never stumps up any cash to help with your childs basic needs, i was surprised that your actually with him and letting him think that his behaviour so far is acceptable (if you let him get away with this... he has no reason to change!)

snowmaid

BartGirl wrote: »

these posts have knocked me for 6...
i'll reply once i've got stock of my thoughts..

*hugs*. it's not easy. I know!

I am in my 2nd marriage and while my husband is certainly far from perfect and drives me batty at times, I am with him for the following reasons:

1. Love, but lets take 'love' out of the equation.
2. He works endlessly for us plus he is at college 2 nights a week studying further. If he is working nightshift, he goes straight from college at 9pm to work.
3. No matter how tired he is, he always has time for his son. I see the devotation and adoration on my 9 year old's face when his Dad gets home.
4. He has my son at rugby practice and helps with training. No matter how tired he is.
5. He will spend long periods of time playing ball with my son, no matter how boring.
6. When my older 2 from my 1st marriage were little, he would go to their sports games when he could, attend concerts, fetch and ferry them. When my older boy was in hospital, he took turns with me to stay at his bedside while I got some sleep. He treated them like his own, paying for their holidays etc. He never denied them anything.
6. He gets his salary and doesn't keep any money for booze, cigarettes (doesn't smoke), clothing, outings etc, but instead ensures I have bought myself something, or buys his son stuff or takes us on outings to movies etc.
7. He is at home every night, never going to a pub, out with friends etc. Any socialising he does is if we have friends around and he will have a natter with the menm, they all go cycling together, or BBQ's etc.
8. His family is first on his list. Nothing else matters.
9. He has no problem cooking, putting on washing etc. I don't have to nag him for help, he does it out of his own.
10. He carrys my parcels, opens the door for me and berates my children if they start to get mouthy with me, telling them to have respect.
11. In the bedroom he is all man! :rolleyes:

It is chalk and cheese from my 1st husband who was always on the sports fields at weekends and during the week, never played with his children and was basically never there for me.

That is why I say, you deserve better and there is better out there!

Bun

Hi Bartgirl,

Ignoring the useless OH front (can't add anything there) I get most of my stuff for ds in yearly bundles off Ebay. I've had 30 odd items for £20 before, including brand new next coats etc etc. Some are unworn.

dorry_2

bartgirl :wave:

I was in the same situation as you. ds1's dad used to do the same to me, he would priortise his going out money, over giving anything to ds1. The whole thing can be horrible.

But the good news is that not all men are like them, honest. I met a lovely bloke who took on me and ds1, we have been married 12 years. :T

I think what happens is that you accept the situation, because they is no alternative, well there is, you can make it change.

hth

r.mac_2

BartGirl wrote: »

these posts have knocked me for 6...
i'll reply once i've got stock of my thoughts..

sending you a big hug xxxxxx

siren13577

LilMissEmmylou wrote: »

bart girl for things like coats etc in future check out your local NCT sales and charity shops - you will save a small fortune

Also perhaps you and your OH should set aside a monthly budget for DS. You each contribute a % of your earnings (or whatever way u want to work it) to an account for buying essentials for the baby, perhaps you wont spend it every month but no doubt it will mount up when you need to buy bigger items or treats. Your right its NOT fair he would have to wait because his dad is rubbish with money.
Hope you get it sorted though

I can second the charity shops idea, I got some fantastic bargains when I needed clothes for my son, some of the clothes had hardly been worn and was brand new, I got coats, trousers and t shirts etc brand new (from Next) with labels still attached and generally for well under a fiver.

Freecycle is a good one for stuff you might need, you have to post offered stuff before you can ask for things you need.

On the OH situation, it sounds like he needs a firm talking to, this is unfair to put you and your children through this. My sister has had to do this with her DH as he was earning a good wage and had no idea where his money was going, he was spending money hand over fist on rubbish.

She had to sit down with him and actually work out exactly where his money was going, what was necessary and what was luxury. It sounds like he would benefit from knowing exactly what he needed to buy, what money he had to pay out and how much he has left after it.

I don't know how you work out your monthly expenses but I'm assuming he has to pay half of the household bills/upkeep etc, maybe just add a small amount on that each month as a contigency for emergencies.

I hope you get this sorted, keep strong and I hope you get through to your OH.

BartGirl

Oh my goodness.
I dont know where to start..
Why am i still here ?
We've been married 3 years, and have a toddler. Been together 7 years in all.
I guess its true - i've let the situation be what it is and accepted it for what it is.
I pay all the bills apart from rent.I buy the food, clothes on our backs (not his) and any entertainment comes from my pocket.

He's just always always broke and thats cos after the rent comes out, - £400, then about another £300 goes on his loan, CC and o/draft repayments. He earns £1,000 after tax.He's not pleased that i earn about the same as him on a part-time wage, and he's never hidden the fact that he feels that i'm a bad wife by not going on the dole and claiming as a single parent so that the flat, council tax etc will be taken care of - and he can have that extra £400 in his pocket. All his friends are up to it, and he says that cos i dont agree to do that, and continue having kids in the meantime,..that i feel that i'm better than him and his friends etc.

I think the truth of it is that he feels like i've robbed him of his masculinity - cos i take care of EVERYTHING and he does diddly squat. But then to avoid him feel inadequate, i'll try and involve him in stuff that i think isnt too much like 'can u get DS his winter coat this month?' but unfort'ly the end result is that he jumps down my throat saying 'u know i'm always short of cash, why do u put pressure on me?' he shouts alot and i cant bear that. Even my son would go and get toilet paper from the toilet and come and say 'mama crying' before he could even speak...so i know i cant be here much longer but i just feel like i'm at the bottom of the barrel.
I know my self-esteem's hit rock bottom., he's made me feel inadequate as a wife and mother, and i just feel worthless. I just need to find a way to pull myself together and be strong enough to put my foot down i guess.

Reading the earlier posts has put things into perspective, and i guess its a bitter pill to swallow. He says he loves me but does nothing to show / prove it. I know he's not the family type cos i've seen that now for myself - neither was his dad - and he'd always said that he'd want to be opposite to his dad, but now he hangs out with him and thinks the sun shines outta his dads ***..this is the man who walked out on them leaving his mum to fend for them all..

Pray for me - i'm in a fix for real

Dinah93

Honey I really feel for you. But this is clearly not just a financial issue, as he has worn you down, and you deserve much better, and so does your son. Your OH is not setting a good example as a father, or creating a healthy environment for him to grow up in. Whilst it is often desirable for children to live with both parents, in this case he is only going to see a mother who is walked all over, and worst of all, one day he may see his father's behavior as the norm or acceptable, and begin to emulate it, just as your OH has done with his father.

If you do choose to leave, I know how hard that would be for you, but in the long run I genuinely think you will feel like a weight is off you, and find yourself happier, and able to move on to a more mature relationship if you wish it. Additionally he does have a responsibility to your son, and through the legal system you can ensure he helps provide for him financially, although the emotional needs are clearly much harder to meet.

Praying for you, D x

Kimitatsu

Honey

First of all a huge hug (((((((hug)))))))

Secondly his masculinity is NOT your problem. If he doesnt like having a poorly paid job then go to college, do some training and get a better one. Its that simple, you have a goal and you strive to get there even if it means not going out. From the sounds of you I have no doubt that you would support him in that aim.

You are doing the right thing not committing benefit fraud, you would be the one who would have the criminal record not him, and from the sounds of him you wouldnt see him for dust and small stones.

You have your head screwed on straight and you are looking after your little ones as every parent should.

its entirely up to you whether you stay together or not I cant give you advice on that. What I can do is tell you where to get the information to help with your decision.

www.entitledto.co.uk will let you put in a range of options to ensure you are getting everything you are entitled to whatever situation you are in. If you do decide to leave then he will have to give you £200 a month for the children - please go through the CSA on this occasion because otherwise you wont see it. His debts are not taken into account.

And finally, you are not to blame on this one, you deserve to be happy and your kids deserve to grow up in a happy household with a bloke they can look up to - with or without their dad. A lot of us on here have got it right second time around and there is a wealth of support out there, start with SureStart as your little ones are only wee if you are unsure.

Take care of yourself

xxxx