taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

our regular carer is back and the visits are slightly earlier , im back at work after my wrrk off , when i come back , I cant grasp how i manage both mum and work and the house.
the good news is the majority of my presents are wrapped and all are bought , the bad news is my credit card has taken a battering but i refuse to spend any more on one day
( aside from a few nice bits to take along to our dinner hosts but these are m&S food aisle) 

the festive period seems to have cost me an absolute fortune , probably because I have additional prsents to buy to take to dinner and the family just seems to be growing with nm's kids and grandkids and neices bf's etc.

I'm looking at mum wondering if she is going to get there , I pray she does but she really is very poorly and could barely walk over the weekend although shes been much better on her feet the last day or so , she literally sleeps and eats and there isnt much conversation

the_end_of_the_rainbow

Sorry to hear about your mum’s worsening condition- I hope she manages to make it through Christmas & you make some good memories x

enthusiasticsaver

Hope your Christmas goes as well as it can do with your mums health being the way it is.  If she is still eating then she should manage to make it through.  From my experience with people at end of life it is when people start refusing food that their condition deteriorates noticeably. Such a sad time and I feel for you.  

Buffythedebtslayer

I am sending you love Efes, I think of you often. Really often. XXXX 

efes_shareholder

Thank you 
I’ve anticipated the decline so many times over the last 10 months and have always been wrong , I pray I am wrong this time.
there is a part of me hopes if it is near then be by new year so I can put this awful 2021 behind me and then there is the side that doesn’t want to lose my mum and the queen of our family whatever digit the year ends in.

she’s still eating ( mostly cake ) but she will fall asleep mid sandwich , she is sometimes coherent but today when i had checked several times if she was awake after a long sleep and went downstairs to give her some medication and she said , I see you bought the pram down ready for the baby …….. she had a huge smile on her face bless her and then realised there was no pram in the room , I asked her who was having the baby and she said “ don’t know but it’s not me “ 
our regular carer of 10 months arrived shortly after and mum did not recognise her and said to her “ I don’t think you have been before “ 
macmillan called this evening , I gave her a brief insight in to the last week or so and our contact is visiting on Thursday to do a little bit of a visual assessment , I asked her processes particularly if we find that time upon us over Xmas and about hospice space and all she kept saying was that mums wishes were to be at hime , which they are but she also said she was happy to go to the hospice if my sister and I felt it too much , they need constant reminding of that fact. They basically just reinstate that when the time comes everything kicks in to place and we will have a huge network around us of nurses and caters ……… but they don’t give us any information about how to get a space in the hospice.
I get everyone is under pressure right now I’d rather they were just honest and said don’t hold your breath.

efes_shareholder

Buffythedebtslayer said:

I am sending you love Efes, I think of you often. Really often. XXXX 

Thank you , I know you have your own challenges with your mum and her care and I so feel for you.
I’ve not got this far to not see it through , I think it’s dawning on me that mums time is coming to an end ( although she’s taken the scenic route so far ) and in the juggling act I’m performing of working , making sure she eats , making sure she is clean and all her equipment is too , making sure we have her vast amount of meds in the house , everything she may like to eat , etc etc when did I last tell her I love her and how grateful I am for the life she gave me and how hard she worked to raise and support my sister and I …… I know I do on social media come Mother’s Day and birthdays but eh I go home from NMs in the morning I am going to make sure I tell her again xx 

efes_shareholder

enthusiasticsaver said:

Hope your Christmas goes as well as it can do with your mums health being the way it is.  If she is still eating then she should manage to make it through.  From my experience with people at end of life it is when people start refusing food that their condition deteriorates noticeably. Such a sad time and I feel for you.  

Thank you 
over the last few months I’ve googled end of life signs so many times , she’s always had the signs but they are now much more prominent 
currently there’s nothing obvious to say she may not see xmas but I’m weok aware that with pancreatic cancer things can change very quickly 

efes_shareholder

the_end_of_the_rainbow said:

Sorry to hear about your mum’s worsening condition- I hope she manages to make it through Christmas & you make some good memories x

Me too 
she loves Xmas and has always been generous beyond her means 
I know this year all 7 grandchildren have made her their main focus so she will feel very spoilt 
let’s keep everything crossed x 

Humdinger1

@efes_shareholder sending love too. 
 I do think you're doing an amazing job though it's not one anybody would want. Take care of you love Humdinger xx 

efes_shareholder

Humdinger1 said:

@efes_shareholder sending love too. 
 I do think you're doing an amazing job though it's not one anybody would want. Take care of you love Humdinger xx 

thank you 
its a job no one puts there hand up for , it just has to be done.
I can honestly say its been the most challenging time of my whole life