taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

Kitten868

I think trying to give up vaping right now would be needlessly adding too much to your plate. I'm not trying to dissuade you but I just think guilt over that isn't necessary. 
I'm not surprised you're feeling down. You're torturing yourself over trying to plan ahead when you can't. I'm a planner too. We don't have to have things fall into place exactly like we wanted but we need the ability to think through the steps. Thinking through the future makes you feel guilty as she either won't be there or she will be having it harder. That's a mind melt. Adding in all the pandemic rubbish where you can't plan. Plus your immediate future where you know there won't be more support when you need it. 

Hope you get your referral to gynaecology soon. 

I don't know what to say to make it better. But I want you to know that it makes total sense that you feel this way. You aren't being dramatic or moany. I hope getting it out on here helps xxxx

Kitten868

And please don't write off your plan about your mums house yet. You don't know what will happen. And don't underestimate parking issues - especially when you love your car! Xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I think trying to give up vaping right now would be needlessly adding too much to your plate. I'm not trying to dissuade you but I just think guilt over that isn't necessary. 
I'm not surprised you're feeling down. You're torturing yourself over trying to plan ahead when you can't. I'm a planner too. We don't have to have things fall into place exactly like we wanted but we need the ability to think through the steps. Thinking through the future makes you feel guilty as she either won't be there or she will be having it harder. That's a mind melt. Adding in all the pandemic rubbish where you can't plan. Plus your immediate future where you know there won't be more support when you need it. 

Hope you get your referral to gynaecology soon. 

I don't know what to say to make it better. But I want you to know that it makes total sense that you feel this way. You aren't being dramatic or moany. I hope getting it out on here helps xxxx

I absolutely hate not having a plan A , B , C and D and probably cause myself more anguish but trying to carve them out then realising that theres obstacles to everyone 

I keep telling myself a day at a time and somedays thats easier to manage then others.

Haven't written off keeping the childhood home , I have to be mindful that it may get priced out of my market and if I can't have it how I will want it to be I'd rather not have it , I've spent enough years here not enjoying the environment so I'd want that rectified.

thank you for keeping me on a level as always

efes_shareholder

had my dr appt , she gave me a going over and has referred me to a gyno! wonderful , i got a text to book my own appt 
the hospital i had my stomach checked at didnt have anything until dec however another has october so ive booked myself in and hopefully ill then get some further camera tests. dr cant understand why last doc wanted a second scan , but hey ho we have some progress.

Work was manic this morning but settled down now , works computer crashed out on me but fortunately I bought a spare battery last year and all returned to normal once I changed it over , the old one wasn't retaining power so it was an easy assessment to make when it died.
the charger to this unit has died though and ive been using the one for my work machine so i think i ought to address that too and get the right one for this battery, £19.99 but i really can't risk having to go back to the office ( do have a work laptop but this has been playing up too and likely to die)

Need to fill my tank up with diesel later too

Over to NM's for an extra night respite , hes at work but as it was my sisters suggestion i will accept the offer , he will be home around midnight so will get to spend a bit of time in the morning if i dont wake up when hes home.

Mum is currently binge watching married at first sight as she is usually asleep by the time it starts , I have a weird liking for the show , love observing human behaviour

Kitten868

I had a scan today and the sonographer said "your ovaries don't look that stuck to your womb" so I don't suspect endo. They say the most comforting things. I'm completely convinced it is endo causing my issues and I have the experience to back it up. Much like you. Well done on getting the referral and through choose and book - thats my next step and choose and book is so much better. 

I wish I could do more for you and its not me keeping you level - it's all you. You're totally bulletproof. And well done on saying yes to the respite and for her to work on your mums bedroom. You should run out the door on the merest hint. Xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I had a scan today and the sonographer said "your ovaries don't look that stuck to your womb" so I don't suspect endo. They say the most comforting things. I'm completely convinced it is endo causing my issues and I have the experience to back it up. Much like you. Well done on getting the referral and through choose and book - thats my next step and choose and book is so much better. 

I wish I could do more for you and its not me keeping you level - it's all you. You're totally bulletproof. And well done on saying yes to the respite and for her to work on your mums bedroom. You should run out the door on the merest hint. Xxxx

I think maybe she has realised how worn out I am and how much i bare on my shoulders , the last thing she will want is me to burn out as then its all on her so its in her interest too, 
Shes defo realised how restrictive life is for me as she deals with the same restrictions when she is here on a sunday and obviously its far worse for me as its my life 6 days a week. 

My sonographer said endo is difficult to detect on ultrasound , if its more to the bowel which it mine will be its more difficult , its not the best experience and dignity goes out the window so you would think they have a bit of empathy , I hope your getting somewhere with your issues and not head banging like I have been 

i really have to work on my health anxiety , its not settling down , although I;m relaxed more about my side pain probably due to so many invasive tests , the slightest little thing makes me panic , a rash on my leg I got the doctor to look at - first thought is it skin cancer , I suffered from coldsores and today the roof of my mouth is sore , it could be a coldsore ( its possible but i dont think ive ever had one there  before ) or where I bit in to a very hot potato but Im on the phone to the dentist ( i need a check up anyway) because I cant see it and I want it checked but the concern goes through the roof , what if its sinister .............I tell myself to calm down , don't consult doctor google and don't read sad stories 
NM gets it now as his friend that passed at the weekend was the same age as him and had a cardiac arrest and it made him feel pretty vulnerable , hes neglected his diet and fitness lately and I think it shook him up. 
I also know that an ex gf of his from way back passed away last week , he hasn't told me that and I don't even know if he knows ( he doesnt know I know they are ex's from way back , but I'm nosey so I figure these things out ) so would maybe not even mention it as a typical man he thinks he will get questioned about his feelings etc but if he does know it would explain why he is so shook up about his friend too 

efes_shareholder

pleasant surprise this morning , another £75 win on the PB. Not quite making me a millionaire but a return of £175 in 3 months is not to be sniffed at and certainly outperforming the banks interest rates.

I'm muggy headed today and feel like my sinus/nose is playing up.................will not consult DR google and diagnosis myself with all sorts of horrendous ailments 

Kitten868

Tried a sinus rinse? Best thing for sore sinuses. It's that NeilMed thing. 

I'm sorry your health anxiety is so hard. I think its easy to see why it's happened. Its more of that lack of control thing on top of the obvious. 

Endo rarely shows up on scans. I don't know why they bother. Are you aiming for laproscopy and excision? Xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Tried a sinus rinse? Best thing for sore sinuses. It's that NeilMed thing. 

I'm sorry your health anxiety is so hard. I think its easy to see why it's happened. Its more of that lack of control thing on top of the obvious. 

Endo rarely shows up on scans. I don't know why they bother. Are you aiming for laproscopy and excision? Xxx

I am but the dr has suggested some internal camera , not sure why but understand how uncomfortable it is
Will get my foot in the door with the consultant and go from there 

efes_shareholder

So I viewed the maisonette 
It needs complete revamp which really doesn’t deter me but both bedroooms were on the small side as were all of the rooms
it was pretty much a 2 bed squeezed in to what should have been a 1 bed
because of boundary’s you can’t get direct access on to the garden without putting french doors from one of the bedrooms
if I lived there with NM we would need the 2nd bedroom for wardrobe space and it wasn’t big enough for the 2nd bedroom to accommodate a double bed even if it wasn’t used as a dressing area 
it has a garage but there were potential issues with the access road and not a lot of street parking 
worth the asking price even with the work needed but most likely to go to a bidding war , a few people have tabled asking price offers who hadn’t been able to get a viewing slot so it’s going to go to sealed bids. It has its plus’s but its too small for me and although I could be mortgage free quite quickly I’d rather more space and no parking issues , it’s not for me but a good buy for someone else 
NM came with me for the viewing which was an open day with slots , we had the 2nd slot but the first viewing ran 10 minutes over so the people after me were arriving just after that 
what thoroughly rude people , they waited 5 minutes and then barged themselves in to the property to say they had another viewing and weren’t prepared to wait so they would just get on with it and came in with what looked like 3 generations of family !
we had been told to take our time and were only in there 5 minutes and they are making comments that they would like to see the kitchen but they can’t because we were in there ….., well excuse me our slot was 10 minutes late ! They were pretty rude to the agent too so , NM took all his tolerance not to put them in their place but as we left he made sure he thanked the agent very loudly and said he hoped that for the rest of the day people would treat him with the upmost respect !! 

After we left we went to spoons for breakfast and now I’m charged on caffeine and need to do the 2nd part of the bathroom 
10 spend in spoons with 4 refillable coffees so not bad value