Suspected affair - Tracking a mobile phone

bugslet

Comms69 wrote: »

What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.

I understand where you are coming from Comms and the OP can only answer for herself. But in my case, we'd been together 19 years, I 'knew' something was up and it 'felt' like an affair. If I had confronted him, he would have denied it, I knew that, so the only way is to get proof. It's a bit chicken and egg.

I certainly don't suggest that people go snooping in others lives, I hadn't done in the previous 19 years, but to have a discussion you have to know stuff. Otherwise the conversation goes,

' Are you having an affair?'.

'No'.

'You just seem to be out a lot, wearing smarter clothes, hanging on to your phone'.

'I'm seeing Fred, fancied updating my clothes and work's really busy now. You're nagging'.

And all the while he's shagging himself senseless and you are supposed to just go, well he said he isn't having an affair so that's OK. And you could sit there for years at home whilst he two times you. I wasn't prepared to do that.

FBaby

There is an issue. SHE DOESNT TRUST HIM....

Trust is not something you wake up one morning and think 'you know what, I feel like trusting you today, so I will'. Trust is not something you give or take for no reason. Trust is something that you earn because you show the person that there have no reason to think you are not being totally truthful or honest with them.

Sometimes though things muddle things a bit and your mind start to wonder. It's not a case of waking up, deciding that you don't trust and suddenly coming up with numerous reason why that person can't be trusted, it's the other way around. It doesn't have to be one way or the other, but a case of analysing information that is put in front of you that is leading to consider various outcomes.

Are you saying that if your boss was suddenly not inviting you to meetings, forgetting to copy you on emails, not asking you about how you are each time he saw you when he used to, you'd be mad to wonder whether he might suddenly don't think highly of you, and if it turned out that it was nothing, just him being distracted, even though he confirmed that he was still very pleased with your work, you should walk out on the job because you had one episode of suspicion that led to you losing trust in your boss, and therefore you should walk out on the job?

NeilCr

And, of course, your instincts can be completely wrong.

One of my best friend's friends was completely convinced that my friend was having an affair with her husband. If they went out of a do at the same time to go to the loo (completely coincidentally) she'd follow them out etc etc. Everyone knew it was nuts but, fortunately, the husband didn't cotton on.

I'm in the "if you can't trust your partner what's the point" team on this. We had a chat about this thread at lunchtime and my OH (who has had her share of bad relationships) couldn't get her head round the idea of following someone/tracking them etc. But then we trust each other. If you don't trust there is no relationship

I think bottom line with the OP is that the relationship is terminally screwed.

If there is an affair then that's it. If she finds no evidence of an affair I don't think she is going to ever believe there isn't something going on.

pelirocco

jayII wrote: »

I did not infer that you did. I was referring to following someone, or getting a friend to follow them.

In my opinion that is wrong.

What makes you think that? I could be having an affair, as between work/commuting/staying late at work, I'm usually out of the house anything from 11-14 hours most days. My husband' is similar. Morever, I manage all the finances (he hates numbers) and he'd have no idea if my salary dropped, so I could potentially drop my work hours and spend a lot of time seeing another man or woman.

My husband does lots of lates and is salaried so no overtime is paid--maybe he's not actually working?

Who knows, but we trust each other so it's not an issue. As I said, if I ever did suspect anything, I'd talk to him and we'd sort it out (or change/end) it that way. Apart from checking/stalking being morally wrong, why would I want to waste my time spying on someone who can't keep their **** in their pants! Ewww!

Why would anyone be afraid to challenge their partner about this? Unless the relationship is abusive--in which case there are bigger issues than trust anyway.

Lots of people trust their partners , but that doesnt mean that they are trust worthy
Unfortunately confronting someone doesnt gaurantee they will tell the truth , Im sure plenty of partners swear blind nothing is going on , even tho there is . A friend of mine trusted her husband too much , even tho the signs were clear to everyone else , so him leaving was a total shock to her , she had no idea .................As it has turned out him leaving is the least of her worries , he left behind a mountain of debt including 3 threats of house repossesion ........Trusting someone 100 % isnt always wise
OP I can understand how difficult it will be to confront him , I would suggest you start getting your ducks in a row financially before you do , if it turns out he is having an affair and you dont want to or cant carry on , they you need to be strong and have a plane of what you will need to move on
If it was me , I would be trying any method of finding out . If you have the money employ a private detective

hazyjo

Comms69 wrote: »

What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?


Suddenly those 'all bets are off' justifications don't exist.


It's perfectly possible for him to be an innocent party in all this. If someone was following me, recording my conversations, checking my phone, etc. I would feel pretty bad. It would certainly be the end of the relationship for me.

Paranoia is very different though. If my OH started following me or checking my phone for absolutely no reason, I would go mental. If I started working late on a Friday and he accused me of having an affair, I would also go mental.


BUT...


These were the things I didn't notice with my ex which looking back makes me look like a bit of a mug. There were prob loads more that I can't even put into words - a 'feeling' or just inconsistencies.


- He did smile at phone (believe it or not, most still do this!) and he was daydreamy and smiley
- Stopped bringing his phone in from the van every night despite being utterly paranoid about someone nicking it before
- Not taking it out on weekends despite it being his own business and he used to worry about missing calls and would answer it at every opportunity
- Added a password to his phone
- Nipping out for things (any excuse to ring her) when he previously moaned about this or stayed on the sofa and went without
- Weight loss
- Grooming/appearance - when they weren't fussed before
- Increased sexual appetite (weird one, but often the case, especially in the beginning)
- Mentioning the other person's name all the time before it started then stopping talking about them
- Not answering phone as out of battery or didn't hear it
- Staying out the night when they never have done before. In fact, he never even used to go out with friends and suddenly he was out every Friday night and (apparently) staying at his work partner's house
- Picking a fight with me for no apparent reason
- Not wanting to book a holiday or even a short break


Little slip-ups when you question them. I remember saying to my ex 'It's 'XXXX' from work isn't it' and rather than saying 'I'm not having an affair' he said 'no it's not'. It was her - which was why he was so quick to deny before engaging his brain.


I found a text on his phone one day (before I suspected a thing) saying 'Miss you already'. I wasn't snooping. I'd never sent him a text in my life (it was 2000) and I only looked at his damn phone because I couldn't work out why he was so humpy with me and thought maybe because I'd not shown any interest in his shiny new work phone and what it could do - I'd snubbed the request when he first mentioned it as I really wasn't that fussed about it. Hand on heart had not had even an inkling before that. He took the phone 'to have a look' and deleted the text. Said he didn't know how he'd done that and he'd not meant to. I said I wanted to see his phone records and it all went downhill from there. The points above made it glaringly obvious once I put them all together and added in the text.


I remember breaking down and telling my mum and felt shocked when she said she thought from all that that he was having an affair. She offered to follow him and I said no as I just still couldn't believe it.


Comms69 - I also kept saying 'what if there is no affair' and was so reluctant to believe it could be possible. It often reaches a point where you just have to believe what everything points to - but to justify it being the reason why you throw away an entire marriage - it was BECAUSE I trusted him that I couldn't do that. If he hadn't left, I would have needed proof. When he tried to get back with me, my mum checked where his van was and he was with her. Still seeing her. So that was that.


Anyway, sorry to thread-hog

PeacefulWaters

The standard response to being accused of cheating when you are cheating is to lie. Then lie again.

Then to ridicule your partner for thinking that way.

Then to carry on cheating.

Vegas2010

It feels like it depends if you want the relationship to continue or not.


Tracking/evidence etc makes it more black and white potentially as either an affair is uncovered or the survellance is and one party feels aggrieved.


Sitting down and having a conversation saying you've noticed them being more distant, out separetly etc (rather than accusing).. is everything OK, is more likely to get them to put effort into a relationship they want to save and if they we're having an affiar potentially ending it as they feel they'll be caught. Probably more productive if you want to stay with them.

NeilCr

hazyjo wrote: »

Paranoia is very different though. If my OH started following me or checking my phone for absolutely no reason, I would go mental. If I started working late on a Friday and he accused me of having an affair, I would also go mental.


BUT...


These were the things I didn't notice with my ex which looking back makes me look like a bit of a mug. There were prob loads more that I can't even put into words - a 'feeling' or just inconsistencies.


- He did smile at phone (believe it or not, most still do this!) and he was daydreamy and smiley
- Stopped bringing his phone in from the van every night despite being utterly paranoid about someone nicking it before
- Not taking it out on weekends despite it being his own business and he used to worry about missing calls and would answer it at every opportunity
- Added a password to his phone
- Nipping out for things (any excuse to ring her) when he previously moaned about this or stayed on the sofa and went without
- Weight loss
- Grooming/appearance - when they weren't fussed before
- Increased sexual appetite (weird one, but often the case, especially in the beginning)
- Mentioning the other person's name all the time before it started then stopping talking about them
- Not answering phone as out of battery or didn't hear it
- Staying out the night when they never have done before. In fact, he never even used to go out with friends and suddenly he was out every Friday night and (apparently) staying at his work partner's house
- Picking a fight with me for no apparent reason
- Not wanting to book a holiday or even a short break


Little slip-ups when you question them. I remember saying to my ex 'It's 'XXXX' from work isn't it' and rather than saying 'I'm not having an affair' he said 'no it's not'. It was her - which was why he was so quick to deny before engaging his brain.


I found a text on his phone one day (before I suspected a thing) saying 'Miss you already'. I wasn't snooping. I'd never sent him a text in my life (it was 2000) and I only looked at his damn phone because I couldn't work out why he was so humpy with me and thought maybe because I'd not shown any interest in his shiny new work phone and what it could do - I'd snubbed the request when he first mentioned it as I really wasn't that fussed about it. Hand on heart had not had even an inkling before that. He took the phone 'to have a look' and deleted the text. Said he didn't know how he'd done that and he'd not meant to. I said I wanted to see his phone records and it all went downhill from there. The points above made it glaringly obvious once I put them all together and added in the text.


I remember breaking down and telling my mum and felt shocked when she said she thought from all that that he was having an affair. She offered to follow him and I said no as I just still couldn't believe it.


Comms69 - I also kept saying 'what if there is no affair' and was so reluctant to believe it could be possible. It often reaches a point where you just have to believe what everything points to - but to justify it being the reason why you throw away an entire marriage - it was BECAUSE I trusted him that I couldn't do that. If he hadn't left, I would have needed proof. When he tried to get back with me, my mum checked where his van was and he was with her. Still seeing her. So that was that.


Anyway, sorry to thread-hog

I think you had more than justifiable grounds for suspicion. That's a long list!

But, going back to the OP it "appears" at the moment what she has is an occasional night out with a friend she hasn't heard of (ETA and smiling at the phone). That's a long way short of the evidence that you were seeing.

It might well be innocent (it might well be an affair too, of course) but I am not sure that it justifies the lengths of snooping/intrusion suggested. While I can see he might clam up I am inclined to think probing gently might be a start.

My OH's son spends his time laughing/smiling at phone messages. It's all banter with his mates. A quiet "share the joke"might get somewhere, for instance.

NeilCr

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

The standard response to being accused of cheating when you are cheating is to lie. Then lie again.

Then to ridicule your partner for thinking that way.

Then to carry on cheating.

But, of course, don't start with accusing them of cheating.

Pollycat

Comms69 wrote: »

What I keep coming back to is - what if there is no affair?

Hmmmm.
I've read the OP's earlier thread and it wasn't pretty - especially the financial stuff about not being able to afford a holiday because he's saving for his retirement.
And the fact that the OP spent her earnings on food and he had much more disposable income than she did.

Re the texting in front of the OP with a smile on his face and other behaviour - could it be possible that he's not actually having an affair at all but wants the OP to think that and confront him so he can play the 'you don't trust me, you've accused me without cause/proof so this marriage is over' card.

And in those circumstances, does anyone think that all the money he's been squirrelling away for his retirement will still be where the OP thinks it is?

I hope this doesn't happen but my friend's ex hid loads of money from her during their relationship (including pay rises) and walked away with it.

NeilCr wrote: »

One of my best friend's friends was completely convinced that my friend was having an affair with her husband. If they went out of a do at the same time to go to the loo (completely coincidentally) she'd follow them out etc etc. Everyone knew it was nuts but, fortunately, the husband didn't cotton on.

Curious how this ended.
Did she finally accept that there was no affair?
Did somebody 'have a word with her'?