Courgette resets her sights

Courgette

Not a terribly productive day as still under the weather but have written another 1000 words of my ebook so I'm pleased I'm managing to develop a habit here. I just told myself I was gonna write 100 words which is a trick I used to play on myself in uni and I'm delighted to report that it still works!

Have also got a couple of expensive tunics listed on ebay too which will turnover £70 with about £40 profit so that's a good one to get sorted. Honestly, we have so much unlisted stuff in this house it's just ridiculous so good to get things ticked off and hopefully out the door.

Been reading some of the DFW diaries too. I find them very motivating especially the ones that are really high. Very glad for my inbuilt frugality even if it does close my world down a bit too sometimes.

greent

I love Shaker kitchens - but be warned that the inner 'edges' seem to attract dirt/ dust and need much more detailed cleaning than a flat door. (We've got very pale maple Shaker doors and this time around have chamfered inner edges, which makes it a little easier cleaning wise/ dirt build-up wise) I debated aubergine doors (F&B brinjal) but decided I was too scared to go for that much colour - instead we have a coloured range and a coloured wall behind it (I usually choose shades of neutral browns/ creams)

x

Courgette

Yeah, muck-traps on doors do concern me, I'm not a fan of housework (and neither is anyone else in our house!) so don't want to create any more of it

Courgette

Still unwell, poor me. Have been lounging around, ignoring my kids and reading more DFW diaries.

I've got a half-formed though in my head (steady on now). I'm gonna write it here in an attempt to process it and make it more solid.

There's one DFW in particular that I've been reading with interest, TreadingOnPlaymobil, who has debts around the £60k mark and it's set off a few thoughts for me.

Basically, I was brought up in an extremely frugal way, frugality that was unhealthy and unhappy really. I remember my parents having a huge screaming match once for example because one of them had bought a bundle of fluffy towels from a charity shop for £1 which the other deemed to be completely excessive. In my life I've been homeless twice, once as a child and once at 38 weeks pg with DS1 due to complete financial inepititude of ex. It took me a while to sort myself out after that one and was a big reason why I joined these boards and paid off my first mortgage. Paying off that first mortgage was extremely important to me because I had to know that we would be okay if anything happened again so I went at it with gazelle intensity. When I paid it off ( most of the work done as a single parent) I was completely exhausted yet my now DH decided we needed to move (we really did, have never regretted this) so I have literally never had a month where I've had the joy of being MF.

Where am I going with this..... I have a very weird relationship with money. I would like to earn more but my intellectual and emotional response to this do not marry. For example, I know intellectually there's no idea at all why I couldn't earn more and have more disposable income but emotionally I worry that I'd not be around for my kids, that I'd end up doing work I hated, that I'd just increase my spending so see no real increase in income. I heard a DJ on the radio the other day say he had a very low tolerance for being busy and I guess that's me too. And yet I feel this constant nagging guilt that I'm not being busy enough and so I daren't enjoy myself. It doesn't really make sense and I'm gonna need time to unpick it all.

If I had more money, I'd like to be able to spend more of it on my kids. That makes me feel as though I've somehow 'got it wrong' because as all us enlightened beings know, kids only need love and the occaisional bit of stale bread to thrive. Actually paying for things like music lessons and weekends away, heaven forbid a holiday, are dirty little secrets that only show poor parenting and brainwashed, consumerist mentality. I have literally no idea where these thoughts are coming from, it's not from these boards or actually even particularly from my upbringing because I did have music lessons and (some) holidays. It's as if I have an absolutely ingrained deep-seated fear of everything going wrong and that I'd be looking back on the fun I had with my family as a punishment for my future self.

You'd think though with all this depriving on myself and guilty feelings that I'd be making massive headway on the mortgage so ti'd all be worth it but I'm not. I won't spend on anything that could lead to any personal growth beause I'm too tight and I'm simply not earning enough to make any decent OPs. Instead, I've shut my world down because 'money isn't important to me' when it clearly actually is. But alongside that, in case my brain isn't tying itself in enough knots right now, I'm so bored of fruaglity. I'm so bored on squirreling away pennies that make no real difference to the bigger picture of our lives that I'm not even bothing being that frugal anymore. I changed our gas and elec supplier fairly recently but that's been about it. I don't meal plan, I don't keep an eye on meter readings, I can't even remember what other frugal things there are to do actually.

I know it sounds stupid, but I am tired of seeing my children in clothes with holes in that I've patched up. Their coats are worn out and I'd love to buy them lovely bright new ones. I saw a gorgeous one in TKMaxx the other day but obviosly I wouldn't allow myself to buy it because it was a whole £16 and DS3 already has a coat. I'd love to travel with them more, just local camping would be something but as soon as I google I see the price and close the browser.

Lots of rambling there and if anyone's got this far I'd love some input.

What I'd love is a job, tuition actually, that lets me set my hours, as tuition does, but that brings in a lot more. I'd like to mentally free myself to let myself spend money on fun stuff withough feeling guilty for the waste or that I'd somehow failed as a parent. (Headlines: Mother takes children for a weekend in London which includes a meal in a cafe after she'd already been to France for a fortnight that year. Inform Social Services immediately.) And this is so stupid, because it's in my grasp. I earn a high hourly rate and I have an excellent local word of mouth reputation. I enjoy it (love it actually) and it allows me to set my hours within reason. And yet there is something that prevents me from pulling the trigger and totally leaning in to this and creating a fabulous business for myself. I need to spend money on my website for example and I know it makes total business sense to do this but I just can't bring myself to actually cough up.

Rambling now. I'll record this one last thought though. Two actually.

1. A freind of ours went away somewhere hot in half term. I was jealous but know I couldn't do things like this because there's some unwritten universe rule somewhere that I must not spend money on things that make me happy just in case it turns out not to be the most amzing thing in the universe ever.
2. Another friend gave me gel nails recently. I absolutely loved them. They made me look so polished and put together and just brought joy! But obviously as we all know, soending money on fingernails is a cardinal sin and must not be indulged at all. Think of the compound interest!

Right, I'm gonna put the kettle on

Courgette

Actually, forget the kettle - I'm on a roll! :rotfl:

Basically, if you look up 'penny-wise, pound-foolish' in the dictionary there'll be a massive picture of a courgette next to it. Some stupid stuff that comes to mind:

1. Getting cross with DH for buying a bag of clementines when we had some apples in the fridge
2. Not chasing up a potential work lead that could have lead to an £800 job
3. Being too tight to spend any money on the house even though it's looking decidedly shabby in parts
4. Not having any buildings or contents insurance
5. Not wanting to pay for help with marketing for my business when I clearly cannot do this myself
6. Leaving a bike in the garden to go rusty yet feeling guilty every time I spend any money on transport
7. Gonna stop here, that's enough self-indulgence/punishment but you get the picture.

Have been pondering a completely new way of budgeting. I need to earn £750 a month. £500 is my contribution to the joint account, £250 is my S&S ISA. How about if I put aside an extra 10% for business growth, ie hosting fees, possible account with something like hootsuite to build my social media presence, possible short courses, books etc etc. That would be sensible and totally normal. What about if I also set aside time to be proactive with the tuition instead of just responding to enquiries. Here's the radical idea though: what about if, rather than setting myself OP targets, I set myself a fun budget. Maybe I could pay myself fun money every month that would be mine to do whatever I wanted with? I wonder whether I could allow myself this? Perhaps £100. I could take DS3 to the theatre bacuse he absolutely loves stuff like this. I could take DS2 to Nandooooo's which appears to be his current life goal. I could buy them unneeded but gorgeous clothes. I could get my nails done. Would this be doable? Would life fall apart? I could also be honest with myself and say that I want holidays with them and actually book them. Yes, I know it'd be school holidays and I could do a zillion times better if I home-educated and took them during term-time or if I holidayed in a war zone or something like that but actually I wonder whether I'd allow myself just to go somewhere hot in Europe for a week or two in August? We'd really love it.

Right, I am gonna stop the navel gazing now. Have been called away to build dens!

wishingthemortgaheaway

Wow Courgette, there is some deep thinking there.
I really don't know where to start or indeed how to help, I just couldn't read and run.

Firstly big hugs. You are wayyyyy over thinking this (I think)

2) slow down, I felt like I was runnning a sprint race reading your post, it was so pacey.

3) if I was your mentor I'd be doing a 'line excercise' with you.
Really hard to explain, but basically it's a 1-10 scale where you write at 10 what 'perfection' looks like. You then place yourself where you are oncthe line and say why you are not at 0. Then you work out what 1/2 things you are going to do to move One step closer to 10. You aren't trying o get to perfection now, just a little bit closer to it.

Hope you manage to order
Your thoughts and come to some decisions you are happy with.

beanielou

A big vote YES from me for a fun budget.( & a TK Maxx budget)
To me it is all about a balance.
Yes we need to feel secure but we also have to feed our soul in a way that works for us ~~ be it gel nails or whatever.

750 from tuition does not seem over ambitious to me.
Break it down.
How many hours would you do on a weekly basis to earn that?

Courgette

Thanks both of you

I do earn £750 pm, usually much closer to £1200 sort of area. For quite a while all the extra has gone on to the kitchen so I haven't seen any benefit of it. I think my point is that I should divert that extra towards both business development and fun money and not towards the sensible stuff all the time so much. It's still a work in progress though, lots more to ponder. All I know is I feel like I've blocked myself in. I'm 41 and I keep wondering when I'll relax and my life is gonna start

newgirly

Wow courgette, that feels like every guilty feeling I've had for the last eight years squeezed into one long post, minus the guilt when I do overspend

Personally I do think the mfw board has changed a little in some ways over the years, there seems to be a much more balanced approach than there used to be, more travel and renovations?

Do not question what you have done in the past as it's led you to the position (and lovely new home) that your children are enjoying now. But if you know yourself that it's time to relax the reins a bit then do it. When you were a hard core mfw clearing your first mortgage -and being the origional inspiration for us all you had a plan, the plan was to pay it off as quickly as possible. It was extreme, but in my opinion as a single mum at the time I can understand why, as what's more important than a roof over your childs head?

Perhaps it's time to make those plans again, be as passionate about your goals, push like you used to if you like, but this time those goals need to be different. A range of things you want to achieve, work opportunities improving, broadening the kids horizons etc. Slowing down the mortgage ops doesn't mean you are drifting along, you could just redirect some of the energy into making everything else as you want it.

I think you need to give yourself permission to be a tightwad in certain areas to save and not feel guilty about spending it on what you see as 'wasteful' things. Easier said than done I guess, perhaps an extra earrings/savings pot specifically for wasteful treats

Sorry if I've rambled on a bit, I hope it makes a bit of sense - hang in there as you have made such a difference, not just to your family but also to many of us who followed your journey like me and are now nearly at the end of it, you did make it seem possible :T:T:T

TallGirl

Hi Courgette just found you again I definitely remember you from the old MFi3.

You need to slow down a bit and not be so hard on yourself. Feeling good about yourself and being in a good relaxed place mentally does help career plans too. Reading the bit about your nail I was almost shouting just treat yourself and do it don't feel guilty. Set a budget and then research the place you want to get it done is good and doesn't charge over the odds.

Being mortgage free is great I did it nine years early but I don't have a family and I never traded up to a larger house. Look at what you have got lovely kids and husband plus a work life balance where you can dictate things you're not having to spend hours commuting to a job you hate or may not hate. It isn't a race or a sprint paying the mortgage off.

I look forward to following your diary and I hope to see some fun and treats for you and the kids.