Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

happyandcontented

Sammie, he knew, really, he knew. That question from your son was childlike, naive. You know you did everything you could, don't even think about that aspect of it. Not even the paramedics could help, so how could you?

Be kind to yourself.

Sammie36

Yes the question was naive, I know he didn't ask it to upset me he was just being a child.

It's because I re play that night over and over again. I doubt everything i did/think i did. I told him I did all I could and that he was just too poorly and his response was "you tried mummy and that's what matters isn't it".

This grief journey is so draining. It's probably also because life's other problems don't stop do they?

Next first is my birthday - Christmas eve. Followed by Christmas itself

Savvy_Sue

I wonder if your son was trying to reassure you with that question - "do you think my dad is mad with you? How can he be when you know you did everything you could" - but possibly can't articulate it properly.

anyway, we are all in agreement, you did everything you could.

MrAPJI

Sammie, thank you for returning and letting us know you are ok. You must be absolutely exhausted and so we really appreciate you having done so.



John knew you loved him and I'm certain of that. I lost my wife suddenly too and also wished that I could have told her that I loved her, but it wasn't meant to be. However, I think we both know deep in our hearts that they knew - because they did . Sammie, the regrets you have are a natural part of the grieving process - everyone has them - and I most certainly did.



Performing CPR on John must have been so frightening for you. Please don't ever blame yourself for what happened - you did your very best and that's all you possibly could do.



When you wake in the morning, do remember that we are all thinking of you, and hoping that the day will be a little easier than the one before.

wort

Hi Sammie. I hope you are looking after yourself. I'm really sorry about John. My husband died suddenly last year, he hadn't been ill just his glands up on his neck. I badgered him to see the Dr. Before we went on holiday. On the 2nd day of our cruise he went to bed feeling sick with a head ache, then wouldn't eat or drink. I was on a ship alone I didn't know what to do. We flew home after a week though my husband didn't want to.
We went straight to A and E, who sent him home. We went back 2 days later and they finally admitted him. They gave him paracetamol and couldn't find what was wrong. At the end of the week I was told he had secondary metastes in his meninges in his brain and he wouldn't live more than a few weeks.
He died a week later.
I wanted to tell you this as I also felt as you did that maybe I could have done something more, got him to the Dr. Sooner ?seen some sign? And oh how I wish I'd climbed in that bed with him and hugged him, and told him how much I loved him.
My grandson doesn't have his dad in his life and he and grandad were very close, he was just ten when it happened, and I was upset for him too.
We were together 30 years and I was 54 a week before he died.
What I want to say is so many people on here have been were you are and it's very difficult, I'm in tears now just remembering, but you are stronger than you think.
I will post underneath as this is getting long!

wort

Please go to your Dr, and get referred to a counsellor. It really helps to just pour your feelings out to a complete stranger, I cried buckets and told her everything without the fear of upsetting anyone. Which is what we are bothered about. I have a large family of support, but they were grieving too, and I felt I had to be strong, so talking to the counsellor was a means of getting it off my chest. Also they can get counselling for the children, it's often done in school. So please ask .
I was given a book death and how to survive it, by Katie Boydell.
She was widowed young with small children.the book is about her journey,but it's written well and with some humour. Maybe get the book from the library or ebay. She also has a website with a forum similar to this.

wort

With regards to the room where it happened, is it possible to change it round a little , paint or rearrange the furniture. Not right away, but to help you , I know you must keep replaying it when you're in there. As my niece lost her partner in Afghanistan, and she ended up moving because she couldn't come down stairs without seeing the officers at the door. She was in her 30 with two very young children.

I know I've done a lot of redecorating myself and he didn't die at home. But it helped to occupy my mind.
In the early days I did everything I could not to think about it, and would clean and garden all day over.
It's a year of firsts, birthdays ,Christmas etc. But be kind to yourself. No one will expect you to be super woman. Ask for help, even if it's to buy Xmas shopping. You don't mention family other than your parents, but most family and friends will be glad of being able to do things to help.
I don't visit the cemetery very much, as I know he's not there. I know he's in the house with me, so I have his photo up, and buy flowers to put near it.
Please keep posting .The people here are lovely. Don't be afraid to say what you feel as we've probably felt the same at some point.
Much love and hugs.

joansgirl

I don't normally post on this thread, I haven't really got anything to offer or any advice that hasn't already been given, but I do read it.

My heart goes out to you all with your individual struggles, especially those who are in the early days.

The reason I'm posting today is because it's what should have been our 26th wedding anniversary and this year I'm feeling it a bit more than normal.

I'm trying to keep busy but a back injury prevents me from doing too much so I suppose I have more thinking time.

My husband has been dead quite a long time now, coming up for 9 years. He was ill from the end of October 2009 and died on January 3rd 2010 so Christmas and New Year hold bad memories for me. With most people getting into the Christmas spirit it just brings the sadness to the forefront of my mind and makes everything that bit more of a struggle.

Although I don't speak to people on here I do appreciate what you're going through.

Thanks for reading.

wort

Joans girl. I don't think our grief ever goes. We just open up our world to make it seem smaller. There will always be times we will get upset that our loved ones aren't there to enjoy the present with us, but you aren't alone, sending you much love and hugs . Please feel free to chat to us , we are here to help each other .xx

crv1963

Sammie

Your constant reminders of your loss, what you did for John at that time will ease very slowly over time. Be assured that any attempt at CPR is better than no attempt. He would know instinctively that you loved him, he didn't need to be told at that moment. Your very action demonstrated more than words your love. The first time of everything is hard, humans are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

Children are also very good at managing grief, encourage chatter and laughter whenever you can, Christmas is especially hard for most, time for reflection and tears is normal, don't suppress your feelings or feel that you shouldn't express your emotion.

My hope is that you can have some time for you as well as the children.