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Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Over 50s Money Saving
1.1K replies 191K views
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  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    I know some people find comfort in seeing the deceased but I had always felt much like you, right from being a child and seeing my father who I just didn't recognise. I'm not sure if I would do it again.

    Don't get me wrong, it felt right to see him, but the essence of him wasn't there. I told him about all the lovely things people have been saying. Today I saw my GP and get something to help me sleep
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • pollypennypollypenny Forumite
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    Oh, Torrey, you poor thing.
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  • thepurplepixiethepurplepixie Forumite
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    Don't get me wrong, it felt right to see him, but the essence of him wasn't there. I told him about all the lovely things people have been saying. Today I saw my GP and get something to help me sleep

    I know what you mean, it just isn't them anymore. I hope you get some sleep.
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  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
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    Don't get me wrong, it felt right to see him, but the essence of him wasn't there.
    I don't know if this will help, but just because his essence wasn't 'there' doesn't mean it's left you - it just wasn't 'there'.
    I told him about all the lovely things people have been saying.
    That's what I mean, you can still talk to him, and don't let ANYONE tell you that shouldn't continue for as long as you find it helpful and comforting. I'm sure too you will sometimes hear or feel him talking back!
    Today I saw my GP and get something to help me sleep
    Short term I'm sure that's very helpful. The other thing I'd say is that if you need to take a nap during the day, there's nothing wrong with that either. It's like the eating, you may not feel like it, but little bits is the way to go.
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  • Torry_QuineTorry_Quine Forumite
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    Savvy_Sue wrote: »
    I don't know if this will help, but just because his essence wasn't 'there' doesn't mean it's left you - it just wasn't 'there'.

    That's what I mean, you can still talk to him, and don't let ANYONE tell you that shouldn't continue for as long as you find it helpful and comforting. I'm sure too you will sometimes hear or feel him talking back!

    Short term I'm sure that's very helpful. The other thing I'd say is that if you need to take a nap during the day, there's nothing wrong with that either. It's like the eating, you may not feel like it, but little bits is the way to go.

    Thanks. He would be so surprised at what people have said. He is very highly though of. I know he would say I trust you to make the right decisions but it just feels so wrong
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
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    Today I went to see him, it doesn't look like him. He's so cold

    Torry, I first saw my husband when the policeman had got me to the hospital, he had not been attended to by the funeral directors. Then I went to see him in the funeral parlour a few days later and he looked so much better, cold yes and still yes but it helped me to make that separation transition from sudden to more gentle. I left a letter with him

    I think, having been through it as a sudden death, like you, that the second viewing was the one that calmed my soul. The first one was a shock. I recommend another viewing, you will know what to expect and that will take the sharp edge away
  • edited 1 February 2018 at 9:35AM
    seven-day-weekendseven-day-weekend Forumite
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    edited 1 February 2018 at 9:35AM
    I know some people find comfort in seeing the deceased but I had always felt much like you, right from being a child and seeing my father who I just didn't recognise. I'm not sure if I would do it again.

    I have never gone to see anyone I know who has died, for this reason; however it is a very personal thing and as you say, some people get great comfort from it.

    I am thinking of you Torry, at this awful time, do try to eat and get some sleep and don't be afraid to reach out to others if that will help.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • thepurplepixiethepurplepixie Forumite
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    Culture comes into it, some cultures feel it is very important to see the deceased and to have an open coffin at the funeral service. I've been to one where people queued up to kiss the deceased.
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  • seven-day-weekendseven-day-weekend Forumite
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    Culture comes into it, some cultures feel it is very important to see the deceased and to have an open coffin at the funeral service. I've been to one where people queued up to kiss the deceased.

    Me too, when I lived in Spain I queued up to kiss my deceased neighbour Emilio, who was in the front room of his house in his coffin.
    (AKA HRH_MUngo)
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
  • thepurplepixiethepurplepixie Forumite
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    You're braver than me, or maybe you were closer to the deceased. I lit a candle while the kissing was going on. My BIL was devestated when his young cousin died in a plane crash and they had to have a closed coffin. Sorry derailing things.

    Hope you are getting some rest Torry.
    Make £2020 in 2020
    January Total £1099.77 :j Year todate total £3769.29
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