Money Moral Dilemma: Should we do 'tit for tat' with wedding gifts?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

andydownes123 wrote: »

Yep - this is nightmare. What is the problem with people just giving money for things that are needed, instead of wasting money on a 'gift' that in my experience has to be returned or binned

I never give cash or buy off a gift list for weddings. I just find it greedy and vulgar. I buy carefully chosen, couple-specific gifts, not just random kitchen products. Or quite often I give vouchers (eg theatre or cinema, dependent on their interests) so they can have couply nights out when they return from honeymoon skint and maybe feeling a bit flat.

At what point did weddings stop being basic parties in village halls with a finger buffet for friends and families, with some domestic gifts thrown in, and mutate into giant expensive extravaganzas involving hen weekends in Barcelona, gift demands and spreadsheets to track how much people spent on you?

crmism

What a curious question!

Surely, what others spent on your wedding is irrelevant. Does it really matter if somebody bought you a set of place mats and napkins and you return the gesture with a toaster that cost more or less than their value?

You clearly keep track of your expenditure, which I fully support, as you are one of those who keeps a check on finances and is unlikely to get into debt. But you can take things too far...

Pixie5740

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

I never give cash or buy off a gift list for weddings. I just find it greedy and vulgar. I buy carefully chosen, couple-specific gifts, not just random kitchen products. Or quite often I give vouchers (eg theatre or cinema, dependent on their interests) so they can have couply nights out when they return from honeymoon skint and maybe feeling a bit flat.

What's greedy and vulgar about being able to give the couple something that they actually want? If I'm going to spend money on a present, or give money, I want it to be on something they actually want.

Out,_Vile_Jelly wrote: »

At what point did weddings stop being basic parties in village halls with a finger buffet for friends and families, with some domestic gifts thrown in, and mutate into giant expensive extravaganzas involving hen weekends in Barcelona, gift demands and spreadsheets to track how much people spent on you?

Not everyone lives within the same 0.5 mile radius their entire lives. I don't live anywhere near the same village I grew up in and Mr Pixie doesn't live near where he grew up. I don't know in either university city I attended and neither do most of my university friends, same goes for where Mr Pixie studied and his university friends. We've also lived and worked in various parts of the UK, and me outside the UK. It's very common within our friendship groups and our siblings and cousins. We accept that to attend weddings and for people to attend ours there will need to be an element of travel involved.

Red-Squirrel_2

Pixie5740 wrote: »

What's greedy and vulgar about being able to give the couple something that they actually want?

It’s greedy and vulgar to tell someone, unprompted, what they should buy for you as a gift.

It seems to have become socially acceptable though, somehow, which is a shame.

Pixie5740

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

It’s greedy and vulgar to tell someone, unprompted, what they should buy for you as a gift.

It seems to have become socially acceptable though, somehow, which is a shame.

Is it really? I can't recall anyone telling me what I should buy as a gift it's usually along the lines of "we don't expect presents as your attendance is enough to make our day special, blah blah blah, but if you would like to get us something then money towards the honeymoon/John Lewis gift vouchers/there is a list at House of Fraser/whatever." I find that helpful so I know what to get.

Mr Pixie and I didn't have a list or request money, we specifically asked people not to get us anything but we did choose a charity each in case people still felt the need to get something. That's been a popular option with several of our friends.

I do have a friend who buys a protest gift if he thinks all the items on the wedding list are too expensive. Once he bought a couple a solitary teaspoon and he has been known to give the odd IOU.

ska_lover

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

It’s greedy and vulgar to tell someone, unprompted, what they should buy for you as a gift.

It seems to have become socially acceptable though, somehow, which is a shame.

Wedding gift lists and registry's, are not new ideas though, are they?

Red-Squirrel_2

ska_lover wrote: »

Wedding gift lists and registry's, are not new ideas though, are they?

Putting them in with the invitation is.

POPPYOSCAR

I much prefer a list or money.

So much easier than spending hours searching for the 'perfect' gift that no one really wants.

ska_lover

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Putting them in with the invitation is.

Really? So is it the timing of the request that causes you upset?


Not the request itself?

Izadora

ska_lover wrote: »

Really? So is it the timing of the request that causes you upset?


Not the request itself?

My nan's cousins always used to have an issue with the gift list being included with the invitation.

She preferred buying from a list, as she knew people got something they wanted, but thought that you should wait to be asked what you wanted and that including it with the invitation was a bit presumptuous and grabby.