Money Moral Dilemma: Should we do 'tit for tat' with wedding gifts?

gloriouslyhappy

When we got married ten years ago, second time for both of us, the invites stated 'no presents but feel free to bring a bottle of bubbly for the party' and most people did - in fact, a lot of people brought two bottles, with instructions the second bottle was to be put away for later. We got so many bottles, we drank champagne for a year, which was rather nice! However, we did also get a strange assortment of gifts from people who didn't feel right not bringing a gift. Some were more useful than others (who needs a plastic rose bouquet which sings 'love me do'?!), but everyone received a gracious thank you note.

My point is, people will do what they want - you can set all the guidelines you want, but it's up to your guests what they give, or if they give, and if you're just happy to see them attend on your special day, look on any gift as a bonus and be content with that. So taking it the other way as the gift giver, give what you think is right for your and their circumstances at the current time, and put this dilemma to rest.

iclayt

Some ramblings on my experiences. Unlike others i quite like the MMD feature of the newsletter.

When we got married we had a department store wedding list as we knew if we asked for either no presents or for money we would get random things from people who just have to buy something, or cash we would feel guilty about spending! It was a modest list with lots of differently priced items, some as low as a fiver, which we carefully picked out as things we didn't have, we did need, we did want, would use, and would value and appreciate.

Most people found something on the list. Obviously, we still got several sets of champagne flutes and three crystal decanters, what on earth for I'm not sure, along with all manner of things we didn't need or want really. We were lucky to receive some cash after all as well which we put towards a holiday we would not have been able to afford otherwise.

My OH's parent's best friends (not ours!) spent a small fortune on us from the list. There was no need but we were grateful. And they could afford to. Their own daughter's wedding came up, we were randomly invited, and OH's parents felt we should be very generous in our (requested as a gift) cash donation, as her parents had been generous to us. The daughter herself had got us a candle. I was utterly confused but rather than cause a fuss we dutifully stuffed more than we could afford in the envelope. Still cross about it now.

When I got married my best friend of over 20 years only got me a card. I was upset but she obviously felt she'd spent enough in travel and accommodation expenses, so i got over it. When she got married it was in the middle of nowhere practically in Lands End, required 2 days off work, expensive accommodation and 16 hrs worth of petrol - and I still felt the need to find her a small gift that I thought might look nice in their new home.

My point is it's very hard to tit for tat. Don't over think. Say thank you and when their wedding comes up either stick to the gift list or give cash if you can afford it and then forget about it!

pollyanna24

What about the ones that got married before you? What if you spent more or less than they did on you? How to rectify that now, hmmm.

Of what about the ones that you didn't know when you got married, but they are now getting married? Do you get them nothing because they didn't get you anything?

SuperPikachu

The easiest thing to do is just buy them what you can afford? From their list too if possible? Or just cash as others said.

I wouldn't bother with the whole "tit for tat" situation, it is quite childish.

zarabelle

ska_lover wrote: »

Same here, we have told MIL for years not to buy. Yet she still buys tat. Quid shop tat.


All it does is makes us feel awful for not loving it, and for binning it off

I really hate waste and, this might sound ungrateful, I would rather have nothing than something I didn't want. I hate the idea of someone spending their money on crap for me. I would rather they bought themselves something they wanted with the cash.

meknowalot-51

You seem to be focused on the amounts rather than the thought of giving.Your invited to a wedding because they want YOU there,it doesn't or shouldn't matter about the gift.When we got married after living together for eight years people asked us what do you want,our reply was argos vouchers so we could choose the items ourselves.That all worked out brilliantly and some did give cash which went towards the honeymoon.We had varying amounts from different people and sent them all the same thankyou card when we got back.What your intending to do is spend very similar amounts on the gift when you get invited.why?Spend what your comfortable with,what you can afford,not what they spent 10 or 20 years ago.All sounds a bit strange.

ska_lover

zarabelle wrote: »

I really hate waste and, this might sound ungrateful, I would rather have nothing than something I didn't want. I hate the idea of someone spending their money on crap for me. I would rather they bought themselves something they wanted with the cash.

I feel the same, it makes us feel so guilty

Red-Squirrel_2

andydownes123 wrote: »

Exactly. Why wouldn't anyone want to give cash? It's easy, don't even have to think hard and it's exactly what they want - win win!

Because when you don't have a lot of money, you can often give something of greater value by collecting vouchers, shopping around etc. than you can by just giving cash.

That's just one reason, there are others!

Red-Squirrel_2

zarabelle wrote: »

My MIL still insists on buying stuff even when we tell her we don't need anything. She also won't buy something I need if it's for the house, telling me that it isn't really a present for me?

She sounds really nice actually, there are definitely much worse MILs!

zarabelle

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

She sounds really nice actually, there are definitely much worse MILs!

My MIL is great and we get on really well. I don't understand your point?