Money Moral Dilemma: Should we do 'tit for tat' with wedding gifts?

MalF

Absolutely! Give exactly the same amount, but (and here's where they get you) make sure you adjust it for inflation.

Also, your friends are about to embark on an exciting and possibly expensive new era in their lives, so whatever you do, make sure you get back every penny you've ever spent on them before it's potentially too late. I assume you have a spreadsheet.

Mojisola

iclayt wrote: »

Obviously, we still got several sets of champagne flutes and three crystal decanters, what on earth for I'm not sure, along with all manner of things we didn't need or want really.

When I got married my best friend of over 20 years only got me a card.

I still felt the need to find her a small gift that I thought might look nice in their new home.

Hope your 'nice gift' wasn't in her category of 'didn't need or want' presents.

need_an_answer

I never much like an MSE derived question, they never quite come across as they are intended,and even to a point sometimes seem as ill thought out as a trolled question.

but hey ho heres my answer.....

these are your friends,not random people you give what you want its not a tit for tat thing if it has become that then they need to seriously rethink their friends!!!!

Friendships are built up over many years and with many layers and levels if you are still at the stage of trying to impress or give to receive then your friendship hasn't developed that much really.

its a good idea to have a note of gifts you received so you could send your thank yous out,we did something similar but using a notebook and paper back in the day, but there comes a time when the spreadsheet has had its day and done what it was intended to do, it's time to ditch it and move on.

what on earth are you going to do when you or your friends eventually have children,that opens up a whole new can of worms over how much to spend on presents when they have several children and perhaps you don't all have equal quantities...............

JayD

OMG! Are you really that petty?

Why can't you just be happy that people gave you something they hoped you would like and what they could for your wedding - and do the same back?

Find the most appropriate gift that you can afford and be happy with giving it!

I know times are hard but you say you are in a reasonable financial state - and these people are supposed to be your FRIENDS!

kundan

I would strongly recommend giving based on your abilities. You may not know what their circumstances were, and even if they were well off and chose to be miserly, you do not need to be.

rai78

I think it depends on how close you are to them. There may be close friends on your list who didn't spend very much but at the time it was a huge amount for them. As someone who's been in finacial difficulty I've spent more then I could afford on a wedding gift for a close friend even though it wasn't all that much. If it's someone you're not all that close to then don't worry about it too much.

ButterflyLC

Absolutely not. It is very easy to do, but no. You don't give to receive, you give a gift as a gesture and what you can afford. I have been in a similar situation and I have gifted through gritted teeth but giving a gift was the right thing to do, otherwise it's just petty.

gaving7095

Keeping a spreadsheet seems petty to me.
Why ask other people "what should I give?".
Give what you want to - it's a gift after all. If the recipients are mental enough to fuss over how much was spent vs how much they spent on you or how much they think you can afford then, really, that's entirely their issue.
I think somebody with that mindset will always be able to pick fault and possibly needs to get a better grip on reality, as going through life with that kind of attitude will mostly result in misery (for themselves and others).

gaving7095

Sorry - I've reconsidered, my previous post was wrong. The correct answer is "Yes. Pay exactly the same on their gift as they did on yours".

I mean you've already made the spreadsheet - would be crazy not to use it, right? Wouldn't want to do anything crazy, after all, would we?

So, paying slightly less is fine - you can enclose the change in the card after all.
Ah yes - the card. Better work out how much they spent on a card & factor that in, too. Gotta be 100 % fair & square, after all, right?
But don't stop there!
Their gifts were given before, and (as a rule) money devalues over time, so better factor in inflation, yes? I mean you already have the sheet so should be simple enough to throw in a few relevant financial equations to work that out. To the nearest penny - or part thereof.
Minor differences can be corrected for in future Christmas or birthday gifts - better account for all those, too, surely?
But why stop there!
Better factor in every cup of coffee, glass of wine or - hell - drop of water you've ever given or been given. I mean you do already have the sheet after all so it shouldn't be too much trouble.
Or if it is, employ somebody - their invoice should be deductable from the "friendship equation".
Maybe the fairest way is to also consider how much will be spent on each wedding guest for the meal, etc, too.
And only fair to assess your friend's "affordability" vs your own - by examining their income. And regular outgoings of course. You can't just ask somebody for that - they might think you were crazy - so probably better to root through their bins for bank statements, wage slips & bills / receipts.
I mean you DO have the sheet, so it would be crazy to not make full use of it, surely.

System

Mojisola wrote: »

Hope your 'nice gift' wasn't in her category of 'didn't need or want' presents.

If it's anything like my BIL, it's a gift no one wants, that's out of date or re-gifted from another person (sometimes yourself).

This year, bottle of Bacardi (we don't drink Bacardi) we think was won on a raffle and foodie set (think Boots style) that were 15 months out of date.