Mooloo’s Managing it in 2018

dreaming

Mooloo wrote: »

Unfortunately I don't have concrete plans for 2019
I have never been so undecided about things as I am at the moment.

I can't decide what I want to do with my life at all. Obviously I don't want to give up on my dreams, but I am not going to manage to do what I planned any time soon.

I will diary bash, and see what if anything I can come up with. At least to start my year ahead with a little focus.

Hi Mooloo - hope you are relaxing (a bit) on your holiday. I was thinking about what you said about having no concrete plans and actually think this might not be such a bad thing. It might seem counter-intuitive but I was always a planner (still am to a certain extent) but when all the stuff with eldest happened I tied myself in knots trying to formulate plans but realised (with the help of a counsellor) that there was so much about the situation that was out of my control. It was this feeling of not being in control that was making me feel guilty/responsible for just about everything and driving me to do more and more to try to get back the control. It didn't work of course - not only could I control all the elements and people in the situation but I ended up burning yself out. I realised (again through counselling) that actually I had never really been happy because I did responsible for everyone elses's happiness that mine got lost. I am learning to let go a bit now and do feel much more content. It's not easy - I am actually sorting my budget spreadsheet out for 2019 at the moment but trying to be less rigid about about it all, and more open to new things. I'm hoping that this time next year, instead of being upset about what I didn't achieve I will look back on the year with pleasure.
I guess what I am trying to say is - dont lose the dream Mooloo, but try not to set yourself up for disappointment by being too dead-set on how or when it has to happen. But keep saying no to your kids when they ask for cash, even if you do have the funds. In fact, if you do have the funds, instead of giving it to them why not put it into your dream fund?
Happy New Year Mooloo and family.

pollyanna_26

dreaming wrote: »

Hi Mooloo - hope you are relaxing (a bit) on your holiday. I was thinking about what you said about having no concrete plans and actually think this might not be such a bad thing. It might seem counter-intuitive but I was always a planner (still am to a certain extent) but when all the stuff with eldest happened I tied myself in knots trying to formulate plans but realised (with the help of a counsellor) that there was so much about the situation that was out of my control. It was this feeling of not being in control that was making me feel guilty/responsible for just about everything and driving me to do more and more to try to get back the control. It didn't work of course - not only could I control all the elements and people in the situation but I ended up burning yself out. I realised (again through counselling) that actually I had never really been happy because I did responsible for everyone elses's happiness that mine got lost. I am learning to let go a bit now and do feel much more content. It's not easy - I am actually sorting my budget spreadsheet out for 2019 at the moment but trying to be less rigid about about it all, and more open to new things. I'm hoping that this time next year, instead of being upset about what I didn't achieve I will look back on the year with pleasure.
I guess what I am trying to say is - dont lose the dream Mooloo, but try not to set yourself up for disappointment by being too dead-set on how or when it has to happen. But keep saying no to your kids when they ask for cash, even if you do have the funds. In fact, if you do have the funds, instead of giving it to them why not put it into your dream fund?
Happy New Year Mooloo and family.

I agree with dreaming . A lot of what she speaks of resonates with me . When I was exhausted and financially pulling my son and his family out of the latest fiasco I believed Iwas doing the only thing possible . When I got my lightbulb moment he had to get a grip and eventually took control of finances as there was nobody to bail him out .



We think we can save them but they need to get the insight that only they can change their situation .


I wasn't being critical as I'm aware you've tried to get them to budget and pay their bills as a priority . There is only so much you can do before you have to accept that tough love is the only way to go .


Twin2 needs support but in a way that will help her to cope without financial bailouts .


I would advise not mentioning savings or emergency funds to any of them . You're trying to build them for a reason . The bottom line is you cannot afford to bail any of them out . You're responsible for Dgd and I imagine the guardianship allowance doesn't cover all her needs . Her struggles with school which I know you're trying to get to the bottom of are a priority . You mentioned when she swam with the dolphins her ambitions for the future . She may not achieve them but she needs her chance to do all she can .


Feeling sick on school mornings is a red flag . I know she's had ear infections but my youngest had to be physically bundled into the car only to be on the doorstep when I arrived home . I had to take her out of school at 13 and she was home educated . Dgd has lived with all the ups and downs of the past year and it will have unsettled her .
In your shoes I would not be putting too much on my shoulders for the coming year . Focus on whether you will sell the business and your plans for how to earn a living . Tell the family honestly you have no funds to bail them out .Keep doing things with Dgd and your Mum and try to protect your physical and mental health .
Keep your dreams but also focus on the present as well as the future . Also make it plain you can offer advice but apart from normal support as we all do nothing more . No cash or extreme house cleaning and no midnight texts etc.


Good luck and very best wishes for the New Year ahead .


pollyx

just_trying

Moo, yes you feel guilty saying no, a word I'm having to learn more with one off mine especially. I'm sure she'll be fine, though 100% understand feeling bad. It feels terrible.

I think you should keep your dream alive and don't give up, you've got some savings now. Don't give up on your dream, it might be slightly different but you'll get there. You're determined enough Xx.

Glad your having a break, enjoy it.

Savvy_sewing

Mum complained about the noise, so we were moved yesterday. Right next to the lift! Even noisier if you ask me.
But I am not going to be moving again it's too much of an effort to pack everything up again and again.
I am forced to relax really as Mum doesn't like the food, were snacking in the room with the tv on. Yesterday we went out around 12.00 after we had been moved, and sat by a pavement cafe, had a small beer, chatted and soaked up some sun. Did a stroll up to a church and back again, Mum had to sit down again so we had a drink and shared a plate of chips, before going back to the car. We got back to our room at 4pm
We have been in the room ever since. I turned out the lights at 10pm Mum was sick about 11pm!
So not the best night. But she did settle eventually. I have had weird dreams, as I usually do.
I don't know what today will bring. Trying to think about what we can do, as it's all too steep for Mum.
My bad as I thought she could do more than she is doing. I suppose that it's the unknown here.
She just won't try things. I am going rather stir crazy and we have until Thursday yet.
I am going to try and escape to the swimming pool today at some stage.

Re my dreams, I am not so sure. Being realistic about the things that I want to do, I don't think that currently I will be able to move forward with them as I think what I wanted to do is going to have to be closer to the Airports, and the cost of property will/is much dearer. The plan to have a workshop to run courses is going to take me some time to find.
To be able to get a mortgage here, I need three years accounts that show a living wage profit, and of course that's the issue I have with the shop, itconly pays me a little bit, as all the profits are tied up in stock.
So I may have to wait for the closing of the shop, and see how much better off I will be working from home. Alternatively I may have to consider trying to get that proper job that the boy friend was banging on about 5 years ago. But the thought of going from being my own boss to working for someone else is rather daunting. I like to choose my life's path etc and I enjoy the freedom of being able to choose my holidays and working hours.

Bailing out my Son this year has dropped me into credit card debt that will go against any financial applications, and puts my dreams at risk as because he is not helping me with the repayment plan originally promised, it is stretching my budget too the limit.
I may have to use the savings/pension pot to pay off the debts and that still would leave me with some debt.
Selling the business was supposed to be an idea to raise some funds, but if I sell it then I would not be able to sew in the town as anyone buying would probably make that a condition.
I am also fed up of doing alterations and want to be more creative again, but I know that that is highly unlikely to pay enough money to improve our lives.

Trying to do 3 different aspects to the business, plus be the reception, the advertising, the accounts etc has meant that I am pulling myself in too many directions.

Trying to concentrate on what's to be done is tiring in it self.
This year has been a yo-yo of a year and certainly has not turned out to have been the year that I managed it.
More a year of one step forward, three steps backwards. By the end of the year I think I am about 10 paces behind my start to the year.

I don't know what 2019 will be, but I don't see it being a good year. Not because I am feeling pessimistic, but because I have to start from the bottom of the ladder once again.
The winding up of the shop is going to take a lot of work and planning, and making sure I can find a way forward to still earn is going to take some planning.
Dgd will be starting senior school this Autumn, and the adjustment is going to be huge for her. She is already in to her monthly cycles and struggling with the issues. As mentioned, she needs a lot of support, but again we will see what she is going to be like when she comes home from spending two weeks with her mother and new baby.
DS is going to be an ongoing worry, and I cannot just turn the worry off. I can try to support with the menu plan, the budget plan but I doubt that it will help as unless the gf and DS actually work together on the money front there is always going to be issues and he still hasn't started the hgv course.
Biggest is relying on my ability to babysit more as she returns to her dance teaching and her husband continues to work abroad for much of the time.
Twin2 is getting more support but still not enough for my mind. The fact that she is in a shared house and they are constantly running out of gas, food etc is a huge problem. I have to believe that her support workers will be good at their jobs!
Twin1 has the support of the partners family, but is desperate for their own home, however I think the likelihood of them moving will be a little longer yet. Time will tell.
Mums eyesight is getting worse, and her tongue is getting more inappropriate every day! I cringe now in public. This is only going to get worse as she gets older. Her independence is getting less and less and her reliance on me as the nearest is going to increase.

No I don't see miracles happening in 2019
I see several years of hard work ahead of me.

Brighton_belle

Hi Mooloo, hope you are able to find some enjoyable activities for the next few days.
I think your assessment of the year to come is not unrealistic. Your mum's needs are going to increase and it sounds like in this last year she has deteriorated quite a lot, all in sharp focus being away with her. I have had two parents have difficult final years and know how time and energy consuming it is (even when you are really close and all love each other)
I'm a majorly frustrated re biggest choosing to have a 3rd child on the assumption you will fill in the child care gaps...

Re selling the business, yes I imagine they will put you not running a business from home a condition. So does that not make selling the business impossible, because how else would you earn a living? Unless you sell it for less with the condition you can sew at home?
The thing about dreams for the future, they can be motivating , but they can also just be an unrealistic distraction from an unhappy 'now' and changing that. What would make you happy in 2019? What hobbies, plans and activities and friendships?
Given the boundaries of your mum and dgd's needs (and the fact non of your children are going to change one iota) what would be your happiest life here and now for you?

By the time dgd is through the reminder of her childhood and education you will me near mid 60's I think? Save like mad now and you may be able to retire abroad to a smaller, nicely done up place, near lots of lovely facilities (you don't want to be miles from anywhere in your 70's)and once settled, run sewing things from home for locals if you want to, but not because you absolutely need to.

You handle a lot of really difficult stuff Mooloo, never forget to give yourself credit for that. It is hard to know the life you wanted is seemingly out of your reach. Many of us here are in a similar place for a variety of reasons. It is definitely about creating a good life with what is.
What small every day moments gives you joy?

candygirl

MOOLOO I'm so sorry that your dream house, n even the holiday haven't met your expectations
I really think, you need to make the most of the rest of the week though, n I'm sure your Mum will be fine resting, while you go n have some me time
As for the plans for 2019, try n put them to the back of your mind until you get home, though I know how hard it is to stop worrying .
I think you need to set really really strong boundaries for next year hun, or nothing will ever change xxx

KxMx

Mooloo, Biggest may be relying on you to start babysitting but that doesn't mean you have to or even should.

Her child her responsibility.

I've had many friends adapt successfully when expected grandparent childcare didn't work out, reasons range from a change of mind to death to failed health.

If it was me I'd lend an ear to everyone for listening and advice, and restrict the practical support to dgd and Mum who I know are very important to you (not that the others aren't, but they seem to have more means to help themselves, even if they choose not to do so).

You have already started turning down money requests, well done!

Within Mum & dgd look at actions which take away from you doing everything. I know you have reasons for not getting Mum a cleaner, but that really would help you if you could both find the right person.

I hope you have a lovely holiday

Savvy_sewing

I cannot get Mum a cleaner if she doesn't want one in her house. Cleaning her house is not an issue. It takes a few minutes to vacuum her house and change the beds. Mum potters and does the housework daily. She cooks for herself etc and I just do the bits she misses.

I like to try and help with the grandchildren. But it has to fit in with my life. Although at the moment I am not sure what exactly I am going to do eventually.
Social are expecting me to support DS but I am not sure that I can when his GF is on the scene making it worse.
My financial situation is precarious for the start of the year, as the loan I guaranteed for the HGV course starts to come out of my bank, and that is going to mess me up along with meeting the credit cards payment.
I have decided that my dreams are not going to be possible, as I have been stupid enough to believe that DS was going to turn his life around, do the HGV course, and find a proper job. That they would have learned to budget etc.
The reality is that they will never pay me back, and I will have to use my savings to pay it off.
I will be back to basics tomorrow. Well on my return home.

I have started to say NO, but obviously the repercussions of the fact that I had helped during last year have left me in this situation.
I can't access the savings in one go, but when I can I have realised that I cannot possibly buy my dreams as I have to clear the credit cards first.
When I get home I will be working on the 2019 budget and how to do down the cards.
Portugal will have to wait for a few more years.
The business needs to be adapted to make sure that I don't add to my debts and that I can make sure that I turn my stock into money and that I can close it at the end of the lease and cut my expenses.
I am hoping that I will change my business from the high street to either home, or a small unit on the edge of time.

I will have to think all about my strategy etc when I get home.
2019 is going to be more of a year of adapting and change.
But I know that it's all beginning with saying No. Being frugal all over again and unfortunately using my money to clear the debts that I accepted from the family.

To be honest I am trying not to feel bitter and it, because it was my choice to help, but because I was stupid enough to believe that they would pay me back.
I suppose that I have been in denial and was hoping that they would step up and grow up.

My year end review is a little difficult to do out here, but I have had plenty of time to sit here and chat about it with Mum.
She has said she would try to help me, but I have told her that I would rather try to do it myself.

Time for breakfast I better get dressed!!

ognum

Mooloo, just some thoughts!

Dreams, you do not have to be in debt to have dreams, thoughts on our futures are what we all have, you call them dreams others call them hopes but they support us through the mundane parts of our life and should not be dumped, they can be modified, adapted and changed but we all have to have dreams.

Like most of us you are committed to where you are through your relationships. You will stay while Mum is alive, while DGD needs you and needs stable schooling and a stable life after the turmoil she has had. You will stay to support,if not financially your family. Imagine having none of them, life would not be better, very different but not better.

I am aware that your holidays have all been disappointments lately, maybe you build things up too much and living more on an even keel thinking ‘we will see what happens’ rather than thinking of perfection would work better.
Believe me Mum who is old and tired and outspoken is better than no mum and I know you know that.

You know my opinion is you should sew for yourself at home but also work part time for a basic income. I know you feel it is a backward step but in order to get your finances under control it may be the best way. You are looking for the perfect, self employed healthy buisness but it’s not working and needs reviewing, DGD also needs an example of how people work to earn.

So as I said just some thoughts.

I should also say a Happy New Year to you and your family

beanielou

Mabe not appropriate after your last post but I am popping in to say I am Wishing you a happy & healthy 2019 filled with good fortune & adventure. Never let go of your dreams.